Culture

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was unavailable to comment. However, Spokesperson Mark Regev commented, “We know that Bibi can piss people off. Fortunately, he also knows...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why do you think government officials are all of a sudden wearing neon-colored pastel t-shirts and linen suits? Royal decree, dude.”...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did not tell Yasser Arafat that kaiffyas “look totally rad” Brian Williams was not on the Grassy Knoll on November 22,...

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait’s lower court has sentenced a stray Persian cat to 11 years in jail for allegedly insulting the ruler of the oil-rich Gulf state on Twitter. Bernt Bystrom, Director of the International Feral Cat Initiative, said that the furry defendant, who has apparently fled the country, was not present at the ruling. “Shirazi has hightailed it out of that gilded cage.” Bystrom stated from Stockholm after the verdict was handed down. Our feline friends of the Persian persuasion have been living...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced Tuesday. “As we attempt to restart negotiations between Israel and Syria on the Golan Heights and look to arm some...

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do you think that the New York Times would be so terrible on Israel if a few bad ass Jew boys...

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Super Bowl commercials for 2015 have been rolling out ahead of the big game on Sunday and, surprisingly, an ad by the Islamic Republic of Iran promoting the lifting of all sanctions against the country is generating some serious buzz. Produced by Iran’s Ministry of Barely Existent Tourism, the spot compares the increasingly moderate policies of the government in Tehran with a sex change operation. Farouk Ford Kashani, who directed the 30-second broadcast, describes it as “featuring a drop dead...

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities leading to school ‘exchange programs’ in order to foster understanding. Mustafa Gud’tym, mayor of Raqqa stated: “We are proud to...

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David Cameron, a tight ass and prime target for satire. Several commentators thought this issue arises in a troubling time for...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia, Miss Pakistan and Miss Northern Alliance – when out of nowhere Miss Taliban comes from behind and yells ‘photobomb!'” Miss...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A high ranking courtier told The Israeli Daily‎, “we’d kind of been thinking King Abdullah wouldn’t last much longer and we...

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. “Now I learn that the British have created an even purer society in the heart of the...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to talk about it, get out of my room! Girls are smelly and weird. Meir Porush and me are just going...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched Jewish homeland. Aging amateur lounge lizard Tomer Kaplan remarked, “Bradford? That’s the place where they let the fat chicks into...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with the ghosts of his sons, Aryeh age 6 and Gabriel age 3 and their friend eight year-old Miriam all killed...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support of the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shootings,” Hamas Senior Advisor Karim bin Abu Radisson declared Monday. RELATED: After Removing Hamas...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently holding several Al Jazeera reporters prisoner. “Freedom of the press is a sacred and fundamental right that should only be...