Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite.

“My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli occupation earlier in the week.

While other crewmembers are conducting experiments in biology, human biology, physics, astronomy and meteorology, Abbas plans to “close my eyes and imagine that I’m floating weightless in the Dead Sea, a body of water currently occupied by a certain genocidal regime.”

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At 89, the Palestinian leader’s age was a key factor in his decision to leave Ramallah for the tranquility of low Earth orbit. “I’m tired of the grind, son. I can’t even doze off in the middle of an emergency meeting anymore without people freaking out, thinking that I’m dead. Saeb Erekat [Chief PLO Negotiator with Israel] once even gave me sloppy mouth-to-mouth…tasted like stale salmon.”

Asked if he will continue to battle for Palestinian independence from outer space, Abbas responded enthusiastically: “Damn straight. To protest the decades of settlement activities and displacement, I will be pulling down my pants and flashing my ass at Israel every time it passes by my window.”