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RT Named News Channel of the Year
There was controversy in Tel Aviv last night after the Israeli Association for the Televisual Arts named Russian-funded RT as ‘International News Channel of the Year’ at its annual awards. The judging panel cited RT’s speedy reporting of the news and willingness to not let the truth get in the way of a good story as major factors in the...
ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap
The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very...
White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on...
Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House
Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve...
Google’s ‘Driverless Car’ Launches in Saudi Arabia
Google announced this week that it had chosen Saudi Arabia as the ‘perfect’ launch country for Google Car, also known as ‘Waymo’, the latest product from the high tech firm. At a pre-launch event, Head of Markets, Mike E Moist, stated, “Saudi Arabia is the perfect market for Google’s driverless car. We know that Saudis love mobile technology and there...
In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack
The Iraqi government released a statement earlier today, in solidarity with the Swedish people after they were targeted by President Trump with a false terrorist attack this past weekend. Swedish citizens were shocked to their very cores to find themselves under retroactive assault Friday night after the President referenced “what happened last night in Sweden” at his Florida rally. The...
Pope Francis Trolls Trump Again, “One-State World”
Pope Francis is known for trolling world leaders through piety but without naming names in God’s name. Today, as he washed the feet of the orphan refugees with blessed bottles of San Pellegrino Sparkling at the Holy Divinity Orphanage and Wine Tour in Rome, he was asked about Trump’s suggestion of a one-state solution in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Rather than...
ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading
In a decision sure to cause devastation across the US, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS announced that it has invited controversial former Breitbart senior editor Milo Yiannopoulos as a guest host for its annual Quran reading next month. “While we do not agree with all of Mr. Yiannopoulos’s views – hell, the only thing we agree with him on is...
Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm
Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents...
Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner
Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, has accepted an invitation to be the guest of honor at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of his...
Germany Staffs Refugees in Undesirable Jobs like Border Police
A torrent of refugees is threatening to deluge Europe like a flood of overused metaphors in a news article, and European countries are struggling for ideas to cope with the surge. Some countries, led by the innovative Germans, are coming up with creative solutions. “We had planned to close our borders with Austria,” said interior minister Thomas de Maiziere, “but...
Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World
ISIS leaders have been taking meetings in the contemporary art scene to raise money for future fighting in Mosul. Citing religious purposes, the group is known to destroy ancient art and ruins with sledgehammers, bombs and permanent markers to erase the rich cultural history of the region. But now, facing a stronger Iraqi/US front, the group has no choice but to...
UK Government to Ban All Communication in Order to Combat Extremism
LONDON — Following the historical Brexit referendum and the appointment of the new British Prime Minister, Theresa May, The Mideast Beast has learnt that the UK Government is planning legislation to stop people communicating, in a radical step to combat the Islamist threat. One commentator stated; “I’m not saying Mrs. May is ‘authoritarian’, but I understand that Benjamin Netanyahu has...
Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference
Speaking from the afterlife the three, all well-known for their sometimes ‘eccentric’ public performances, confirmed that yesterday’s effort was by far the most “bat shit crazy” thing they had ever witnessed. Former Libyan president Gaddafi commented, “A lot of people said I was a ‘bit out there’ when I listed the great prophets as Mohammed, Jesus and myself. But on...
ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List
Last week, the White House blamed the media for underreporting terrorist activity. While many of the attacks on the list were covered by the media, some, like the Bowling Green and Atlantis attacks came from a list reportedly provided by ISIS. Per a staffer who works close to the president, Trump was furious that his team continued to cite attacks that...
President Trump to Netanyahu, “Does Putin Talk about Me?”
Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast regarding the initial meeting between Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump reveal a productive conversation. The two leaders discussed a range of topics including settlements, the moving of the US embassy to Jerusalem, and the threat of Iran. In addition, there was one item that kept coming up in conversation a lot:...
Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban
Saying they should not be forced to sit next to Libyans and Yemenis while flying to the US to carry out terror attacks, ISIS members from Saudi Arabia and other countries not included in President Trump’s travel ban, have lashed out against a court ruling striking down the restrictions. “The travel ban was a sensible measure to ensure that terrorists...
Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has admitted to aides that he now regrets arriving in Washington during Valentine’s Day celebrations. An anonymous source stated, “The Prime Minister assumed he would be having a hotel room that provided Netflix so he could just have a chill evening, as the President would be with Melania. However, ten minutes into Love Actually he received...
Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available
Regional experts have confirmed that President Trump’s son-in-law is by far the best person to solve the myriad of interlocking and long-standing challenges in the Middle East, if every other possible candidate has been ruled out first. Owen Adams of the Institute of Bastard Problems That Just Won’t Go Away stated, “Yeah sure why not Mr. Kushner. I guess Juan Manuel...
Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom
Saying that the fight against radical Islamic terrorism could wait until more important matters are resolved, President Trump has called on Russian President Vladimir Putin to turn back fighter jets headed to Syria and redirect them to target Nordstrom locations throughout the US. Trump’s request came after Nordstrom dropped the apparel brand of the president’s daughter, Ivanka, after anti-Trump activists...