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Iran’s Ayatollah ‘Deeply Honored’ After Saudi Crown Prince Calls Him ‘Hitler’
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei said he is reconsidering his longstanding hostility towards Saudi Arabia after the Saudi crown prince paid him what he called “the ultimate compliment.” “I am honored and humbled that Mohammed bin Salman has said that I am the new Hitler,” Iran’s Supreme Leader told The Mideast Beast. “This act of friendship by the crown prince...
Hamas Terror Tunnel Project Delays Explained by Big Dig Contractors
It has transpired that Hamas’ terror tunnel network project’s numerous setbacks and delays can be explained by the Islamist group using the same contractors who worked on the so-called ‘Big Dig’ project in Boston in the 1990s and 2000s. The planning and development officials who had managed the controversial American highway development had been hired by Hamas in what has...
Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...
Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”
Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamist Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning jihadis, “the vast majority of these combatants come home...
ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving
Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started...
TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality
Reporters from The Mideast Beast have reported that they find it increasingly difficult to satirize current events given how insane everything has become. One writer explained, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with reality? I mean, it’s reaching batshit crazy level. I watch CNN and President Trump is getting into a Twitter war with Kim Jong Un, while...
Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball
Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without...
Trump to Designate Wisconsin as Independent Kurdish State in Program Known as ‘Curds for Kurds”
President Trump has announced an initiative to set up a Kurdish state in the heart of America’s dairy land. Known as ‘Curds for Kurds,’ this program will allocate a large portion of the Western half of Wisconsin as an independent Kurdish state. He began, “It was so obvious to me, you know? They got curds already in Wisconsin. What’s a...
Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date
Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other...
Shiite Muslims Blast Taylor Swift Over Silence on Caliphal Succession
Demanding that the popular country-pop star pick a side, Shiite activists are increasingly calling out Taylor Swift over her silence regarding the rightful succession to the Prophet Muhammad. “Tay Tay never misses a chance to rip Kim and Kanye, but when it comes to Yazid’s murder of Husayn ibn Ali at the Battle of Karbala, all we hear are crickets,”...
Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World
The confusion over the whereabouts of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri has been resolved unexpectedly after he was found on holiday in Disney World Orlando. The Prime Minister was said to have fled Lebanon “in fear of his life” due to the growing influence of Iran-backed Hezbollah in his country, though the Iranians claimed he was being held against his...
Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls
In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far....
The New ISIS App Everyone’s Talking About
On Monday, what remains of ISIS’ leadership, announced it had released a new app in hopes that it will make up for the heavy losses of territorial influence over the last few months, mainly from red, white and blue colored bombs. The terror group has made use of the technological skills of some of its captives to program the app....
Trump Wonders Why Palestinians Don’t Just Use Children to Slingshot Rocks at Israeli Missiles
KYOTO, JAPAN — After asking why Japan, a country of “Samurai warriors,” didn’t shoot down North Korean missiles, U.S. President Donald Trump continued parsing the puzzling issues regarding aerial warfare. “You know every time these Hamas guys shoot missiles at Israel and the Israelis shoot back, I have to wonder why they don’t just use kids with slings and rocks to...
After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs
Stressing its commitment to fighting climate change following its signing of the Paris Climate Accords, the Syrian government announced that it will begin using ecologically friendly explosives when cluster-bombing civilians. “Dropping barrel bombs full of pollutants on schools, mosques and hospitals was not just irresponsible. It was flat-out wrong,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad acknowledged. “As Paris Agreement signatories, our massive...
Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze
A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel....
ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”
Calling the Iraqi-led effort to dislodge his forces from their strongholds a distraction, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi questioned why the army and media were not instead focusing their attention on “crooked Saddam.” “It is so unfair that everyone keeps attacking our caliphate when they should be focusing on Saddam.” Baghdadi said in a barrage of Tweets. “I heard that...
Bribery Concerns as Qatar Set to Host Every Major Sporting Event for 100 Years
Suspicions of bribery have been raised following the news that Qatar is set to host every major international sporting event for the next century. “It was one thing getting to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022, but also hosting the FIBA World Cup, Olympics, Paralympics, Rugby World Cup, World Baseball, Ryder Cup, all the Grand Slams and countless other...
Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”
On Thursday Donald Trump issued another controversial and confusing tweet. Believing Madonna Louise Ciccone, famous for her 1984 hit “Material Girl,” to be the mother of Jesus of Nazareth, Trump tweeted “@madonna. Sorry to hear about your boy Jesus. But in all fairness, he knew what he signed up for.” The next day, the president attempted to clarify his comments,...
Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
President Trump has launched a novel approach the Middle East peace process with the suggestion that the major negotiation sticking points between Israelis and Palestinians could be solved in a winner-take-all IQ test. “Winners in the Mideast should be decided by IQ test. Netanyahu and Abbas must compete. SMARTEST guy gets Jerusalem. The other doesn’t – SAD!”, Trump tweeted late...