U.S. Wishes Israel Happy Jewish New Year by Giving It All of Its Foreign Aid

Last Friday Heather Nauert, a spokeswoman for the US State Department, announced that, as a gift for the Jewish New Year, all foreign assistance to all countries will be suspended…except for the State of Israel. The US House Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations, and Related Programs made the decision after consulting with the Mossad. According to Nauert, “The complexities involved in assisting so many countries is simply too complex, and we thank the Mossad for helping us to understand just how complex the complexities have truly become. It was like, we just didn’t get it before.”

After further consultations with Israel’s main intelligence agency, it was decided that the total expenditure of US foreign assistance will be given to Israel for Rosh Hashanah. While assistance to Israel will increase from $3 billion in military aid to approximately $50 billion per annum, it was noted that “this in no way affects US taxpayers. In terms of expenditure, nothing changes, except for the recipients…well, recipient.” It is unclear what other countries will now do without US foreign aid.

The United Nations General Assembly is currently in talks with the Federated States of Micronesia to take the lead as the next ‘global mommy and daddy’.