Journalism has been in Roger Pumper’s blood since he began his first paper route in Kabul, Afghanistan, at the age of seven. After graduating from Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with a Doctorate in Animal Husbandry, Pumper worked as a fact-checker for Brian Williams and Bill O’Reilly. Pumper was awarded a Pulitzer Prize in 2002 for his investigative reporting on Iraq’s WMD program, though the award was later revoked. Pumper currently resides on a goat farm outside Kirachi, Pakistan.
After seeing his AKP party beaten in local elections in Ankara and Istanbul, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan declared that his country’s electorate is in fact made up entirely of Zionist agents and Nazi remnants. “It is now more important than ever that we stand up to the enemies of Turkey, which it now turns out includes the Turkish people...
With the leader of New Zealand’s biggest mosque blaming the Mossad, Israel’s intelligence agency, for attacks against Muslim worshippers that left 50 dead earlier this month, US Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is reportedly furious at herself for not coming up with it earlier. “I take a lot of pride in making sure that I tap each and every opportunity to advance...
With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all....
With every day bringing new revelations of UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn honoring violent jihadists, terrorists from a range of Islamist groups admitted that they are tired of hanging out with the British opposition leader. “At first it wasn’t so bad. He’d snap a picture, we’d talk about killing Jews, and then he’d be on his way,” one leader of...
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan may have finally gone too far in his feud with Australia, as the president now faces an uprising after calling the late Australian conservationist Steve Irwin a “little bitch.” Erdogan’s comments marked the climax of a series of threats aimed at Australia’s citizens since a terror attack last week by an Australian white supremacist killed...
Calling the US the only country where an elderly man on death’s doorstep can still run for the nation’s highest office, 82-year-old Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika announced that he will look to challenge Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election. His announcement comes after Bouteflika was forced to withdraw from Algeria’s upcoming presidential election, in which he had planned to...
Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the...
In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list...
With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to...
With the launch of Israel’s Beresheet spacecraft, a bid to make it the fourth country to land on the lunar surface, Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters is now urging his fans to boycott the moon. Waters says that people should make all efforts possible to avoid looking at the moon, reading about the moon or even saying the word “moon.”...
With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman...
Freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is once again apologizing for what some have called anti-Semitic remarks, saying that she did not know the term ‘Kikey McJewface’ was considered offensive. “I am always willing to learn from my mistakes, and I now understand that this term has triggered some sensitivities among my Jewish colleagues and constituents,” Omar, who used the slur towards...
A week after cancelling its plan to build its second headquarters in Long Island City, Amazon announced that it will instead build HQ2 in Saudi Arabia, where it will be free from media scrutiny and grassroots political opposition. “We just can’t risk taking the time and expense to work out an elaborate deal with a mayor, governor or Prime Minister...
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told...
Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to...
The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States...
Criticizing what he sees as extremism on both sides of the Syrian Civil War, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has moved to Damascus and plans to launch a moderate militia to compete with both the Assad regime and ISIS. “It really feels like everyone in this conflict is either a genocidal dictator or a radical jihadi. What happened to all the...
In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in...
Calling him a leader in the war against infidels, the Islamic State has promised 72 virgins in for Virginia Governor Ralph Northam if he signs legislation allowing abortion until the moment of birth. “For years we have been enthusiastic about killing Americans, and we are thrilled to find that Emir Northam shares our passion,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said....
After watching US President Donald Trump cave in his demand for a border wall to re-open the US government, the Taliban are desperately trying to recruit House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to lead upcoming peace talks. The Afghani terror group has reportedly offered to make Pelosi the first female Caliph and award her a 50% cut of Afghanistan’s opium revenues if...
