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Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast
Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down...
Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed
Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We...
Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’
“We couldn’t be happier to see that the United States is finally seeing things our way,” commented an al-Qaeda leader when he found out Senator Elizabeth Warren was silenced during the debate on the Attorney General nomination. “Women should never have the right to voice their opinion and it’s about time America did something about it.” “For far too long,...
Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022
There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by...
Terrorist Groups Issue Rare Joint Press Release
In a rare show of unity, the terrorist organizations prescribed by the US State Department issued a joint press release demanding equal acknowledgement with Muslim groups for the ‘Bowling Green Massacre.’ Kellyanne Conway couldn’t be reached for comment but the demand was undersigned: Abu Sayyaf Group, Aum Shinrikyo, Basque Fatherland and Liberty, Gama’a al-Islamiyya, HAMAS, Harakat ul-Mujahidin, Hizballah, Kahane...
ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory
Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the...
Al Qaeda Claims Credit for Bowling Green Massacre
Calling it the first act in a “comeback tour of terrorism,” al Qaeda claimed credit Sunday for the Bowling Green Massacre, which was first revealed last week by Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway. “The martyrs of Bowling Green remain hidden no more,” an al Qaeda spokesman said in a released statement. “Let the blood of the dead flowing through the streets...
Trump Tweets Nuclear Codes in 3 a.m. Twitter War with Jordanian Troll
The U.S. nuclear arsenal has gone on emergency lockdown after President Donald Trump mistakenly tweeted the nuclear launch codes during a twitter fight with a Jordanian troll. Trump appeared to mistakenly believe the troll, whose Twitter handle is @KingofJordan69, was in fact King Abdullah II, the Kingdom’s monarch. After @KingofJordan69, who was later discovered to be a 14-year-old boy from...
Following Trump Victory, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Arrive in Jerusalem
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived in Jerusalem this week for discussions on how exactly they are going to end mankind. Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death have gathered in The King David Hotel and won’t be leaving until things are settled. End of the World groupie, Jim Jane commented, “The guys are just in a really good place...
Palestinian Authority, Hamas, Hezbollah Express Support for Berkeley Riots Against Milo Yiannopoulos
The leaders of the Palestinian Authority, along with Hamas and Hezbollah expressed their support this morning following the violent riots at Berkeley triggered when professionally angry man Milo Yiannopoulos was scheduled to speak on the last night of his “Dangerous Faggot” tour. Berkeley students decided to express their right to free speech against what Yiannopoulos had to say by burning...
News Agencies Implore International Community to Provide More ISIS Stock Photography.
News agencies across the world begged the international community to supply them with more ISIS-related stock photos. Exasperated at using the same half dozen images again and again with each ISIS-based news story, Fox News reporter Samuel Swan explained the dramatic move; “It becomes so hard to peddle our agenda of fear and division when we keep on having to recycle...
Donald Trump Clinches “Islamic State Recruiter of the Month”
The ISIS-affiliated al-Amaq news agency has reported that Donald Trump has been named “recruiter of the month” this January. The statement read, “in recognition of superior recruiting efforts on the part of Donald J. Trump, we present this certificate of appreciation for his contribution to the cause of the Islamic State.” ISIS leaders, recruiters, and foot soldiers alike were stunned...
Al-Qaeda Launches ‘Name Your Resistance Group’ Startup Service in the U.S.
For a long time, Israel was branded as the ‘startup nation’, but there’s a new contender for the title: Al-Qaeda. Following the creation of ‘the resistance’ in the US as the progressive movement against Donald Trump, the terror group is launching a startup that aims to make the naming of your resistance group much easier. The service provides a various...
Palestinians Pledge to Donate 200 Million Dollar American Aid Package to the EPA
The Palestinian Authority has pledged that if Donald Trump releases the 200 million dollars in foreign aid approved by Former President Obama, they will immediately retransfer it back into the US Environmental Protection Agency. Citing the President’s recent measures to curb all new grants going to the EPA, PA spokesman Mahmoud Al-Tabarani has cited the “desperate need” to continue to...
ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook
A campaign by the Iraqi government to use Facebook to defeat ISIS has proven successful, as millions of social media “Check Ins” to the Iraqi city of Mosul has forced the terrorist group to flee. The breakthrough came after the Iraqi military urged Americans to post on Facebook claiming to be in Mosul in order to frighten and confuse ISIS...
Arab Leaders to Trump on Muslim Ban: ‘Oh Cool, You Just Meant the Poor Muslims’
Arab leaders have expressed relief as details of President Trumps ‘Muslim Ban’ have been released. King Salman of Saudi Arabia commented, “Oh I’m completely chill with this now. I mean who wouldn’t want to keep all those Yemeni crazies out of your country. That’s really just what we’re doing ourselves, just more with bombs than visas. And those Iraqis, am...
President of Iran on ‘Alternative Facts’ in America: “It’s a Good Start”
In an interview with The Mideast Beast, current President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani pointed out that, although American leaders have made headway, they still have a long way to go when it comes to lying to their people. He said, “let’s start with that name: alternative facts? Sounds so close to the truth, why even bother?” Don’t get me wrong, President...
God Hopes Men Will Listen to Women This Time
In response to questions regarding the Women’s March that was sparked by Trump’s inauguration and turned out to be the world’s largest protest thus far, God commented that he “really hopes men will listen to women this time around.” Apparently the Almighty was referring to the Golden Calf Incident where women gathered at Mount Sinai and vehemently protested the decision...
Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport
DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the...
Middle East Leaders Condemn Trump’s Inauguration
Nations from across the Middle East have reportedly condemned Barack Obama and the United States for inaugurating Donald J. Trump as the 45th President of the United States of America. In Saudi Arabia, King Salman had called on Obama to appoint a male relative as the next “president” of the US, saying that the peaceful transfer of power from one...