Roger Pumper

Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.

 

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement
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ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and...

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk
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ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11
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Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New...

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

The Palestinian militant movement Hamas is the latest group to disavow its support for the Women’s March over concerns of anti-Semitism, declining to take part in this weekend’s protests. The decision came after Tamika Mallory refused to condemn remarks by Louis Farrakhan comparing Jews to Satan. “We hate Jews too, but we still think there is such thing as going...

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity
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ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that...

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets
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Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports...

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office

In a dramatic address Tuesday night, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he will shut down his country’s government unless lawmakers approve a concrete wall between his offices and the state attorney general. Standing outside the AG’s office in Jerusalem, Netanyahu claimed the wall was needed to stop a caravan of investigators seeking to harass Israeli citizens with  charges of...

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst

Calling the action “the only effective deterrent against this behavior,” President Trump has ordered the National Guard to demolish the home of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib following her use of profanity and threat to remove him from office. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American elected to Congress in November, told a group of supporters that Democrats would “impeach the motherfucker,” referring to Trump. Her...

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus

Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified...

Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern
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Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern

US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now...

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric

In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying...

Trump Asks ISIS to Pay for Mexican Border Wall

Trump Asks ISIS to Pay for Mexican Border Wall

Growing increasingly desperate after Democrats refused to budget funding for his proposed wall on the Mexican border, US President Donald Trump has asked ISIS to pay for the wall. The request was revealed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who posted a voicemail from Trump on his Facebook page. “Listen, Apu (sic), I really need you to send me about...

Trump Eyes Yair Netanyahu for Chief of Staff

Trump Eyes Yair Netanyahu for Chief of Staff

In yet another administration shake-up, US President Donald Trump has been eyeing Yair Netanyahu – son of Israel’s prime minister – to be his new chief of staff after Yair said on Facebook he’d prefer if “all the Muslims leave” Israel. “Finally, someone who is not afraid to say exactly what I’m thinking,” Trump remarked after being read the 27-year-old...

ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough
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ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough

With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,”...

Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl
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Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl

In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon....

Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables
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Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables

Calling for a government ban on Hanukkah celebrations, Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasted the Maccabees for using oil instead of wind or solar power to light their menorah. Hanukkah celebrates the Maccabees – a group of rebel Jewish warriors in the second century BC – rededicating the Second Temple in Jerusalem and making one day’s worth of ritual olive oil burn...

Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate

Trump Demands Khashoggi’s Death Certificate

Once again questioning his intelligence community’s conclusions on the killing, US President Donald Trump is now demanding to see slain journalist Jamal Khashoggi’s death certificate. “Listen, if this Jamal guy wants to prove he was murdered by the Saudis, then he should just show us his death certificate,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “If he can’t then he isn’t dead,...

Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea

Marc Lamont Hill Calls for Jewish Homeland in the Mediterranean Sea

Defending himself against accusations of anti-Semitism after calling for a Palestine “from the river to the sea,” former CNN analyst Marc Lamont Hill now says he welcomes a Jewish homeland at the bottom of the Mediterranean Sea. “In calling for the elimination of all Jews between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean, I am endorsing a Jewish presence in the...

ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan
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ISIS Disappointed to Find Few Middle Easterners in Caravan

With a caravan of Latin American migrants finally reaching the US border, leaders of the Syria-based terrorist group ISIS are reportedly disappointed to see few potential supporters in the group. “We were so excited when Supreme Leader Trump promised that there were criminals and unknown Middle Easterners making their way into the land of the infidels,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’
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ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting...