Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Thursday afternoon saw a widespread hush descend across Israel for several hours, the cause of which was blamed on faulty cellular towers. A beefed up police presence and a rising sense of panic and uncertainty led to some comparisons with a standard terrorist attack with numerous people admitted to hospital rooms out of shock and a sudden mass onset of tinnitus. One Israeli phone user, staring madly into the middle distance, repeating, ‘Why? Why?’ in a deranged whisper.  A bystander told The...

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

With Israeli police on high alert amid riots in Jerusalem and Galilee, it is being reported that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has invited Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas on a roadtrip to Las Vegas in an attempt to diffuse rising tensions between Jerusalem and Ramallah. “Vegas, baby!” is how a letter allegedly written late last week by Netanyahu to Abbas begins. “Mahmoud, boychik, I’m strung out: I’ll see your ‘Right of Return’ and raise you a laid back, acoustic...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively Israeli-owned companies, and an unusually high number of commodities ventures, such as cattle futures in India and pork futures in...

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

As the United States Supreme Court considers Jerusalem’s status on US passports, the Israeli government is seeking to deflate the negative connotations long associated with its capital city by submitting a referendum to the citizens of Israel that will decide on a new name and motto for the current ‘Jerusalem: God’s Feisty Kitty’. While not a single Israeli government ministry was available for comment on the decision to hold a snap vote, TID has obtained an as yet unconfirmed list...

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest office in the land and was caught off guard when Obama picked up the phone,” explained a senior Israeli official....

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a large number of fireworks in order to celebrate Diwali, the Hindu’s ‘Festival of Lights’. When set off at the culmination...

Senior Saudi Arabian Minister Rejects Rapprochement with Israel

Senior Saudi Arabian Minister Rejects Rapprochement with Israel

Saudi Commerce Minister His Royal Freshness Prince Nash bin Baba Al-Saud stated on Tuesday that the rash of rumors about dialogue between Riyadh and Jerusalem is little more than a Zionist ruse. “Get real, cousin. This whole ‘from foe to friend’ plotline is as hackneyed as The Dark Night Rises. Jewish screenplay writers in Hollywood have been secretly whipping up and spreading these fairy tales. Coincidentally, Dark Night Rises happens to be my fifth wife’s nickname for my ‘little highness’.”...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood we couldn’t baste him for as long as we would have wanted. On the plus side the stoning had tenderised...

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen demographic and aims to rub their poverty in their faces while the rich and indulgent #RichKidsOfTeheran suit up in their...

Pulled-pork event in Nablus smashing success

Pulled-pork event in Nablus smashing success

Nablus, West Bank – A Hamas charity BBQ featuring 6,000 lbs. of ‘mystery meat’ drew a huge throng of Palestinians this weekend in Nablus. Local Hamas official, Ibrahim el-Porcinada rejected claims that the IDF-supplied BBQ, donated by the Van Camps Bean Company, was actually pork by saying, “Don’t be ridikumus (sic) the Israelis wouldn’t touch pig meat; we’re all Semitic! The IDF assured us that the wonderfully smoked BBQ gift was truly ‘smoked, seasoned goat meat.’ and I, for one,...

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to improve the nation’s Iron Dome experience in the next war. “We want to make the Iron Dome a more social...

Powerful Cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Defects to Monaco with Possible Secrets about Tehran’s Plutonium Program

Powerful Cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Defects to Monaco with Possible Secrets about Tehran’s Plutonium Program

MONACO – A powerful cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khameini has defected from the Islamic Republic and relocated to Monaco with his wife, mistress, spotted Siamese cat, two million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills – and perhaps some well-guarded secrets regarding Tehran’s plutonium production program. ‘Catch you on the flip side, bitches! Home slice has left the office to snort blow off a French hooker’s ass,’ was Bagher Tousi’s final Facebook posting before heading into self-imposed exile. Based on news...

Yogurt causing Jews to flee to Germany

Yogurt causing Jews to flee to Germany

In yet another sign of the imminent apocalypse, a root cause of mass emigration of young Israelis according to the Israeli government is a chocolate-flavoured yogurt. The ‘Milky’ brand yogurt, which retails in Germany three times cheaper than in Israel, has been described by milk by-product experts as, “A bit bland, a bit bitter. Just crap, really.” A spokesperson from the Israeli Foreign Office told The Israeli Daily, “Look, the yogurt really isn’t that great. It’s got a weird texture...

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

From the West Bank of the Mississippi, locals are tuning out Al Jazeera in droves due to lack of ‘real newsy stuff.’ Local soybean farmer’ Marvin ‘Tweets’ Furlough said, “When they first appeared on cable, we thought Al Jazeera might give us some juicy video from the Mideast, but now they’re showing nothing but rock-throwing punks and camel cutaways.” A similar complaint came from Melvina Twerk of suburban Joliet. “We had high hopes for AJ when they first started, but...

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

ISIS has hired the Manhattan-based Dewey, Cox and Dingle advertising agency in an attempt to rebrand the militant group’s image. CEO B.J. Hoofard noted that, “The first thing I told them when we met in my office was, ‘boys, I just got a call: the 12th century wants its religious nihilism back.'” When asked how his company plans to represent the extremist, jihadist terrorist operation, Hoofard responded dryly: “Carefully. Very Carefully.” He went on, ‘We live in the Digital Age....

Saudi Women’s Team Withdraw from Beach Volleyball Circuit

Saudi Women’s Team Withdraw from Beach Volleyball Circuit

The Saudi Arabian Women’s Beach Volleyball team have announced that they will not be competing in next year’s Grand Prix series after their request to wear Islamic-compliant clothing was refused. An official announcement from team manager Kamal al-Faisal stated: “We are shocked and horrified by the decision of the Fédération Internationale de Volleyball [FIVB] not to allow our women to wear the hijab for their tournaments. We view this as racist and anti-Islamic”. The team had made the request shortly...

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a Jewish Tomorrow, “When you google translate: ‘A just and comprehensive peace in the Middle East’ from English to Arabic, you...

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice).  Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song.  “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem.  “Trying to remain Celibate?...

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred for “dem Jooooos,” the Jewish people have responded as they have for millennia; by pointing out that they are in...

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

ISIS beheadings due to “a hateful, detestable video” according to Obama Administration

National Security Advisor Susan Rice was a guest on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the recent mass beheadings by the group known as ISIS were “apparently the result of a spontaneous protest over a hateful video.” Rice, speaking on behalf of the Administration, continued, “This video is another example of the sort of failures of diplomacy our Administration has been trying to overcome – failures left over from the previous Administration.” The weekly news show was briefly interrupted while...