One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he has been able to blend right in. He’s adopted the look of a Congressman: the gray hair, the combover, and...

Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies

Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies

The fine-tuned machine that is Israeli diplomacy was thrown into disarray when Palestinian Authority President Abbas released a late night voice mail left by Israeli Minister of Economy Naftali Bennett. In it Bennett made an emotional, if somewhat rambling, plea for peace. “Mahmoud, Mahmoud, why should we kill each other? You think Ayelet Shaked is a hotty, and we think she’s a hotty. You like humus and we love humus…of course you also like Hamas, but seriously can you eat Hamas...

ISIS to Summer in Italy

ISIS to Summer in Italy

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi has extended his welcome and given travel advice to ISIS for their planned summer holiday to capture Rome. Renzi told The Mideast Beast that the jihadists will be a much needed boost to the ailing economy, which has seen tourism hit particularly hard. “We’ve seen a massive influx of visitors and martyrs to Syria, Iraq and Libya because of ISIS, which have seriously helped the local economy,” Renzi said, “As I say to the young girls…...

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

The U.S. Republican Party is getting on Bibi’s nerves. “I thought it was just going to be casual,” said the Prime Minister, referring to his upcoming address to Congress. “I was just gonna stop by for a nightcap after I finished with AIPAC but now he [Republican Party Head John Boehner] is being all weird about it.” “I’m so excited!” squealed Boehner, totally not being weird about it. “All of the other Republicans are going. Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Yosemite...

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he worried that that title just doesn’t carry the kind of weight it did in the good old days. But folks...

John Kerry does a little ‘stocking up’ prior to Netanyahu AIPAC Speech

John Kerry does a little ‘stocking up’ prior to Netanyahu AIPAC Speech

A day before the start of the AIPAC (American-Israel lobby) Conference in Washington long lines of customers snaked through the aisles of Shwayder’s Boozy Emporium, the famous DC ‘beverage’ store. TID correspondent Kid Justin, a frequent patron of the store, caught up with Secretary of State John Kerry at the check-out line. “It definitely takes a lot of supplies to get through all the AIPAC speeches,” muttered Kerry, pointing at the wide variety of high-proof bottles in his cart, “Biden...

Giuliani Declares “Obama Bears the Mark of the Beast”

Giuliani Declares “Obama Bears the Mark of the Beast”

At a press conference former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani today further clarified his remarks about President Obama not loving America. “I say to you, my fellow Americans, that Obama does bear the Mark of the Beast. Six-six-six. Did he not rise out of the sea, with ten horns, and seven heads, and ten diadems? Is Obama not like a leopard, with feet like a bear’s, and a mouth like a lion’s mouth?” When asked by a reporter whether...

Bahrain to Secede from Middle East

Bahrain to Secede from Middle East

In a shocking move that has baffled analysts and geography-trivia enthusiasts around the world the island kingdom of Bahrain has declared its intention to get the hell away from the Middle East and forget that it had ever been part of it. “My family has worked for decades to achieve in Bahrain a post-oil economy based on finance and tourism, a tolerant society and even a sweet Formula 1 track,” explained Bahraini King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, “But despite...

Special Report: 12-step program for Middle East addicts

Special Report: 12-step program for Middle East addicts

Clarification: despite rumors, that is not Rani Steelballs in the image above The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive.  At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts are simply annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step...

Abbas, Khamenei Urge Netanyahu Not to Cancel Address to Congress

Abbas, Khamenei Urge Netanyahu Not to Cancel Address to Congress

While a host of Israeli politicians and Jewish leaders have called on Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu to cancel his speech to Congress set for this Tuesday, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas came out in defense of Netanyahu and urged him not to back down in the face widespread criticism. “Who cares what Obama thinks? Bibi, it’s your duty as Israel’s prime minister to take your case directly to the American people, especially the Republicans,” Abbas said in an impromptu press...

Report: Deal Limits Iran to Three “Nucular” Weapons, US to Give Up Brangelina, Michelle Obama

Report: Deal Limits Iran to Three “Nucular” Weapons, US to Give Up Brangelina, Michelle Obama

While the final deal between Iran and the US led P5+1 has yet to be released, TID has learned of several previously undisclosed already accepted compromises. The agreement limits Iran to three nuclear weapons at any given time, though as a face saving compromise, these would be referred to as ‘nucular’ weapons as per the Bush pronunciation. Iran could replace these weapons on an ‘as used’ basis. In another surprise, the US agreed to send celebrity couple Brad Pitt and...

Netanyahu Heroically Tackles Comptroller Attempting Audit

Netanyahu Heroically Tackles Comptroller Attempting Audit

Days after Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat saw a dramatic rise in popularity after tackling a knife-wielding terrorist, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he has tackled the state comptroller just seconds before the official completed a report critical of the government’s economic policy. Netanyahu, according to government sources, was doing a sweep of government offices Friday morning to collect empty bottles when he spotted State Comptroller Yosef Shapira in the act of publishing a devastating report on the country’s economic outlook...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled upon a picture of the dress and remarked innocently to U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry: “This is a lovely...

Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Obama Unveils New ‘Swag Strategy’ Against ISIS

Marrying the understated decorum of Hollywood and the unvarnished materialism of defeating terrorism through job training, President Obama today unveiled what is being called the ‘Swag Strategy’ against ISIS. “This new program is simple. And it borrows from the great cultural strength that is the Oscars as demonstrated by the $125,000 gift bags handed out to celebrity A-listers. If bombing ISIS back to the Stone Age is the stick, swag’s America’s carrot.” Special Forces units are already setting up forward...

US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast

US Troops checking next week’s Baghdad weather forecast

News that US ground forces will be deployed as Iraqi forces inexplicably failed in their duty has caused the website www.weather.com to crash as approximately one million soldiers checked the regional forecast for next week. Likely recipient of another Central Asian campaign medal, Sergeant John Padansky commented, “I guess this time it could be different, I mean we have thrown a few billion dollars into training and equipment at these guys, and it is their homeland they are fighting for, and…. Oh...

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the entire caravan, in the middle of a crowd of about six million hungry Catholics, so he could hop on the...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George with strong health, enough to finish writing his marvelous books which are below only the Quran itself.” ISIS militants expressed...

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

In a statement the group described ideal trading conditions as the reason behind the announcement saying ISIS, Tony Blair and the Zionist Union had approached them for advice. “Every left wing person seems to love Hamas across the world,” said the Zionist Union, “We want to know their secret to win the election for us and I guess also for Israel, who we have to pretend to like for a bit.” “We may be shit at destroying Israel and killing...

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Left Coast Moms, Fundamentalist Christians, Brooklyn Orthodox Jews, and Pakistani Taliban Unite to Spread Deadly Preventable Disease

Combating cynicism about different peoples inability to make common cause, a diverse coalition today united to spread highly contagious, and entirely preventable, diseases. Didactically Insipid People Protesting Your Science (or DIPPYS), brings together smug left coast moms, self righteous fundamentalist Christians, aloof Brooklyn Hasids (ultra-Orthodox Jews), and the Pakistani Taliban (with a little inspiration from Jenny McCarthy). Chairperson, Mrs Fulla Self, a MILF Santa Monica mother of four and all around know-it-all led the announcement. “Yes, we have our differences. But...

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of the term ‘last throes?’ Cheney wasn’t the only former Bush official to come forward. Serendipitously, former Secretary of State of...