Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
Saying that they were disgusted but a bit relieved to learn that their stereotypes were in fact spot on, Saudi officials reportedly emerged from meetings with Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner more certain than ever of their negative opinion of Jews. “My whole life I was told that Jews were immoral and obsessed solely with money and power, but I...
Nearly four decades after Americans helped their country drive out Soviet forces, Afghan leaders have pledged to return the favor by freeing the US from Russia’s grasp. “We will never forget that in 1979, when the Russians overthrew our rulers and installed a puppet government, Americans had our backs,” Taliban Emir Hibatullah Akhundzada told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the...
Promising to return it promptly whenever the US needs it back, a number of Middle Eastern countries have asked President Trump if they can borrow the US Constitution “since you guys clearly aren’t using it right now.” “I read the American Constitution, and it actually isn’t bad,” said one Saudi citizen. “It’s all about the rights of the people, and...
Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador...
Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering...
In a move widely condemned as cruel and unusual punishment, Israel has announced that it will begin force-feeding Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike by employing Jewish grandmothers to guilt them into eating. “Security prisoners are interested in turning a hunger strike into a new type of suicide terrorist attack through which they will threaten the State of Israel,” Public Security...
The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we...
Days after electing Saudi Arabia as a member, the UN Commission on the Status of Women has chosen former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to take over as the group’s chair. “Here at the UN, we are always looking for alternative perspectives on human rights,” one commission representative noted. “We think the Saudis have some really unique interpretations on women’s...
In an outcome that baffled pollsters and experts, Donald Trump has emerged victorious in Turkey’s constitutional referendum this weekend. The victory marked another upset for the American billionaire, as the ballot asked voters simply whether they approve of constitutional changes aimed at giving more power to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. But when all the votes were tallied, Trump had...
After days of criticism over his claims that Hitler never used chemical weapons, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been forced to resign and is now replaced by former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Listen, I think Sean’s been doing a wonderful job, but Jared tells me the Jews are very upset at him, so he’s gone,” Trump told The Mideast Beast....
Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on...
Noting that things were so much easier when his BFFs Bashar and Donald got along, Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted that recent tension between two of his closest comrades is beginning to cause him undue stress. “Now whenever I invite Bashar to go shopping or to see a movie, the first thing he says is ‘I’m not going if Donald...
Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says...
Noting that they were shocked to learn how easy politically separating from a repressive entity is, the Palestinian Authority announced last week that it has triggered Article 50 to leave Israeli control. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said the idea originated when he saw a news article on British Prime Minister Theresa May taking a similar action to leave the EU....
Saying that the group “deeply regrets” ignoring a key demographic, the Islamic State announced that it has opened a recruiting center in Tel Aviv following the arrest of a Jewish Israeli-American teenager for making bomb threats against Jewish Community Centers in the United States. “For years, we bought into the false stereotype that Jews are less capable of unhinged or violent...
President Trump’s refusal to shake German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s hand has won him the support of Israel’s Haredi community, as religious conservatives welcomed an unlikely ally in their battle against the mixing of the genders. “For years we’ve been refusing to sit on planes or busses with women who are not our wives because any physical contact between the sexes...
The Islamic State has distanced itself from President Donald Trump’s first budget proposal, calling cuts to domestic programs “a bit harsh.” “Listen, we’re all for seeing Americans suffering, but this budget goes a little overboard,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Even we wouldn’t have thought of cutting Meals on Wheels funding.” ISIS did express support for...
Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by...
Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have...
With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders...
