In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In a move both sides say will bolster their political roster, the US has traded President Donald Trump to Iran for President Hassan Rouhani and cash considerations just before Monday’s trade deadline. Iran will also receive a politician to be named later. Sources familiar with the deal told The Mideast Beast that the trade made sense for both sides. While Iran gets the erratic, bombastic megalomaniac it has been missing since former president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s retirement, America managed to add...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and their lap dog the little Satan. And you can’t keep straight whether the little Satan is Israel this week or...

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

After nearly 20 years of releasing the same anodyne statements regarding violence between Israelis and Palestinians, calling for “calm” and “restraint on both sides”, the European Union diplomatic offices are facing a potentially embarrassing situation. Officials have been scrambling to explain themselves after it was discovered early last week that the role of spokesperson to the European Union Delegation to Israel had been filled by a combination copy/fax machine manufactured in 1994. EU officials claim to have been unaware of...

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

As tensions rise in Jerusalem over Israel’s decision to increase security measures at the Temple Mount, one of Islam’s most sacred places, Prophet Muhammed breaks His silence as His patience began to wear thin.  It’s been a long time since anyone has heard from the Prophet, and the leader of Islam hopes that every one of his followers will take heed and listen. “I do not want weapons of any kind on, in, or anywhere near the Temple Mount, am...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer donned the enveloping outer garment shortly after leaving the press room for the last time. Challenged by a reporter from The New York Times he commented, “Let’s be honest over the last six months I’ve been forced to say and do some things up at the podium and in the bushes that have, shall we say, not been my finest moments. So, this seems like the right time to make a change and...

Who You Be Calling A Holy Site?

Who You Be Calling A Holy Site?

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast, Molly and Alex explore the controversy of UNESCO’s seemingly innocent task of choosing holy sites. What the f*ck does it matter and who is so damn angry? More importantly, what the hell is UNESCO? It’s time to get educated. You can also listen to it here...

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10 million payout by the Canadian government. “It is only fair that people arrested and imprisoned for their crimes are rewarded...

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

UN Passes Resolution Condemning U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley

Earlier this week, the UN general assembly passed a non-binding resolution condemning US Ambassador Nikki Haley as a “Debbie Downer”. In interviews with The Mideast Beast, several delegations to the United Nations have complained that the new US Ambassador to the UN is really bringing the mood down with all the talk of “being fair to Israel” and “addressing rampant human rights violations in the Middle East” The Syrian Ambassador to the UN explained: “When Samantha Powers first came in,...

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Citing “critical mistakes made in past conflicts,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today his plans to immediately repeal the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and replace it with “Something Great, probably in a couple of years.” Citing the stance taken by President Trump on healthcare reform he commented, “I looked at the performance of the IDF in the 2014 Gaza War,” and it was apparent to me that the whole thing was awful! I mean, we technically beat the shit...

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Responding to reporters regarding his alleged collusion with the Russian government, President Trump responded, “Fake news. All of it. You know these rumors are about as real as the chances of my ceasefire deal in Syria actually working out, right?” A reporter was overheard talking with a colleague, “Wait I’m confused. Okay, so if the Russia collusion isn’t real, the ceasefire isn’t real? But wouldn’t Trump want the ceasefire to work… which means he did collude? We’re screwed either way….”...

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following Trump Jr. Revelation, Elders of Zion Assure Americans They, Not Russia, Behind Election Manipulations

Following  the news that Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer during the 2016 campaign in order to get dirt on Hillary Clinton, The Elders of Zion released a statement today affirming their direct role in shaping the results of the elections. The statement noted that “this whole Russia thing has gotten way out of hand, and we want to assure Americans that the steadying, global hand of world Jewry is still determining your fate – not some corrupt...

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Hoping that their decision would help counter charges of antisemitism, UNESCO voted today in favor of a resolution on the Hale-Bopp Comet that leaves out any mention of its connection to the Heaven’s Gate religious group. The vote comes after the organization passed a similar resolution denying any Jewish connection to the Western Wall and Temple Mount in Israel, as well as labeling Hebron an endangered Palestinian heritage site. “Bibi [Netanyahu, Israel’s Prime Minister] keeps bitching about how we are...

Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel

Jewish Uncle Shocked to Discover That Not Everything Innovative Comes from Israel

Uncle Morty was shocked to discover yesterday that countries other than Israel are responsible for recent technological advances. Uncle Morty, who is well known in the family for espousing common quips about Israel such as, “Israel created Instant Messaging” and “Israel has more Nobel Prizes per Capita than the US” is now trying to cope with his new understanding of the world. “He hasn’t taken the news very well,” commented Aunt Ruth. “He’s spent the last hour locked in the...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Analyst Really Wishes Jared Kushner Would Stop Texting Him Questions All the Time

State Department Near East analyst, Jack Miller, recently entered his own version of hell after Jared Kushner got a hold of his phone number. It all started, at a department briefing for Jared after he was appointed senior advisor to the President and charged with brokering peace between Israelis and Palestinians. After the briefing, Kushner asked Miller for his contact info “in case I have any questions”. That’s when according to Mr. Miller “a non-stop shit storm of questions on...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

UNESCO Passes Another Resolution against Jews, “Just to See If We Could”

“We just wanted to see if we could”, was the explanation given earlier today by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, as it passed yet another resolution claiming a bagel store in West Jerusalem as a Palestinian heritage site. UNESCO has come under heavy fire over the past year for a number of resolutions that deny a historical Jewish connection to parts of the Jewish State, that are about as Jewry as it gets. Last week UNESCO passed...

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

Let’s Pop Saudi’s Ass Pimple

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here This week on The Mideast Beast Podcast you’ll get all the info on Qatar, why they imported 4000 cows (no, it’s not beastility), and why they’re getting the boot from other major players in the Middle East. If you don’t have iTunes, check out our Podcast section on the website.  ...

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ISIS Country Star Sharia Twain to Tour United States

ALABAMA – Sharia Twain, the rapidly emerging Salafi-Jihadi country music queen, has launched her US tour in Birmingham, Alabama. The music star is expected to unveil her new single, “Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Shiites.” Originally from Raqqa, Sharia Twain grew up listening to Tim McGraw and the Dixie Chicks in the days before the establishment of the Islamic State. In an interview, the country music star remarked, “I’ve loved country music but I always knew...