Pope Francis Trolls Trump Again, “One-State World”

Pope Francis Trolls Trump Again, “One-State World”

Pope Francis is known for trolling world leaders through piety but without naming names in God’s name. Today, as he washed the feet of the orphan refugees with blessed bottles of San Pellegrino Sparkling at the Holy Divinity Orphanage and Wine Tour in Rome, he was asked about Trump’s suggestion of a one-state solution in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Rather than go back to a war over borders, perhaps the entire world should become one-state,” he remarked. “For all mankind lives...

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

ISIS Invites Milo Yiannopoulos to Host Quran Reading

In a decision sure to cause devastation across the US, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS announced that it has invited controversial former Breitbart senior editor Milo Yiannopoulos as a guest host for its annual Quran reading next month. “While we do not agree with all of Mr. Yiannopoulos’s views – hell, the only thing we agree with him on is pedophilia – we have invited him to highlight the importance of free speech,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi noted. “Ah,...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents may be confusing this with the normal Sunday afternoon rush to get reasonably priced homeware bargains. President Trump has directed...

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Trump to Build ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel’ on Site of Temple Mount

Calling it a perfect solution to longstanding tension over the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, President Trump has proposed a plan to raze the entire site and replace it with the ‘Third Temple Trump Hotel and Mosque.’ Trump unveiled his plans days after meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. After considering how to accommodate Jewish access to the site of the First and Second Temples and Muslim access to the Al Aqsa Mosque, Trump said he believed the best solution...

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian President to be Roasted at White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, has accepted an invitation to be the guest of honor at this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of his audience so he’ll be limiting the Zionist jibes and will only be telling one holocaust joke. But that will be the...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Germany Staffs Refugees in Undesirable Jobs like Border Police

Germany Staffs Refugees in Undesirable Jobs like Border Police

A torrent of refugees is threatening to deluge Europe like a flood of overused metaphors in a news article, and European countries are struggling for ideas to cope with the surge. Some countries, led by the innovative Germans, are coming up with creative solutions. “We had planned to close our borders with Austria,” said interior minister Thomas de Maiziere, “but we discovered that German people don’t want the unpleasant duty of guarding a train track and beating back refugees with...

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

ISIS leaders have been taking meetings in the contemporary art scene to raise money for future fighting in Mosul. Citing religious purposes, the group is known to destroy ancient art and ruins with sledgehammers, bombs and permanent markers to erase the rich cultural history of the region. But now, facing a stronger Iraqi/US front, the group has no choice but to change strategy. Led by Kata’ib Taswiyya, the group traditionally in charge of demolishing cultural targets, ISIS has started producing sculptural...

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

UK Government to Ban All Communication in Order to Combat Extremism

UK Government to Ban All Communication in Order to Combat Extremism

LONDON — Following the historical Brexit referendum and the appointment of the new British Prime Minister, Theresa May, The Mideast Beast has learnt that the UK Government is planning legislation to stop people communicating, in a radical step to ‎combat the Islamist threat. One commentator stated; “I’m not saying Mrs. May is ‘authoritarian’, but I understand that Benjamin Netanyahu has her photo up as his personal screen saver.” The planned law comes after a damming report from Parliament’s Intelligence and...

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Ghosts of Gaddafi, Hussein and Khomeini Commend Trump Press Conference

Speaking from the afterlife the three, all well-known for their sometimes ‘eccentric’ public performances, confirmed that yesterday’s effort was by far the most “bat shit crazy” thing they had ever witnessed. Former Libyan president Gaddafi commented, “A lot of people said I was a ‘bit out there’ when I listed the great prophets as Mohammed, Jesus and myself. But on the other hand, I never believed that my good TV ratings made me a ‘good person.’ I mean I wasn’t...

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

Last week, the White House blamed the media for underreporting terrorist activity. While many of the attacks on the list were covered by the media, some, like the Bowling Green and Atlantis attacks came from a list reportedly provided by ISIS. Per a staffer who works close to the president, Trump was furious that his team continued to cite attacks that did not happen and demanded that they find the source of the continued misinformation. In a press briefing today, Sean...

President Trump to Netanyahu, “Does Putin Talk about Me?”

President Trump to Netanyahu, “Does Putin Talk about Me?”

Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast regarding the initial meeting between Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and President Donald Trump reveal a productive conversation. The two leaders discussed a range of topics including settlements, the moving of the US embassy to Jerusalem, and the threat of Iran. In addition, there was one item that kept coming up in conversation a lot: Putin. President Trump talks about Putin several times, as one excerpt of the transcript shows him asking: “Have you spoken...

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saudi ISIS Members Blast Judge’s Rejection of Muslim Ban

Saying they should not be forced to sit next to Libyans and Yemenis while flying to the US to carry out terror attacks, ISIS members from Saudi Arabia and other countries not included in President Trump’s travel ban, have lashed out against a court ruling striking down the restrictions. “The travel ban was a sensible measure to ensure that terrorists like myself do not have to compete with smelly Libyans or Iranian infidels for cheap air tickets while traveling to...

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Netanyahu and Trump Have Most Uncomfortable Valentine’s Day on Record

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has admitted to aides that he now regrets arriving in Washington during Valentine’s Day celebrations. An anonymous source stated, “The Prime Minister assumed he would be having a hotel room that provided Netflix so he could just have a chill evening, as the President would be with Melania. However, ten minutes into Love Actually he received an invitation to the White House.” “An hour later he’s sitting in the President’s Dining Room enjoying a steak dinner...

Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Regional experts have confirmed that President Trump’s son-in-law is by far the best person to solve the myriad of interlocking and long-standing challenges in the Middle East, if every other possible candidate has been ruled out first. Owen Adams of the Institute of Bastard Problems That Just Won’t Go Away stated, “Yeah sure why not Mr. Kushner. I guess Juan Manuel Santos just wanted to keep on being President of Colombia after negotiating a peace deal with the FARC. And former...

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Saying that the fight against radical Islamic terrorism could wait until more important matters are resolved, President Trump has called on Russian President Vladimir Putin to turn back fighter jets headed to Syria and redirect them to target Nordstrom locations throughout the US. Trump’s request came after Nordstrom dropped the apparel brand of the president’s daughter, Ivanka, after anti-Trump activists called for boycotts of companies carrying the brand. “Listen, we will deal with ISIS, believe me. They are some bad...

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down the middle, stated: “Ideology should not divide us”. The European Union on Monday also condemned Russia’s air campaign in Syria,...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...