NEW YORK – Declaring that “neither De Donald nor De Hillary has what it takes to spread de American Dream around,” counter terrorist-turned-hair and hummus tycoon Zohan Dvir announced a historic independent run for the White House today, potentially transforming the current two-way U.S. Presidential race.
“De Hillary is like smearing stale peanut butter on your toast, and De Donald like arsenic-laden shit,” said Dvir at his Ellis Island campaign launch, flanked by his running mate, wife and business partner, Dalia Hakbarah-Dvir, along with their four children, Bubblech, Lincolnia Coco, Israstina and Mohummus.
Unveiling his key policies, The Zohan promised that “by 2020 the U.S. will get over 30% of its energy needs from chickpea-derived renewables,” and that “under Zohancare, every American will receive government subsidized Poontachat and food stamps for de Mideast’s favorite dip – ‘cause a tub of hummus a day keeps de doc away.” The country’s first would-be Jewish president also vowed to “crush both Islamic terrorism and homegrown racism by deploying ‘The Sound’ from Aleppo to Alabama,” and “solve de Israeli-Palestinian conflict with state-sponsored mass interracial orgies.”
Hakbarah-Dvir – who would be both America’s first female and Muslim Vice President, as well as First Lady – then glowingly narrated her husband’s rise from Israel’s most decorated soldier to billionaire beauty industry pioneer: “With over 300 hair salons, 14 Hummus-based skincare products and six Disneyland-styled Hummusworlds across four continents, Zohan personifies the real American Dream.” “And unlike Trump,” she continued, “he had no help from his daddy. He also has real hair, a really big dick and even bigger balls. And unlike Dirty Donny, he doesn’t want to ‘make sticky’ with his daughter…”