Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or perhaps to get roasted again at the Correspondence Dinner They were thirty minutes into a stilted conversation about how the...

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Following the Turkish referendum, people are now asking the tough question: What’s the worst that could happen? One expert at the Middle East Center for Stupid Questions (who wished to remain anonymous) said “although it looks bad at first, we can’t be sure that the delegation of even more power to a leader who is accused of wanting to turn a large NATO country into a religious Islamic State is necessarily going to be a bad thing”. Others disagree however,...

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

The Mideast Beast has obtained a confidential transcript containing a message from God to an anonymous recipient. The message alludes to His involvement in the ongoing de-democratization processes in Turkey, Israel, and the US. And God said, “People are always saying ‘Ooooh, God created everything’ and shit like that. Well, let me tell you something: I didn’t create democracy, the libtards did. Is there democracy anywhere in the Bible or the Quran? No, just nepotism and me randomly choosing people...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers Saturday, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook on...

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In an outcome that baffled pollsters and experts, Donald Trump has emerged victorious in Turkey’s constitutional referendum this weekend. The victory marked another upset for the American billionaire, as the ballot asked voters simply whether they approve of constitutional changes aimed at giving more power to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. But when all the votes were tallied, Trump had somehow again come away with an unexpected victory. “Nobody believed in us, not the fake news, not the lying New...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just send the SEALS like they used to?” Another clearly shaken al-Qaeda fighter said in an interview, “I admit I signed...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped. Members of the Syrian government who are known Holocaust deniers commended Spicer on this “accurate” depiction of the events of...

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

After days of criticism over his claims that Hitler never used chemical weapons, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been forced to resign and is now replaced by former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Listen, I think Sean’s been doing a wonderful job, but Jared tells me the Jews are very upset at him, so he’s gone,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But we’re bringing in someone terrific.” Though he promised during his campaign to take a hard line against Iran, Trump...

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on Al Jazeera. “If they are going to sacrifice their lives battling the infidels, they shouldn’t have to worry about getting...

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic nuclear program that I’m so proud of, and we have our submarines, we have to talk about the submarines, you...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

Noting that things were so much easier when his BFFs Bashar and Donald got along, Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted that recent tension between two of his closest comrades is beginning to cause him undue stress. “Now whenever I invite Bashar to go shopping or to see a movie, the first thing he says is ‘I’m not going if Donald is going to be there,’” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “It’s like I am being forced to choose between them.”...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the attack that killed over 100 civilians with sarin gas. Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast have shown memos indicating that...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

ISIS Condemns Civilian Casualties in Iraq and Syria as “Too Corporate”

Earlier today an Islamic State spokesperson condemned coalition airstrikes in Iraq and Syria, and the resulting collateral damage as “too corporate”, taking a drag from a hand rolled cigarette and saying, “we turned killing civilians into our own brand before it was cool”. The Islamic State has become notorious for the gruesome ways in which it has killed civilians and prisoners of war, such as when they lit a captured Jordanian pilot on fire and released the video on YouTube....

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner Not Sure What He Did to Deserve This

Jared Kushner has expressed dismay that his father in law, President Trump, insists on sending him to an active war zone whilst Donald Jr. and Eric get to hang out in Dubai Trump properties. During his trip this week to Baghdad Jared commented, “I can’t help but feel that I’m being treated like a second-class citizen, Hispanic if you will. And I don’t like it. The President’s sons are busy bringing back 1980s power business dressing across the Gulf, whilst...