Culture

ISIS to Summer in Italy
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ISIS to Summer in Italy

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi has extended his welcome and given travel advice to ISIS for their planned summer holiday to capture Rome. Renzi told The Mideast Beast that the jihadists will be a much needed boost to the ailing economy, which has seen tourism hit particularly hard. “We’ve seen a massive influx of visitors and martyrs to Syria, Iraq and...

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’
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Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress
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Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health
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ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards
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Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”....

Hamas Signs for Disney World
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Hamas Signs for Disney World

Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day
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Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max
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New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams
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The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department
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After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced...

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace
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Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities...

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack
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Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban
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Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia,...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change
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Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England
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Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl
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Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to...