President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

By Fathi Nezam [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win.

“Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would think it was a good idea to vote against me.”

“If Trump can be brave enough to speak out when he’s wronged, then I can’t stand silent and let my meager 89% of the vote be what defines me.”

“To be clear I don’t actually have any proof of this happening but I’m pretty sure that Alex Jones can come up with some justification for me. And it’s always reassuring to have him confirm who’s to blame. That’s right, the Jews, always the Jews.”