Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb
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Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with...

Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals
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Biden Embarrassed to Learn Navy SEALs Not Actually Aquatic Mammals

After the identity of the Navy SEAL who claims to have killed Osama bin Laden was revealed as Montana resident Robert O’Neill, Vice President Joe Biden was devastated to discover that the elite military unit was comprised almost entirely of humans and that the U.S. military did not employ any actual seals in combat. “During a classified intelligence briefing, Biden said...

Following Major Diplomatic Successes Kerry Sets Six-Month Timetable for Negotiations on Ending Sunni-Shia Conflict
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Following Major Diplomatic Successes Kerry Sets Six-Month Timetable for Negotiations on Ending Sunni-Shia Conflict

Right on the heels of, what can only be described as ‘truly successful efforts’, to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and force Iran to abandon its nuclear program, Secretary of State John Kerry announced he has set a six-month timetable for bringing an end to the 1,300-year Sunni-Shia divide. “We hope to get both sides to the negotiating table immediately for six...

Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces
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Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces

Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That...

Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize
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Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize

After more than 20 years of being ridiculed as the worst Nobel Peace Prize recipient in memory, former Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat admitted he was really hoping Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei would win the award this year and take over that distinction. “Do you know how tiring it gets being the stereotype of a bad Nobel Peace Prize...

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal
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UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize...

With Marriage Issue Settled, Gays Turn Attention to Recruiting Children
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With Marriage Issue Settled, Gays Turn Attention to Recruiting Children

With last Friday’s Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage nationwide and ending what gay Americans called “Phase 1,” gay leaders said they would now refocus all their efforts on recruiting American children to their cause. “This has always been a multi-stage operation,” said Lance Bass, the official leader of all gay Americans. “First, we achieve marriage equality. Next, we recruit...

Flotilla Activists a Bit Relieved they Don’t Have to Go to Gaza

Flotilla Activists a Bit Relieved they Don’t Have to Go to Gaza

After their Gaza-bound flotilla was intercepted by the Israeli Navy and redirected to the Port of Ashdod in southern Israel, pro-Palestinian activists aboard the Marianne admitted they were secretly relieved that they weren’t successful in defying Israel’s blockade and landing in the Hamas-controlled territory. “To be honest, none of us were really sure what we would have done if we...

Qatar Praises ‘Jurassic World’ Operators for Low Worker Death Count
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Qatar Praises ‘Jurassic World’ Operators for Low Worker Death Count

Calling it a model for safe working conditions that its own management could learn from, Qatari officials have reportedly tried to contact the operators of the theme park from the hit film ‘Jurassic World’ to find out how they were able to operate an entertainment facility with so few worker deaths. “After watching the documentary, we were impressed by how...

In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie
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In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie

Hoping to create goodwill with the Iranian regime and boost the chances of a deal over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama announced Thursday that his administration has executed British novelist Salman Rushdie, potentially eliminating a key sticking point in negotiations. “The Iranians have made their opposition to Mr. Rushdie’s continued existence clear for the past 26 years,” Obama told reporters....

ISIS Backs South Carolina, Will Also Fly Confederate Battle Flag
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ISIS Backs South Carolina, Will Also Fly Confederate Battle Flag

Calling it a proud symbol of a heritage worth honoring, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi staunchly backed South Carolina’s efforts to fly the Confederate battle flag over government buildings and said the Caliphate was considering adopting the flag itself. “The Confederate battle flag stands for racism, slavery, treason, oppression, discrimination. In other words, everything that’s awesome!” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli...

Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran
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Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran

While negotiations between the U.S. and Iran over the latter’s nuclear program near a key deadline, one radical splinter group of former Obama administration officials has taken matters into its own hands, sneaking into Iran to work on improving the country’s nuclear infrastructure. The group, which calls itself “Right to Enrich,” (RTE) broke off from the U.S. government after growing...

Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed
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Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed

Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily....

Palestinian Refugee Problem Solved, As Turkey’s President Builds $615 Million Housing Project in Ankara

Palestinian Refugee Problem Solved, As Turkey’s President Builds $615 Million Housing Project in Ankara

Single-handedly ending 67 years of statelessness for millions of Palestinians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced Monday that a $615 million palace in Ankara will be devoted exclusively to housing Palestinian refugees. Erdogan’s announcement debunked months of news reports claiming that the building, 30 times the size of the White House, would instead be a lavish Presidential Palace with more...

Turkish Election Reminds Middle Eastern Leaders Why They Hate Democracy

Turkish Election Reminds Middle Eastern Leaders Why They Hate Democracy

Leaders from throughout the Arab world and Middle East were reminded again this week why it’s a bad idea to let people vote, as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP party failed to win a majority, much less cross the 99-percent threshold standard in the region, in Sunday’s parliamentary elections. “I’m so glad I’ll never have to deal with this...

‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots
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‘Draw Muhammad’ Rally Leads to Tension Between D-Bags and Idiots

A “Draw Muhammad” rally in Arizona has led to a clash between nitwits and sociopaths, as the conflicting values of freedom of expression and religious tolerance somehow did not come up in interviews with either hardline supporters or opponents of the rally. In Phoenix, Trey “Bubba” Jenkins noted that the Second (in his defense, he probably meant First) Amendment allowed...

Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America
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Following Palestinian Campaign Against Israel, Americans Beg FIFA to Ban America

Citing their country’s history of war, racial strife and anything else they could think of, Americans urged FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, to ban their country from any international tournaments and competitions. The American campaign was apparently inspired by Palestinian attempts to have Israel suspended from the organization due to its human rights policies. Supporters of the ban...

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore
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Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against...