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ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising
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ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

RAQQA, SYRIA – ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has released a new document entitled, “A New Vision for the Death of America,” where he calls upon the entire Islamic State and affiliate organizations to begin fundraising for the National Rifle Association. Outlining his plan, al-Baghdadi writes, “There is an American organization that enables anybody to buy high-powered military-style rifles capable of...

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

In a radical departure on promises to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem President Trump announced Saturday night that he intends to move it to Mt. Gerizim instead. Located in the West Bank city of Nablus, Mt. Gerizim is the holiest place to the Samaritan people. The place they believed the temple should have been built and...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In...

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

Amidst rising controversies on US campuses over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Students for Justice in Palestine is outreaching to its diverse students by hosting their second annual “Israel, Palestine, and Occupation Forum” this coming Friday night. Members of all faiths are welcome to participate to promote easing tensions between Christians, Jews, and Muslims by discussing modern events in Israel. Snacks and...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”
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Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed...

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

The White House released a statement that it has not yet decided on which nickname it will use for the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, saying: “all options are on the table”. Leaked documents from the White House posted by the White House to Twitter show that the nicknames under consideration for Assad were in no way limited to Elton...

YidLife Crisis Episode 1: Breaking The Fast

YidLife Crisis Episode 1: Breaking The Fast

Assembling at Montreal’s Holy Temple of poutine, La Banquise, on the Jewish calendar’s holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur, Chaimie and Leizer argue about the meaning of the ritual of fasting while inevitably ritually eating.   Producers Producers are Jamie Elman Eli Batalion Philip Kalin-Hajdu Read their bios...

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade
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Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something...

Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive
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Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive

King Salman’s revocation of the controversial driving ban for women has backfired with the swiftest revolution in the Middle East to date. Just hours after the driving ban was lifted, women converged on major locations across Riyadh. Fatima Al-Fatima, the leader of the revolt, spoke from the royal palace: “We have been practicing on our husband’s dune buggies and golf...

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments
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‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods
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Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an...

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East
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Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as...

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch
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National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which...

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose...

As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 
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As the Caliphate Collapses, ISIS Hands Out Feedback Forms to Residents 

Following increasing pressure on its strongholds, ISIS has decided to hand out feedback forms to its residents. ISIS leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, wrote a foreword to the form: “Thank you for going on this magnificent journey with us. We want to ask our Muslim brothers to just take five minutes out of their day to give some honest feedback on...

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS Leader Not Sure How to Top Trump’s UN Speech

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly scrambling to revise his speech to the United Nations, after US President Donald Trump raised the bar by threatening to annihilate North Korea. “I had all these hair-raising lines about how we would meet America with a force never seen before, show no mercy and bring death and destruction,” Baghdadi told The Mideast...