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Assad: I Invented Permanent Social Distancing

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As Minneapolis and dozens of other US cities were burning during riots following the murder of George Floyd by a police officer, The Mideast Beast asked Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, who is known as a seasoned expert on handling crowd control, what he thought about Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s handling of the situation.

“Well, I am a gentle, polite man and I do not like to speak badly about others, but Mr. Frey is nothing but a beta male”, said Assad. “I mean, the man is a crybaby, a total pussy, sorry, “Democrat”. I thought it was hilarious when he asked the rioters to ‘please wear masks and keep social distancing’, I mean come on! Everyone knows that masks don’t work, W.H.O. says so! Also, I’m the one who invented permanent social distancing years ago, when I significantly reduced the population of Syria in anticipation of the novel coronavirus. The only way to stay safe, as you like to call it, is population thinning. Since I already did that thoroughly, is it any real surprise that Syria doesn’t have a Covid-19 problem?”

Assad continued, “Then there’s the whole thing with the police station that Frey allowed the rioters to burn. When that happens in my country, we just start playing whack-a-mole with civilians, take the leftovers to prison, and then proceed to throw the ugliest ones out of the windows. Such a time-tested (and fun!) method of efficient riot control, especially if there are any lingering losers standing below.”

Assad concluded his interview with TMB by letting everyone know that he’s only a phone call away if anyone needs a hand with “crowd control”.

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