Brave raiders fail in UK supermarket objective

In an incredible act of bravery approximately 100 British citizens protesting the recent war in Gaza raided a supermarket, and they did what no one thought was humanly possible: they removed items from shelves. One aging onlooker noted, “I mean, you hear stories about people doing brave and heroic things, you know like in war, but you rarely get to witness it. The way that some of the protestors grabbed things like fruit and pepper without dropping them…that’s bravery-medal material. They should be knighted.”

The raid occurred in some dreary city outside of London. The objective: to remove all Israeli-made products. It was a bold aim, and no one was sure if the raid would succeed; or worse, if any of the raiders would make it out of the infamous Aisle 7 alive. Not only is Aisle 7 dangerous due to a leak that causes small drops of water to form on the floor, but also it’s where the store’s center of gravity lays – the hub of all Israel-made products on which the store depends. “We knew that if we could just get to Aisle 7, the whole enterprise would fall,” said one of the lead raiders. “Unfortunately, the water droplets caught us off guard. From there, it was a domino effect. First Mahmoud, ‘The Man from Pakistan’ went down. His buddy William went next, and then the rest of his unit fell one by one. Fucking Aisle 7! At least our bravery was not in vain. We were able to remove most of the lettuce, and the majority of tomatoes.”

The store’s Employee of the Month, however, was less lucky than the raiders that slipped ass-first onto the floor. According to one local, “Jenny tried to keep things under control by pointing out only the Israeli-made products. She didn’t want to see the store destroyed in the raid, so she tried to keep the raiders focused on the Jew stuff. She kept calm during the entire affair.” But, as is common in such situations, things got out of control and the raiders, somehow mistaking Jenny for an Israeli-made product, attacked her. According to witnesses, her final words were, “Clean up on Aisle 9!”

One British government official issued a formal statement to the raiders. “You do realise that many Palestinians make their living from the very agricultural products you are trying to ban? Fucktards.”