Archives

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan

18 April: Called a snap election today on the very reasonable grounds that I need to basically become more of a dictator than I already am. Maybe if I really smash it, I can get myself called Sultan or King or whatever and get myself a good harem going. Are harems still a thing? Make a note, must google ‘harems.’...

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

TEL AVIV – It’s summertime! The streets of Israel’s coastal metropolis were filled with boisterous revelers after the World Pubic Waxing Association announced that the city’s homegrown ‘Tel Avivian’ had officially surpassed the veteran ‘The Brazilian’ as the world’s most popular bikini wax style. ‘The Tel Avivian’ – with its iconic strip of interconnecting Star of Davids – was ranked first...

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network
,

Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network

As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....

Following ‘Death to Palestine’ Chants, Iran Arms Jewish Terror Groups

Following ‘Death to Palestine’ Chants, Iran Arms Jewish Terror Groups

With protestors in Iran filmed chanting “Death to Palestine,” the Islamic Republic has begun funneling money to Lehava, the Jewish Defense League and other radical right-wing Israeli groups. The move represents a dramatic reversal for the country’s ruling Ayatollahs, who for decades have funded Palestinian terror groups like Hamas and Hezbollah while leading chants of “Death to America” and “Death...

‘Why Can’t You Be More Like Maxine Waters?’ ISIS Chief Asks

‘Why Can’t You Be More Like Maxine Waters?’ ISIS Chief Asks

Blasting his supporters over their excessive civility, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi issued a statement urging followers to employ the tactics of Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Baghdadi’s statement came after Waters, one of US President Donald Trump’s most vocal critics, told supporters at a rally to harass officials in the Trump administration if they came across them in public. Baghdadi called...

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service
,

Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service

Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’
,

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve...

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

Following a series of military losses, the Islamic State is trying its hand at musical theater. “The Soldiers of Allah are excited to present ISIS: The Musical, coming soon to Broadway,” reads the marquee atop the Issac Schlossburg Theater. The show, currently in previews at Hartford Stage, is billed as a riotous, raunchy peak at life in the Caliphate. “We...

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’
,

Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’

Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their...

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials
, ,

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their...

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin

9 May: Today, I, Vlad the Greatest, met with Benjamin Netanyahu who got pissed when I asked him which Middle Eastern country he was a dictator of. He claimed he wasn’t a despot before droning on and on about Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East. “But nobody seems to give a shit about that anymore”, Ben sighed...

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays

In a move celebrated as a first step towards ending the execution of homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has shuttered all Chick-Fil-A location’s over the fast food chain’s opposition to same-sex marriage. “While we feel that homosexuality is a crime against Allah, and the only acceptable penalty is death, we also reject the homophobia of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy,”...

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

The Name’s Stein, Palestein

In a surprise move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced that a long-term peace agreement has been successfully negotiated. In a joint press conference, the world leaders announced that the State of Israel will cease to exist entirely, being replaced by a unified Jewish-Arab nation called Palestein. “It is time,” said Abbas, “for Palestein...

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle
,

Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle

In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant...

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt

Declaring that she has finally found somebody who shares her love of exploiting government resources for personal use, Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu announced that she is leaving her husband for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “I thought I was living my best life with Benny – charging taxpayers for home renovations, installing luxury hotel rooms on private airplanes, and even...

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen
, ,

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to...

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row

Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the...