Culture

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia, Miss Pakistan and Miss Northern Alliance – when out of nowhere Miss Taliban comes from behind and yells ‘photobomb!'” Miss...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A high ranking courtier told The Israeli Daily‎, “we’d kind of been thinking King Abdullah wouldn’t last much longer and we...

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. “Now I learn that the British have created an even purer society in the heart of the...

Russia to change Christmas to May

Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to talk about it, get out of my room! Girls are smelly and weird. Meir Porush and me are just going...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched Jewish homeland. Aging amateur lounge lizard Tomer Kaplan remarked, “Bradford? That’s the place where they let the fat chicks into...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with the ghosts of his sons, Aryeh age 6 and Gabriel age 3 and their friend eight year-old Miriam all killed...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support of the victims of the Charlie Hebdo shootings,” Hamas Senior Advisor Karim bin Abu Radisson declared Monday. RELATED: After Removing Hamas...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently holding several Al Jazeera reporters prisoner. “Freedom of the press is a sacred and fundamental right that should only be...

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina (image above). Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows for sure that Hitler is not hiding in Argentina, and that, as the prevailing theory suggests, he took his...

Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief that extremism causes. As hundreds gathered in Paris to mourn, and millions around the world watched in horror, it is...

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Fed up with being surrounded by Hipsters, Williamsburg native Jacob Rothstein finally pulled the trigger and booked a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Mr Rothstein said. “Everywhere I look, I see people in flannel and skinny jeans. Brooklyn is filled with trendy café after trendy café, all populated mid-week with millennia’s smoking cigarettes and drinking lattes or craft beer. I mean, it’s 2pm on a fuckin’ Wednesday, don’t you have to work? I just...

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has accused the Israeli government of bribing its women to pursue careers outside of motherhood so as to leave the country’s male population hungry, frustrated and fixing for a fight. Erdogan mocked Israel’s image as a liberated, democratic society, noting that “They call it ‘equality.’ Please. Historically speaking, well fed, pampered, sexually satisfied men have never gone to war against each other. By encouraging women to ‘get a career’, the Israeli government is actively plotting...

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said a man on the way to the market in Jerusalem. Many supporters are thinking of honoring her time as a...

Italian New Official Language of the Middle East

Italian New Official Language of the Middle East

Taking a break from setting up secret military camps in Middle America, the United Nations has confirmed that beginning in 2015 Italian will be the formal language for all Middle Eastern nations. Explaining the dictate, Jonathan Bourg, Head of World Domination, said, “We’ve been thinking a lot about why things over there just won’t calm the fuck down. Some say it’s the heat, but I was at an Illuminati meeting in Fort Lauderdale just last week. It was 80 in...

Shimon Peres Slated as Guest Contestant in New Season of America’s Next Top Model

Shimon Peres Slated as Guest Contestant in New Season of America’s Next Top Model

The CW Television Network today announced that America’s Next Top Model’s upcoming 22nd season will include former Israeli President Shimon Peres among the contestants. Network CEO Mark Pedowitz was just giddy. “We saw Peres at a Hollywood United Jewish Appeal thing. Thought sure, put him on next season as a judge with Tyra Banks. Add a little class. He didn’t go to Harvard either, but his honorary degree is you know, a real degree. Anyway, Peres says, ‘why a judge and...

ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States

ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States

Paraphrasing pop star Mariah Carey’s yuletide classic, the Islamist militant group ISIS sent this threatening message to America and its allies over the Holidays: “#Season’sGreetingfromISIStoUS #CommanderInThief All we want for Christmas…is you. Hope your holiday is full of surprises. pic.twitter.com/LMAO420q69” The tweet features several disturbing images of ISIS fighters preparing for their next engagement by inflating balloons, swearing at each other in German and hugging strange cuddly beanbags from Japan. ISIS chief Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi recently remarked about his henchmen’s unorthodox...

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

Free WiFi across Israel gives everyone the chance to troll and flame to their heart’s content

In a move almost certain to improve the level of public discourse on critical issues of the day, the Israeli government is expanding its already-free Wi-Fi access to the entire country. Soon, Internet addicts won’t have to wait till they get home or to the nearest coffee shop before indulging in trolling or online slanging matches. One poorly informed resident of Tel Aviv was thrilled. “Right at the moment when a half baked thought enters my head, I sometimes have to...