Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Hamas Annexation of Israel For Peace

Naftali Bennett (on the right, image above), the leader of the religious-Zionist political party called “Jewish Home” has told the The Israeli Daily (TID) that if he becomes Prime Minister he may consider letting Hamas annex Israel for peace, citing pressure from student unions in the West. “We know the pressures these student unions are putting us under,” Bennett solemnly acknowledged. “When 30 or 40 students decide to pass motions demanding Israel withdrawal from the West Bank, we really feel...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced Tuesday. “As we attempt to restart negotiations between Israel and Syria on the Golan Heights and look to arm some...

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Turkey blames Saudi King’s death on Miss Israel Selfie

Stepping into the international arena with a declaration of something completely unrelated once more, Turkey announced that there was something ‘a bit fishy’ about late Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz’s death. President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (sexy stud in the image above) stated, “The sad death of brother King Abdullah, peace be upon him! is a direct consequence of the Zionist state’s aggression. Miss Israel’s deliberate photo bombing of Miss Lebanon killed the late Saudi King. You just can’t have that many...

Israeli Opposition to Expand Prime Minister Rotation Program to all Israelis who Aren’t Netanyahu

Israeli Opposition to Expand Prime Minister Rotation Program to all Israelis who Aren’t Netanyahu

Eyebrows were raised last month when Isaac Herzog, Israel’s Labor Party leader famous for not being Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, joined forces with Tzipi Livni, head of Israel’s parliamentary opposition.. The joint bid in Israel’s upcoming elections contains a plan to rotate both Herzog and Livni in the role of Prime Minister (PM) for two years each, under the slogan: “Who cares how many Prime Ministers there are as long as neither one is Bibi”. Despite the announcement, polls still show...

GOP Invites Guy Who Bullied Obama in 5th Grade to Address Joint Session of Congress

GOP Invites Guy Who Bullied Obama in 5th Grade to Address Joint Session of Congress

Declaring that “as a co-equal branch of government, we need to hear a variety of perspectives on the important issues facing our nation,” Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced that Lloyd Minton, the bully who tortured President Barrack Obama in 5th Grade, would soon address a rare joint session of Congress. Boehner brushed aside those who questioned the decorum of this unprecedented invitation. “Members of my caucus and that of Majority Leader McConnell are enthusiastic to hear from...

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group have announced that they will seek to add a new event to the 2016 Games: beheading. “We’ve been practicing real...

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do you think that the New York Times would be so terrible on Israel if a few bad ass Jew boys...

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Arab States Warn Citizens Abroad to Beware “Zionist Selfie-Aggression”

Iraq today joined the growing list of Arab states warning their citizens about what Foreign Minister Ta-kka Uptabum described as “ongoing Zionist selfie aggression.” “When that monster, Doron Matalon, viciously attacked poor Saly Greige with her iPhone camera, we knew that the Zionists had opened another front in our almost 70 year old war.” Lebanese Ms Universe contestant, Greige, received death threats after Israeli contestant, Matalon, posted a selfie of the two women on Instagram. Reports poured in of other...

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Super Bowl commercials for 2015 have been rolling out ahead of the big game on Sunday and, surprisingly, an ad by the Islamic Republic of Iran promoting the lifting of all sanctions against the country is generating some serious buzz. Produced by Iran’s Ministry of Barely Existent Tourism, the spot compares the increasingly moderate policies of the government in Tehran with a sex change operation. Farouk Ford Kashani, who directed the 30-second broadcast, describes it as “featuring a drop dead...

Iran Marks 70th Anniversary of the Not Liberation of Auschwitz

Iran Marks 70th Anniversary of the Not Liberation of Auschwitz

As the rest of the world marked the 70th anniversary of the liberation of the largest Nazi concentration camp, the Iranian government took the occasion to acknowledge a different event. “As all reasonable people now admit, the Holocaust is a hoax perpetuated by the Zionist regime. Because of this fact, we are celebrating the 70th anniversary of the Auschwitz ‘concentration camp’ not being liberated by Allied forces, The Mideast Beast was told by the ambassador of Islamic Republic of Iran to...

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities leading to school ‘exchange programs’ in order to foster understanding. Mustafa Gud’tym, mayor of Raqqa stated: “We are proud to...

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David Cameron, a tight ass and prime target for satire. Several commentators thought this issue arises in a troubling time for...

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

France Declares, “It is Time for the Normans to Come Home”

In a move surprising both for its timeliness and its lack of hypocrisy, France today declared that it is time for the Normans to return to Normandy. “Look it’s been a great run. Really, we planned on holding the announcement another 51 years for the 1000 year anniversary, but it is time to end the illegal occupation of our Anglo-Saxon neighbors. Normans! Come home! Response in Great Britain to the request proved surprisingly mixed. “I don’t speak French, but I...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia, Miss Pakistan and Miss Northern Alliance – when out of nowhere Miss Taliban comes from behind and yells ‘photobomb!'” Miss...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A high ranking courtier told The Israeli Daily‎, “we’d kind of been thinking King Abdullah wouldn’t last much longer and we...

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel Calls Sweden for Heart-To-Heart

Israel phoned Sweden to express his hurt that the Nordic hunk had recognized its errant neighbor Palestine. The Zionist homeland commented, “well at first when I heard the news I was like, whoa dude, not cool! What have I ever done to piss off the Scandinavians? Just at my birthday in May I was belting out the Abba hits on the Karaoke. For some reason I always finish with ‘Dancing Queen”, don’t know why.” “However after the initial shock wore...

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

World sends strong message at Paris Unity Rally: Terror against White, Christian Westerners will not be tolerated

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks, leaders from around the world have come together in a rare act of unity to send a message to terrorists around the world: Terrorism, in any shape or form, will simply not be tolerated when perpetrated against White, Christian, Westerners. “These last several weeks have been eye opening,” Secretary State John Kerry said in a press conference as James Taylor awkwardly played ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ on a microphone that looked uncomfortably low...

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first collection of vintage military jackets, which he embroidered with Swarovski skulls, inspired me to quit my online tutoring job and...

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

Exclusive Interview with Israel; “I Am Ready to Become ‘the Jewish State'”

After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli Daily. “Now I learn that the British have created an even purer society in the heart of the...