Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

The Israeli Ministry of Health has made a recommendation that Israel skips its 69th birthday and move directly to its 70th. The proposal came about after an innocent Google search revealed that the number ‘69’ has sexual connotations.

“I searched ‘how to properly celebrate 69’ on Google to get some ideas for Independence Day and I was shocked, and aroused, by some of the images that appeared,” explained Culture Minister Miri Regev. “After engaging in some personal field research, I realized how fun the act really is, but it then became apparent it could over shadow the very purpose of our celebration.”

Ms. Regev communicated her concerns to party leadership, who then worked with the health ministry to legitimize the concerns. “When that birthday number pops up, we know people will be heading straight for the bedroom where disease can run rampant,” explained The Minister of Health Ya’akov Litzman who also added, “We can’t afford to have a mass population covered in genital herpes as it would jeopardize our push to populate our country with as many Jews as we can in order to catch up to the mass explosion of Palestinian birth rate in the past ten years, ” referring to their enemy’s 600% increase in population growth.

Mr. Litzman went on to explain the measure is for the country’s own safety. “Skipping Israel’s 69th birthday is in everyone’s best interest. If we’re going to keep sending our youth to expand the settlements in the West Bank, we’re going to have to keep making babies. 69 will likely prevent unwanted pregnancies, and at this time, we just can’t have that happen.”