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REVEALED: Secret Diary Excerpts: Recep Tayyip Erdogan
18 April: Called a snap election today on the very reasonable grounds that I need to basically become more of a dictator than I already am. Maybe if I really smash it, I can get myself called Sultan or King or whatever and get myself a good harem going. Are harems still a thing? Make a note, must google ‘harems.’...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Makes Bid to Replace Justice Kennedy and Overrule Travel Ban
Following the United States Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision to uphold President Trump’s travel ban, and Justice Anthony Kennedy’s decision to retire from the bench, Iran’s Supreme Leader is making a highly unusual bid to become a US Supreme Court Justice in the hope that he could help overrule the decision in a future case. Mr. Ali Khamenei now appears to...
‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style
TEL AVIV – It’s summertime! The streets of Israel’s coastal metropolis were filled with boisterous revelers after the World Pubic Waxing Association announced that the city’s homegrown ‘Tel Avivian’ had officially surpassed the veteran ‘The Brazilian’ as the world’s most popular bikini wax style. ‘The Tel Avivian’ – with its iconic strip of interconnecting Star of Davids – was ranked first...
Saudi Arabia to Launch Own Social Network
As part of the new Crown Prince initiative to democratize Saudi Arabia, the government has announced that they are launching a new social network called YallaBook. The initiative is set to replace Facebook, recently banned in the kingdom, “due to the corporation’s authoritarian structure,” according to Saudi officials. The Crown Prince has spent the last week promoting the new network....
Following ‘Death to Palestine’ Chants, Iran Arms Jewish Terror Groups
With protestors in Iran filmed chanting “Death to Palestine,” the Islamic Republic has begun funneling money to Lehava, the Jewish Defense League and other radical right-wing Israeli groups. The move represents a dramatic reversal for the country’s ruling Ayatollahs, who for decades have funded Palestinian terror groups like Hamas and Hezbollah while leading chants of “Death to America” and “Death...
‘Why Can’t You Be More Like Maxine Waters?’ ISIS Chief Asks
Blasting his supporters over their excessive civility, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi issued a statement urging followers to employ the tactics of Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Baghdadi’s statement came after Waters, one of US President Donald Trump’s most vocal critics, told supporters at a rally to harass officials in the Trump administration if they came across them in public. Baghdadi called...
Trump Starves to Death After Restaurants Deny Him Service
Democrats retook control of all three branches of the US government over the weekend, as nearly all Republican leaders including President Trump were denied service at a number of local restaurants, and starved. The effort was spurred by the owner of a Virginia Red Hen restaurant, who turned away Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Once enough progressive restaurant owners...
ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’
In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve...
Jeff Sessions on Border “Concentration” Camps: “More Like a Dog Pound for Kids.”
The Trump administration is under fire again, regarding the conditions of migrant children being held in camps along the border. Amnesty International and the UN have already condemned the United States; however , the UN has not yet found a way to blame the camps on Israel, but they have a commission tirelessly at work. Many have decried the practice...
Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck
TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks. But dreams are easily...
After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway
Following a series of military losses, the Islamic State is trying its hand at musical theater. “The Soldiers of Allah are excited to present ISIS: The Musical, coming soon to Broadway,” reads the marquee atop the Issac Schlossburg Theater. The show, currently in previews at Hartford Stage, is billed as a riotous, raunchy peak at life in the Caliphate. “We...
Southern Poverty Law Center Lists SPLC as ‘Anti-Muslim Hate Group’
Blasting the group as a “bunch of Islamophobic bigots,” the Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified itself as an anti-Muslim extremist group. “The Southern Poverty Law Center targets Muslims like Maajid Nawaz – who are most certainly not anti-Muslim extremists– simply for their faith,” SPLC President Richard Cohen said in a recorded statement on Monday. “These folks are using their...
ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials
Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their...
REVEALED! Secret Diary Excerpts of Vladimir Putin
9 May: Today, I, Vlad the Greatest, met with Benjamin Netanyahu who got pissed when I asked him which Middle Eastern country he was a dictator of. He claimed he wasn’t a despot before droning on and on about Israel being the only democracy in the Middle East. “But nobody seems to give a shit about that anymore”, Ben sighed...
Iran Bans Chick-Fil-A Over Treatment of Gays
In a move celebrated as a first step towards ending the execution of homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has shuttered all Chick-Fil-A location’s over the fast food chain’s opposition to same-sex marriage. “While we feel that homosexuality is a crime against Allah, and the only acceptable penalty is death, we also reject the homophobia of Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy,”...
The Name’s Stein, Palestein
In a surprise move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced that a long-term peace agreement has been successfully negotiated. In a joint press conference, the world leaders announced that the State of Israel will cease to exist entirely, being replaced by a unified Jewish-Arab nation called Palestein. “It is time,” said Abbas, “for Palestein...
Sergio Ramos Accused of Being Israeli Spy Over Mo Salah Tackle
In the latest conspiracy theory linked to Israel’s main intelligence agency, a prominent Egyptian cleric claims he has “cast iron proof” that Real Madrid defender, Sergio Ramos, is, in fact, a Mossad operative who deliberately handicapped the Liverpool player and rising star, Mo Salah. Egyptian-born Salah, considered one of the world’s top soccer players and who has garnered a significant...
Sara Netanyahu Leaving Bibi for Scott Pruitt
Declaring that she has finally found somebody who shares her love of exploiting government resources for personal use, Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu announced that she is leaving her husband for EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt. “I thought I was living my best life with Benny – charging taxpayers for home renovations, installing luxury hotel rooms on private airplanes, and even...
UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen
While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to...
Jerusalem’s Damascus Gate Renamed Following Cultural Appropriation Row
Following accusations of cultural appropriation, the Jerusalem Municipality has agreed to rename one of the entrances into Jerusalem’s Old City. The decision to rename Damascus Gate was announced after months of campaigning by social justice warriors who claim that the site as it is currently named constitutes an “aggressive act of linguistic colonialism against the people of Syria.” While the...