Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Image from in "Starbucks’ Red Cup Controversy, Explained" at

Jewish and Muslim authorities have combined forces to criticize what they see as a premature planning of the ‘War on Christmas’. In a series of press releases representatives of both faiths lashed out at the perpetual cycle of planning earlier every year.

“As soon as September rolls around we are already receiving blueprints for how we are going to undermine the Christian holiday” one memo states. “It’s pretty fucking annoying. I don’t even want to hear about Christmas until late November,” a senior imam commented.

The annual attempt to undermine Christian values, tradition, and all things they hold dear is a complicated task. Critics have argued that earlier planning is essential to keep up with the shopping season and plotting flight path scenarios for Santa Claus. “It’s not just about removing any mention of Jesus Christ or forcing everyone to say “Happy Holidays”, I wish it were that simple,” an anonymous Mossad agent retorted.

The most successful sabotage occurred in 2015 when Starbucks removed ‘Merry Christmas’ from their coffee cups and banned employees from saying the holiday greeting. “We planned for that way ahead of time and the aftermath created a cultural panic in the US. Whenever Christian Americans start putting up their lights that’s the time to plan how we are going to take them down” the agent concluded.