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Taliban Leader Impeached Over Phone Call with Ukrainian President

Taliban Leader Impeached Over Phone Call with Ukrainian President

Taliban rule in Afghanistan may soon be coming to an end, as the Afghan House of Representatives has voted to impeach the terror group over a phone call its leader made to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The impeachment inquiry was launched after a transcript of a call between Zelensky and Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar was leaked to the...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread
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Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus Delta...

Erdogan to Meet Taliban Leader to Advise on Torture, Repression Techniques

Erdogan to Meet Taliban Leader to Advise on Torture, Repression Techniques

In a sign of the Islamist militant group’s growing stature, the Taliban will meet this week with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to discuss methods of torturing and killing political opponents. With the Taliban now in control of nearly all of Afghanistan, Erdogan said that the time had come to treat the group with the respect it deserves as an...

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
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iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 12 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere...

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

Taliban Defeated After Leader Dies in ‘Milk Crate Challenge’

In a dramatic reversal of fortunes, the Taliban regime in Afghanistan has collapsed after Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar fell to his death while attempting the “Milk Crate Challenge” now popular on TikTok. Baradar announced plans to attempt the challenge, which involves climbing a pyramid of stacked milk crates, after triumphantly entering Kabul following the Taliban’s capture of the...

Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement

Biden to Reinvade Afghanistan After Taliban Pulls Out of Paris Climate Agreement

In a stunning turnaround, President Joe Biden is now ordering US forces to re-invade Afghanistan and overthrow the Taliban after the terror group announced its withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords. Biden previously stood behind his decision to withdraw from the country even as chaos unfolding in Kabul led his approval ratings to nosedive. But on Monday, the Taliban announced...

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Looking to Solidify Superpower Status, China Set to Occupy Afghanistan

Declaring it a sacred tradition his country is proud to inherit, Chinese President Xi Jinping announced Friday his military is preparing for an invasion and a minimum decade-long occupation of Afghanistan. The announcement came after President Biden announced a full troop withdrawal and an end to the U.S.’s “forever war” in the country last month. “As a rising superpower, we...

Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App
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Palestinian Authority Unveils “RiotFind” App

Seeking to prove once and for all that there’s room in the region for more than one high-tech powerhouse, the Palestinian Authority today unveiled the “RiotFind” app now available in all app stores. President Abbas explained, “no longer will hooligans have to wander aimlessly carrying heavy rocks and burning tires, hoping to find like-minded gentlemen, inclined to smack a Zionist...

Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub

Iran Denies Calling Off Nuclear Talks amid Obama Birthday Party Snub

TEHRAN — Iran’s Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei vigorously denied pulling out of Nuclear Talks with the US after being disinvited to former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard. “That had nothing to do with it,” fumed the fiery spiritual leader, still wearing his ‘Shi’ite Chic’ chocolate chiffon robe and a turban festooned with images of a smiling...

Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers
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Entitled Settlers Tired of World Whining Over Settlers

Fed up with Israeli hand-wringing and the world pissing and moaning about a bunch of Jews living in remote and isolated desert areas of the Holy Land, residents and community leaders of a Judean Hills enclave held an emergency meeting to discuss marketing strategies going forward. Rebecca Steinbaum, an outspoken resident, gave The Mideast Beast an earful. “We aren’t Jewish...

Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits

Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Reduction Surgery for Man Tits

BEIRUT – Rocket fire into Israel wasn’t the only news coming out of Lebanon this weekend. Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to conduct the operation, according to...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
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Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’
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World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israelis and Palestinians’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis and Palestinians, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around their little conflict. International developments for which Israelis and Palestinians have no involvement include: Accelerating the spread of the Delta and Delta Plus Coronavirus variants throughout the world. This apparently was...

Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 17 Years to Win Any Sporting Event

Israeli Gold-Medal Gymnast Becomes First Jew in 17 Years to Win Any Sporting Event

Israeli artistic gymnast Artem Dolgopyat made history with his Olympic gold-medal performance Sunday, becoming the first Jew in a decade-and-a-half to win any sports competition at any level. Since windsurfer Gal Friedman’s victory at the 2004 Olympics in Athens, no Jewish man or woman, in Israel or the diaspora, had bested any gentile in any sport, according to records tracking...

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Female Suicide Bomber Shocked to Only Receive 63 Virgins in Paradise

Calling it a shocking example of what she referred to as the “Virgin Gap,” a female suicide bomber who recently blew up a school bus was stunned to learn that she would only receive 82 percent of the virgins that male terrorists are entitled to upon entering paradise. “I blew up that school bus just as well as any heroic...

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

Saudi Arabia’s Newest Rules Don’t Make the Kingdom Any Less Shitty

RIYADH — While it’s true that foreign unmarried couples are permitted to stay in hotel rooms together in Saudi Arabia, another wildly progressive step for the Kingdom, two years have passed and the ‘move towards modernity’ has yet to be met with the anticipated level of excitement from the international business community. One Western CEO commented, “OK great, now I...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”
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BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments,...