Jeb Bush Actively Exploring Israeli Prime Minister Run

Jeb Bush Actively Exploring Israeli Prime Minister Run

After learning that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu leads in the polls for the upcoming election despite the latest scandal regarding his campaign finances, former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced this week he is ‘actively exploring’ a run for the Israeli premiership. “The guy has a 38-percent approval rating and might be on the verge of winning a third straight term? By that logic George Jr. should still be in office,” commented Bush. “And I thought the Republican field for U.S....

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase Launch Bid to Acquire Elders of Zion

In a move sure to shake up the shadowy realm of our dark overlords, rumors abound that upstarts Citi Group, Goldman Sachs, & JP Morgan Chase yesterday launched a bid to acquire The Elders of Zion, long one of the most respected brands among sinister secret societies. Reactions to the rumored move have been decidedly mixed. “All show,” declared senior analyst Al R. Thralls. “Sure, everybody knows that the Elders were amazing back in the day, but seriously? Citi, et al....

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel has bad feeling it didn’t call Baroness Warsi after that one night…

Israel is coming to terms with the fact that not calling Baroness Warsi after that drunken night at the “Rock for Peace” concert in Berlin last summer was a mistake. “Look I’m a little hazy about the whole thing,” admitted the Jewish Homeland. “Me and the Ivory Coast were just chilling in the VIP room and this delegation from the House of Lords rocked up. They were all pretty wasted already and this one chick asked me to guess what she...

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

Following the latest anonymous security threat, American movie studios have agreed to air a brief tribute to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un before all screenings of major motion pictures. “In the interest of the safety and welfare of our moviegoers, all films will now begin with a quick video praising Mr. Kim and his enlightened rule,” said a spokesman for Sony Pictures, adding that the 45-minute video would include a montage of various American historical figures bowing down before...

Academics: Eddie Vedder’s comments (once again) unclear

Academics: Eddie Vedder’s comments (once again) unclear

On July 11 in England, Pearl Jam’s front man, Eddie Vedder, went on (another) tangent that (again) was unclear. This time, in the middle of a concert, he cried (again), “They’re looking for a reason to go across borders and take over land that doesn’t belong to them, and they should get the fuck out, mind their own fucking business.” A large number of people immediately linked the comment to Israel and Palestine and quickly labeled Vedder as “anti-Israel”. However,...

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

A week after the grounding of a US Airways flight from Tel Aviv to Philadelphia, a Tel Aviv native in Ugg Boots claimed responsibility for the odor that wafted through the cabin and sparked a chain reaction of vomiting. Rose Pedelstein contacted media outlets after a TSA investigation identified her feet as the source for the noxious odor. “I’m really, really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,” Ms. Pedelstein said in a statement. “But the temperature in Tel Aviv...

FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

The FBI released a statement on Monday confirming that, “A Syrian General Security Directorate agent was identified and apprehended during the official reception to celebrate the Jewish festival of Hanukkah.” Interrogated by Federal Agents, the spy revealed his motivation for crashing the gala event: “A corned beef sandwich. I was on the rooftop of the Hay-Adams Hotel at Lafayette Square, in the crouched position, about to put a bullet through the eye of a filthy American-trained conspirator, when I started craving cured meat.”...

“Frozen” out in Iran

“Frozen” out in Iran

Clerics in Iran have issued a fatwa proclaiming the Disney film Frozen as the greatest danger to Islam since Salman Rushdie. At a press conference in Tehran the head of the Islamic Film Unit, Mullah Farsi Akhtar, explained the concerns. “I came home from a hard day banning indecent films such as 22 Jump Street only to find my nine year old niece watching a dubbed version of Frozen on her laptop,” he stated. “At first it just seemed like...

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal we knew that the EU was feeling down because of so many ongoing issues; from the deteriorating euro zone economy...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Negotiations between the US and Iran have stalled over Iran’s demand that America forcibly convert each of its 316 million citizens to Shia Islam. “We’ve been making tremendous progress but Ayatollah Khamenei’s insistence that we adopt strict Sharia Law, while understandable, has been a sticking point,” John Kerry admitted. “I believe, however, that if Allah wills it a deal can still be reached.” The expected deal would see all sanctions against Iran lifted and normal relations established in exchange for...

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters, the court has done little to prosecute far greater cultural offenders.” With Hamas no longer a focal point, the EU...

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the Mossad hacked Khaled Mashal’s computer and obtained his HBOGo account credentials, which were presented to the PM in an intelligence...

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t imagine the discomfort! It looked so much like an over-priced minibar, a few passersby actually pulled out a bottled water...

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

The decision for early Israeli parliamentary elections follows a drunken argument at a secret, orgiastic ceremony last week. It is rumored that Tom Cruise might have presided as High Priest at the Scientology Center in Tel Aviv. A number of top Israeli politicians fought over who should first have sex with Yuvalit Abramovich, a one time transgender soap opera actor-turned Scientology volunteer, who has since been reported missing. Given that an ISIS recruitment video was found on her computer, no...

Hamas Celebrates 27th Anniversary in Gaza with Beatles Tribute Band

Hamas Celebrates 27th Anniversary in Gaza with Beatles Tribute Band

The Islamic Resistance Movement, Hamas, danced the night away to classic Fab Four songs, in honor of the 27th anniversary of the militant group’s formation. Local tribute band Rubber Souldiers stormed the stage Friday night and performed for a capacity audience at Gaza City’s Palestine Stadium. Playing a toe tapping set that brought the crowd of ten thousand current and future shahids to their feet on several occasions. Rubber Souldiers’ uniquely jihadist takes on the Beatles catalogue were recorded live...

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s account. RELATED: Hamas to be the first to explore new galaxy “I don’t know how that happened!” exclaims Marini from...

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked Iranian government spokesman Arvin Shahidi. Gum chewing, farting and sneezing without covering one’s face are three of the 72 human...

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to get you,” Netanyahu noted. “I’ve managed to piss off all 120 Members of Parliament and eight million Israeli citizens, give...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...