Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
With Western governments weighing their response to the meteoric rise of ISIS, former US President Jimmy Carter insisted the self-proclaimed Caliphate be recognized as a “legitimate political actor” and treated as a partner for negotiations. “Now I might not agree with everything they do, but I think we should acknowledge that they took all that territory fair and square,” commented the...
Admitting it had been a bit shortsighted to immediately behead its population upon acquiring territory, ISIS leaders lamented that they were on the verge of running out of human shields to protect them from an Iraqi and Western push into Mosul. “When we seized Mosul, we were just so excited, we figured beheading one or two people couldn’t hurt,” recalled...
Calling him a “role model for leaders throughout the Middle East,” the Arab League voted unanimously to award Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte an honorary position as a Middle Eastern dictator. “From his commitment to extrajudicial killings and disregard for human rights to his honorable homophobia, Mr. Duterte upholds the values of the Arab world’s leadership as well as any of...
ANKARA — Donald Trump will soon hold a new position in Russian President Vladimir Putin’s administration, as Putin announced that he has re-appointed the U.S. president-elect to replace slain Ambassador to Turkey, Andrey Karlov. “Donald has done [a] very good job as my President of America, but now we need him elsewhere,” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “I know that he...
Calling the former New Mexico governor and Libertarian presidential candidate “one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people in my cabinet,” President-elect Donald Trump announced that he would appoint Gary Johnson as his administration’s next Ambassador to Syria. “Nobody knows more about Syria than Gary Johnson, believe me,” Trump said in a news conference on the appointment. “When I Googled ‘Gary...
Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality...
Saying that they just couldn’t believe that Russia would meddle in another country’s affairs, Syrian residents are shocked and outraged over reports from U.S. intelligence agencies concluding that Russia interfered in the American elections on behalf of President-Elect Donald Trump. “I just cannot imagine that [Russian President Vladimir] Putin would have anything but total respect for a country’s domestic political...
President-elect Donald Trump’s elation over his unexpected election last month disappeared this week, after a golden statue of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu appeared in Tel Aviv. Trump is furious that no similar likeness of him has appeared, and the president-elect has fired his entire transition team over this failure. Trump initially reacted to the statue’s appearance with equanimity, tweeting,...
Claiming that it has finally discovered a way to get the American Left to take the terror group seriously, ISIS announced yesterday that it had sent operatives into the United States in a plot to build an oil pipeline through sacred Native American lands in North Dakota. “Unless the American infidels leave the Middle East, recognize our Caliphate, and accept Islam,...
President-elect Donald Trump has once again shaken up the global order, as the soon-to-be 45th President of the United States spoke by phone to ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “When I called Trump Tower, I had no idea he’d pick up,” al-Baghdadi admitted in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Me and some of my fellow mujahedeen had taken a break from...
In a move it insists is not aimed at antagonizing President Obama, nor the recent “massive spike in violence”, the Israeli government has approved 400 new settlement units in South Chicago. Those settlements will span Obama’s home and the neighborhoods in which the president once worked as a community organizer. Several public housing apartment buildings in Chicago’s Roseland and West...
ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on...
Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my...
Saying he no longer wanted to attend the hit Broadway musical, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly looking to sell two orchestra tickets to ‘Hamilton.’ “After all the stress at work, I had been looking forward to a nice night with my wife at the theater,” Assad wrote on a StubHub posting listing the tickets at face value. “But apparently,...
Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced that his country will begin releasing hundreds of members of the terror group ISIS, saying there is no longer room in the prisons for both them and the influx of journalists being rounded up by security forces. “With increasing numbers of Turks tragically choosing to commit the crime of Journalism, we simply could not...
In what aides say is a reward for the governor’s early support and loyalty towards the president-elect, Donald Trump has named New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as the next U.S. Ambassador to Yemen. “I hope this appointment shows just how much respect I have for the governor,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “There’s no one else I would even consider...
In an election that stunned pundits, Israel has overwhelmingly elected the ISIS Party after questions were raised over Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s use of a private e-mail server. “I don’t know that I like ISIS, but after hearing about Netanyahu’s e-mails, there’s no way I could vote for him,” said Shlomo Cohen, a Tel Aviv resident and ISIS voter. “I...
Calling it “the culmination of everything we’ve worked for all these years,” a teary-eyed Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that ISIS had completed its mission of bringing around the end of Western Civilization. At ISIS headquarters in Raqqa, supporters were celebrating well into Wednesday morning, with a “Mission Accomplished” banner hanging in the background. Ignoring the Muslim ban on alcohol,...
ISIS has announced the launch of Operation ‘Wait and See’ against the United States, as the terrorist group plans to “sit back and just kind of see how things play out” for the next three or four days. “It feels a little bit silly to be plotting attacks that will maybe kill 15 to 20 Americans when the country is...
Saying that it “must be a Zionist conspiracy,” ISIS leaders are reportedly furious that the Chicago Cubs’ first World Series Championship since 1908 has made the terrorist group’s re-establishment of the caliphate after a 90-year wait seem unimpressive in comparison. “Now all we ever hear about is how the Cubs broke their curse, and how their fans have suffered for...
