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ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?” “We are right up on the border...

BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire
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BREAKING: Genesis 12:3 Decides to Retire

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) Genesis 12:3 has revealed that it is uncomfortable with its current fame and is considering retiring from the bible. “It used to be that I was a bit part player in the whole story,” Genesis 12:3 told TMB in its first interview in several centuries. “You know I was just that verse that was used to...

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or...

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Following the Turkish referendum, people are now asking the tough question: What’s the worst that could happen? One expert at the Middle East Center for Stupid Questions (who wished to remain anonymous) said “although it looks bad at first, we can’t be sure that the delegation of even more power to a leader who is accused of wanting to turn...

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

The Mideast Beast has obtained a confidential transcript containing a message from God to an anonymous recipient. The message alludes to His involvement in the ongoing de-democratization processes in Turkey, Israel, and the US. And God said, “People are always saying ‘Ooooh, God created everything’ and shit like that. Well, let me tell you something: I didn’t create democracy, the...

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In an outcome that baffled pollsters and experts, Donald Trump has emerged victorious in Turkey’s constitutional referendum this weekend. The victory marked another upset for the American billionaire, as the ballot asked voters simply whether they approve of constitutional changes aimed at giving more power to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. But when all the votes were tallied, Trump had...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs
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America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to...

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped....

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

After days of criticism over his claims that Hitler never used chemical weapons, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been forced to resign and is now replaced by former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Listen, I think Sean’s been doing a wonderful job, but Jared tells me the Jews are very upset at him, so he’s gone,” Trump told The Mideast Beast....

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights
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ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal
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United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and...

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

Noting that things were so much easier when his BFFs Bashar and Donald got along, Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted that recent tension between two of his closest comrades is beginning to cause him undue stress. “Now whenever I invite Bashar to go shopping or to see a movie, the first thing he says is ‘I’m not going if Donald...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack
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UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says
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‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says...

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will....

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Palestinians Trigger ‘Article 50’ to Leave Israel

Noting that they were shocked to learn how easy politically separating from a repressive entity is, the Palestinian Authority announced last week that it has triggered Article 50 to leave Israeli control. Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said the idea originated when he saw a news article on British Prime Minister Theresa May taking a similar action to leave the EU....

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

U.S. Democrats Seek Tips from Hamas on “Resisting Occupation”

Following the surprise election of Donald Trump to be the country’s first ever hybrid President/CEO, the leaders of the Democratic Party have entered into an agreement with Hamas to receive training in armed resistance to an occupying power. ISIS could not be reached for comment, although it is understood that they were the second-lowest bidder behind the Palestinian amateur rocketeers. Senate...