Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to his former job.

Although he spent much of his time in retirement painting landscapes, Ba’al has admitted in an exclusive interview with the Israeli Daily that he still regularly keeps up with the news from his former kingdom. “When the Crusades happened, I was ready to jump right back into it, but my daughter had just given birth and I had to be in New York.”

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He continued, “The truth is, I always wanted to get back into being people’s omnipotent ruler. It’s very gratifying, and its just a hole golf can’t fill, you know? And now seeing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict… It’s never gonna end if I let Yahweh and Allah have their way. Completely and utterly incompetent.”

Analysts expect that Ba’al’s transition into power will be rocky, as most of the population supports at least one of the Abrahamic deities. However, Ba’al hopes to coerce other members of the Canaanite pantheon to return to power as well, thereby assuring complete dominance and a quick transition of power.

At press time, Ba’al had already caused two major regional droughts and demanded dozens of virgin female sacrifices in response to allegations that a certain shepherd had been caught fornicating with a goat.