All Jewish Pensioners to be Armed

In a further bid to control gun violence in America, all Jewish retirees are now to be armed and given full close quarter battle training by SWAT teams.

An NRA spokesperson commented, “We fully support the President’s comments that things could have turned out differently if the worshippers had been packing heat. It’s clear that 97-year-old Rose Mallinger could have stood a much better chance if she’d had the ability to shoot back. Probably not a 9mm pistol as the recoil might have broken her rather frail wrists, but a .22 would have at least distracted the gunman and given her the time to make it away on her Zimmer. Training is key, and with so much time on their hands we just don’t understand how Bernice Simon, 84 and her husband Sylvan, 86, couldn’t have put time into speeding up their fast draw and practicing engaging an active shooter. It’s true what they say, ‘The Lord helps those that help themselves.’”