Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

New WikiLeaks documents show that, in 2016, after the Nobel prizes were announced, John Kerry made several late-night phone calls to members of the awarding committee as well as multiple late night drunk texts. Mr. Kerry had high hopes for being remembered for something other than being the guy who lost to George W. Bush fair and square; he set his sights first on the Arab-Israel conflict, which ended in a war in summer 2014, and then on the Syrian...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as we only have a GDP per capita of 1,400 bucks, we’re sure we can come to some sort of deal....

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was all like ‘what the fuck are we going to do now?’ We all watched Bibi’s visit and we really don’t...

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Saying that they are “thankful to Allah that that orange-skinned lunatic isn’t actually in charge,” rulers from across the Middle East are relieved to learn of a powerful “deep state” secretly running the US. “I must admit, for a while I was quite concerned about these American ‘elections,’ as they call them,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi told The Mideast Beast. “It’s quite comforting to know that in America the elected government is virtually powerless and that a web of...

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Turkish leadership entered uncharted territory this weekend, as President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has finally run out of people to call a Nazi. While some Turkish officials had expressed concerns after Erdogan called the leaders of Germany and the Netherlands Nazis within a week, the crisis caught the government off-guard. The final accusation came Saturday, as Erdogan labeled a kebab vendor a “Nazi remnant” for allegedly skimping on the president’s yogurt sauce. Aides to the Turkish leader quickly realized that their...

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

A health care plan proposed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has failed to win support among the Syrian people, putting in jeopardy his promise to repeal and replace ‘Assadcare.’ The long-awaited proposal, officially called the ‘Sharia Protection and Islamic Care Act’ but commonly referred to as ISISCare, is just two sentences long. “If any citizen is to become sick and require medical treatment, then it is the will of Allah for them to die,” the legislation states. “They are...

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for more than 20 years,” a Taliban spokesman said. “In fact, we take the ‘Day Without a Woman’ initiative so seriously...

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Saying that he was a bit embarrassed that it has taken him nearly 14 years to undermine the democratic institutions in his own country, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted he is overwhelmed with jealousy over how quickly US President Donald Trump has steamrolled democracy in his own country. “I thought I was so brilliant, slowly purging the courts and military over the course of a decade before cracking down on critical press and then, finally, changing the constitution to...

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was just some of the guys breaking the monotony of a quiet midweek evening. You’d be surprised how many of those...

RT Named News Channel of the Year

RT Named News Channel of the Year

There was controversy in Tel Aviv last night after the Israeli Association for the Televisual Arts named Russian-funded RT as ‘International News Channel of the Year’ at its annual awards. The judging panel cited RT’s speedy reporting of the news and willingness to not let the truth get in the way of a good story as major factors in the unanimous decision. “Of course if you know what your story is going to be in advance you can beat the...

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

After years of promising to unite the Muslim world in an Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted this week that he had no idea how difficult establishing and maintaining a utopian civilization based on the model of Muhammed and his rightly-guided successors would be. “Now, I have to tell you, running a state based on the guidance of a 1,500-year-old text is really, really tough,” al-Baghdadi said. “It’s an unbelievably complex subject,” he added....

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys. “It was...