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Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations
A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western...
ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment
Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows...
ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale
Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of...
US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care
The 98-2 United States Senate vote to impose new sanctions on Iran has confirmed once and for all that Middle Eastern international relations is tons easier than health care. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented earlier today, “Many people have suggested that on health care reform we choked bigger than the Boston Red Sox, but those guys can kiss my...
In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations
In a move both sides say will bolster their political roster, the US has traded President Donald Trump to Iran for President Hassan Rouhani and cash considerations just before Monday’s trade deadline. Iran will also receive a politician to be named later. Sources familiar with the deal told The Mideast Beast that the trade made sense for both sides. While...
Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air
A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and...
EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994
After nearly 20 years of releasing the same anodyne statements regarding violence between Israelis and Palestinians, calling for “calm” and “restraint on both sides”, the European Union diplomatic offices are facing a potentially embarrassing situation. Officials have been scrambling to explain themselves after it was discovered early last week that the role of spokesperson to the European Union Delegation to...
Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”
As tensions rise in Jerusalem over Israel’s decision to increase security measures at the Temple Mount, one of Islam’s most sacred places, Prophet Muhammed breaks His silence as His patience began to wear thin. It’s been a long time since anyone has heard from the Prophet, and the leader of Islam hopes that every one of his followers will take...
Sean Spicer Dons Burka
Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer donned the enveloping outer garment shortly after leaving the press room for the last time. Challenged by a reporter from The New York Times he commented, “Let’s be honest over the last six months I’ve been forced to say and do some things up at the podium and in the bushes that have,...
Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million
Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10...
Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later
Citing “critical mistakes made in past conflicts,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today his plans to immediately repeal the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and replace it with “Something Great, probably in a couple of years.” Citing the stance taken by President Trump on healthcare reform he commented, “I looked at the performance of the IDF in the 2014 Gaza...
Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’
Responding to reporters regarding his alleged collusion with the Russian government, President Trump responded, “Fake news. All of it. You know these rumors are about as real as the chances of my ceasefire deal in Syria actually working out, right?” A reporter was overheard talking with a colleague, “Wait I’m confused. Okay, so if the Russia collusion isn’t real, the...
Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations
Following the news that Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign in order to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, The Elders of Zion released a statement today affirming their direct role in shaping the results of the elections. The statement noted that “this whole Russia thing has gotten way out of hand, and we want...
Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet
Hoping that their decision would help counter charges of antisemitism, UNESCO voted today in favor of a resolution on the Hale-Bopp Comet that leaves out any mention of its connection to the Heaven’s Gate religious group. The vote comes after the organization passed a similar resolution denying any Jewish connection to the Western Wall and Temple Mount in Israel, as...
State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time
State Department Near East analyst, Jack Miller, recently entered his own version of hell after Jared Kushner got a hold of his phone number. It all started, at a department briefing for Jared after he was appointed senior advisor to the President and charged with brokering peace between Israelis and Palestinians. After the briefing, Kushner asked Miller for his contact...
UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”
“We just wanted to see if we could”, was the explanation given earlier today by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, as it passed yet another resolution claiming a bagel store in West Jerusalem as a Palestinian heritage site. UNESCO has come under heavy fire over the past year for a number of resolutions that deny a historical...
Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs
Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While...
Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say
Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can...
Chicago to Hold Next ‘Dyke March’ in Saudi Arabia
Saying that the presence of Jewish pride flags at this year’s event “made people feel unsafe,” organizers of Chicago’s ‘Dyke March’ announced that next year’s event will be moved to Saudi Arabia. “The fact that Jews were trying to march in our parade really triggered a lot of our marchers,” one of the event’s organizers told The Mideast Beast. “But...
Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention
MEXICO CITY — Last week, a spokesman for the notorious Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel reportedly complained to journalists that despite the high levels of violence in the region, ISIS is still getting the lion’s share of the world’s attention. A cartel spokesman was quoted saying, “We really try our hardest to be the most brutal gang in the world. We...