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Colorado Fines Christian Baker for Refusing to Bake Gay ISIS Bar Mitzvah Cake
The Colorado Civil Rights Commission is once again pressing charges against Masterpiece Cakeshop Owner Jack Phillips after the Christian baker declined to make an ISIS-themed cake celebrating a gay bar mitzvah. Phillips, whose previous refusal to bake a cake for a gay wedding ended up with the case in the Supreme Court, told The Mideast Beast that creating the cake...
Saudi To Fund Tesla to Get to Mars Ahead of Jews
The Saudi Sovereign Wealth Fund has admitted they are in advanced talks with Elon Musk to finance his buyout bid. A spokesman commented, “Let’s be honest the Zionists have won down here on Earth. We need to draw a line under it and look to the stars. Mr. Musk has promised us exclusivity on the first Mars rockets. I don’t...
Corbyn Under Fire for Taking Submarine to Lay Wreath on Bin Laden’s Grave
UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is facing criticism once again, this time after it was revealed that the opposition leader used a military submarine to lay a wreath on Osama bin Laden’s grave at the bottom of the Arabian Sea. The controversy surfaced after video emerged of Corbyn – who previously called bin Laden’s death a tragedy– exiting the submarine...
Israel ‘Insufferably Smug’ That They Enjoy Better Saudi Relations Than Canada
Canadian sources have expressed jealousy, regarding Israel’s comparatively positive relationship with Saudi Arabia, in the wake of the latter’s fierce backlash to the Canadian government’s critique of the Gulf Arab state’s human rights record. “Like, we were only saying what everyone else was thinking about their shitty human rights situation”, one Canadian government official said. “But, the Saudis get all...
Omarosa Claims She Saw Trump Praying Five Times a Day, Taking Flight Lessons
In the latest bombshell from her recently published book, former White House aide and reality TV star Omarosa Manigault claims that she witnessed President Donald Trump praying towards Mecca five times a day and sneaking out of the White House to take flying lessons. Omarosa’s claim is her most startling to date, following allegations that the president used racial slurs and...
Alex Jones Delivers Rational and Thoughtful Response to Internet Ban
In a surprising turn of events, internet talk show host Alex Jones has released a thoughtful and eloquent response to the broad social media Info Wars ban. In a video posted to his website early this morning, Mr. Jones calmly and clearly explained his thoughts on being banned from Apple, YouTube, and Facebook. “In hindsight, I realize that claiming that...
Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends
Despite vocal opposition to Israeli control over the West Bank, most Israeli Jews who outwardly express support for a Palestinian state actually think it would be a disaster, according to a report by a Tel Aviv-based think tank. The findings are based on a poll conducted by the Israel Democracy Center among 2,000 self-described ‘Liberal’ Zionists in Israel. “We want...
ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States
ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment...
Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me...
ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70...
IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women
As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better...
Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”
In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there...
Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys
In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts...
Eric Trump Detained by ICE
It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and...
“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event
“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If...
World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt
International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake...
Hamas Ends Space Programme After Iron Dome Intercepts Rockets
Hamas has rebuked Israel for using their Iron Dome rocket defence system to intercept rockets which the organization claimed were not aimed at Israeli civilians but were in fact part of a fledgling space programme. “We’ve spent more than a decade trying to develop rockets which can successfully kill or maim Israeli civilians and it’s largely gone to waste since...
Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani
Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam, better known as “Baghdad Bob” for his outlandish claims during the US invasion of Iraq, told The Mideast Beast that he was “starting to get a bit worried” about former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani over his defense of US President Donald Trump. “Listen, I know that sometimes you have...
Mummy Unearthed Grasping BlackBerry Smartphone
The recently discovered cavity in the Egyptian pyramids contained an ancient relic, archaeologists have revealed. Dr. Jackie Jackson, who led the research organized by BATY, the British Archaeological Team Youth, told The Mideast Beast: We found this mysterious item called a ‘Blackberry’. Apparently, they were very popular in the past, but it must’ve been well before my time.” “The Mummy...
Obama Urges Trump Not to Meet Iran without Preconcessions
With US President Donald Trump saying he would meet with Iran’s leaders “whenever they want,” former President Barack Obama is urging his successor not to sit down with the ayatollahs without first making a number of significant preconcessions. “The key to negotiating a successful Iran deal is to not come to the table until you’ve given in on at least...