Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,”...
Saying he would be ready if asked by an interviewer about the ISIS-held Iraqi city, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has reportedly memorized the entire Wikipedia page for ‘Mosul,’ which has been in the news recently as Iraqi forces try to reclaim the city. “When Mike Barnicle tries to stump me with a ‘gotcha’ question like, ‘What do you think...
Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...
Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...
With Hillary Clinton as the last line of defense for democrats in the upcoming election, supporters of Bernie Sanders are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent...
Saying he hoped it was simply an oversite and not an intentional snub, ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reported that he was “deeply hurt” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has yet to offer him any praise. “The Donald has called Vladimir Putin a strong leader, said that jackass Saddam was good at killing terrorists, and praised Gaddafi and Kim Jong...
The civil war in Syria has entered a bloodier and far creepier phase, as clowns have reportedly seized parts of the besieged city of Aleppo. Reports of clowns, some armed with sharpened teeth, roaming the streets of Syria’s cities began circulating last week, and by Tuesday they had seized several villages outside Aleppo as well as parts of the city...
RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During...
Only one year following the release of a report linking processed meat to cancer, the World Health Organization has unveiled a disturbing new study that examined the dietary habits of individuals from countries around the world and determined that people who consume a high amount of falafel and other chickpea-based food items are at significantly higher risk of being involved in an...
Calling the television star a leader in the fields of both chemistry and ethics, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Monday that Bill Cosby will be charged with leading Syria’s chemical weapons program. “Ever since that dick [U.S. President Barack] Obama made me give [Russian President Vladimir] Putin my chemical weapons, I’ve been looking for someone who really knows how to...
Weighing in on the nuclear deal between the United States and Iran, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre demanded that the U.S. provide nuclear weapons to all of Iran’s enemies and regional competitors including Saudi Arabia, ISIS and a host of opposition groups in Syria and Iraq. “Only a good Ayatollah with a nuke can stop a bad Ayatollah with a nuke,” LaPierre...
Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our...
Saying he longed for a simpler time – when the economy was booming, Third Eye Blind was on the radio, and jihadist terrorist groups were hidden in the caves of the Hindu Kush – Manhattan bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Rahami has pledged allegiance to classic 1990s terror group al Qaeda. “I’m just not into groups like ISIS sending out tweets...
In a move aimed at uniting a country bitterly divided over who to be afraid of, President Obama announced today that he would replace the nation’s police officers with Muslim refugees so that all Americans could once again agree on who they should hate. “We can’t continue on as a country in which half the population is afraid of being...
A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the...
Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was...
Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much,...
Saying he was tired of false reports of his death, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has agreed to appear on “The Dr. Oz Show” to present his medical records. After giving the ISIS Caliph a thorough physical, Dr. Mehmet Oz, the host of the popular TV show, said the caliph is a bit overweight but overall healthy and should be...
Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking...
Saying they were being denied their “fundamental human right” to assault Jewish individuals at will, BDS supporters at UCLA have called for a “safe space” for anti-Semites on campus. “Being able to beat up a defenseless Jew is our right, and we demand that UCLA provide us with a safe space to do so,” the president of UCLA’s Students for...
