Struggling with Leaks, Internal Chaos and Loss of Support, He Sees the End is Near

Beleaguered by leaks, organizational chaos, infighting, and members jumping ship, the infamous leader struggles to maintain his hold on power.

One aid agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity “He’s breaking all the traditions! didn’t even hold a Ramadan dinner! All the past leaders I can remember has hosted Ramadan dinner.”

The “Fire and Fury” leader has lost a large number of his cabinet members, including several spokespeople, some lasting only a few days. “These guys come in all zealous, talking about how much they believe in the mission, they make the wrong phone call, and BOOM! Gone. We used to control a majority of the country, and now we’re barely hanging on. If that weren’t enough, his Speaker has lost support in the country, and now they’re  at each other’s throats. I’m not sure we can survive this.”

A senior military commander explained, “Now he’s even talking about expanding our presence in Afghanistan! As if our soldiers weren’t already over stretched and all over the place. It’s obvious the Taliban don’t want us there, so I don’t understand how we can secure a stronger presence.”

A former supporter spoke about how thrilled he was when they first took over, “He promised to rebuild our infrastructure, bring religion back into the public sphere, and stop the foreigners from invading our borders! None of that is happening.”

The supporter continued, “Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi promised to make this Caliphate great again, like it was 850AD when we had great trade deals with the Chinese, and great health care. So sad!”