Report: Porn Reduces Suicide Bombing

Islamic State leaders are blaming an increase in the availability of high quality Internet porn for their inability to recruit enough volunteer suicide bombers.

Speaking exclusively to The Mideast Beast (TMB), ISIS’ Director of the Head Separation Techniques Department admitted that the problem had become so acute that the organization has needed to put a new recruitment drive in place.

“It used to be that the promise of 72 virgins in paradise would be enough to motivate any hairy palmed onanist to strap on the vest for us,” the official stated.

However, the increased availability and quality of web and mobile porn has shrunk the pool of the desperate.

The official said that the availability of all types of porn was also causing other problems. “Even when they do volunteer as soon as they learn it’s 72 virgins they bug out. After all who wants to spend all there time in paradise training up a bunch of virgins when what you really want is some hot MILF action‎?”

Confirming the story with security officials in Iraq and Syria, TMB was told, “yes, we can confirm they are having difficulties in recruitment. We have put a plan in place to offer free mobile Internet access to all ISIS members under 30”.