Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Facebook Commenter Finally Thinks of Perfect Response to Thread from 2014 Gaza War

Sam Schwartzman, a Jewish Long Island resident, announced today that he has finally thought of the perfect response to a July 2014 Facebook comment criticizing Israel for its actions during that summer’s war in Gaza. The comment, posted by 31-year-old poet and waiter Rob Erikson, was the 132nd in a long series of comments responding to a Wall Street Journal editorial a mutual friend had posted defending Israel’s actions during the war. The thread quickly turned into a vicious argument...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than British Opposition Leader, Jeremy Corbyn and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Egyptian security forces are taking out their frustrations on Mexican tourists. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some old socialist to...

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Everyone Excited to See Americans Back in the Mideast

Mideast leaders have today breathed a collective sigh of relief on knowing that the Yanks are back! Yes, just when you thought you would all have to sort your own shit out through “diplomacy”, the good ol’ U.S. of A is taking things back ‘old school’ with some 21,000 pound negotiating, as well as re-re-re-training the Iraqi Army, and like four or five Syrian rebels. David Itay, Professor of International Dabbling and Meddling at the University of Tel Aviv was thrilled, “we’ve all...

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Turkey, Iran to Provide Food and Water to White House

Saying that it feared its diplomatic isolation could lead to humanitarian crisis, the White House announced that it has accepted food and water deliveries from Iran and Turkey. The move comes after nearly all the administration’s Washington, D.C. neighbors cut off diplomatic relations with the White House following allegations by former FBI director James Comey that the country’s leader had obstructed justice. The moves came as a shock to White House officials. “We really don’t get why nobody likes us...

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Messianic Jews Thank Trump for Bringing Us Closer to the ‘End of Days’

Prompted by the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accords several Messianic Jews have thanked Trump for partaking in what they called “the promotion of the destruction of planet Earth, thus bringing us ever closer to the biblically prophesied ‘End of Days’.” “We firmly believe that covfefe is code for covenant, and that Donald Trump is in fact a modern-day prophet,” they stated. “It is now clear to us that using global warming to invoke an apocalypse is a much...

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic Terror Organizations Condemn US for Withdrawing from Paris Climate Agreement

Islamic State, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, and other Islamic terror organizations are growing increasingly concerned that due to Global Warming, there might not be anyone left to kill. In a rare joint statement they condemned the Trump Administration for withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement saying “If Climate Change is allowed to continue, there won’t be anyone left for us to kill”. An Al-Qaeda spokesperson stated, “We got kind of nervous when that GOP health care bill passed the House, but thought ‘OK,...

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

ISIS Mistakenly Takes Responsibility for Decapitating Trump

In a huge faux pas, ISIS mistakenly took responsibility for decapitating President Trump and is now seeking revenge after finding out the photo of Kathy Griffin holding up a bloody Trump head wasn’t real. Unfortunately for Griffin her greatest fear is no longer that her dying career is finally over, as she has now officially been targeted by ISIS. There has been no word from Griffin, who was unconvincingly devastated by the onslaught of backlash from the President – who...

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

ISIS to Join Paris Climate Accord

Saying that that he looked forward to a future in which his children could live in a global Caliphate without the fear of rising oceans, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that his country has replaced the US in the Paris Climate Agreement. “We believe that future generations should live in a world without infidels – and with polar bears,” al-Baghdadi said at a press conference announcing ISIS’s entry into the deal. “I am committed to reducing our carbon footprint...

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

Trump Furious at His Low Ranking in Threat to World Peace

WASHINGTON D.C. — Donald Trump has reacted with fury at being rated as an equal threat to world peace as the rise of jihadi terrorism, in an Economist Intelligence Unit report. In a statement to the press he said; “I’ve always been a winner, just like America, and I won’t accept equal place with a bunch of guys that frankly I couldn’t even point to on a map. And I refuse to learn more, because learning is for losers.” He...

Following Trump’s Withdrawal from Paris Agreement, ISIS Vows to Blow Up Thousands of Cars in the US

Following Trump’s Withdrawal from Paris Agreement, ISIS Vows to Blow Up Thousands of Cars in the US

Following Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States will back out of the Paris Climate Agreement, the Islamic State released a statement saying that it plans to blow up thousands of cars in the US to halt carbon emissions. The statement noted that withdrawing from the agreement which nearly 200 countries signed onto was a blow to both the US and the environment. It stated that if America would not cut emissions then someone would “just have to do it...

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

Syrian Civilians to Trump: “Civil War Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be”

ALEPPO, SYRIA — Following attempts to introduce a Muslim ban, then to repeal and replace Obamacare, followed by a rocky visit with NATO countries, and topping things off with Trump officially announcing America’s withdrawal from the Paris Agreement on climate change, residents of Aleppo, Syria have suggested to President Donald Trump that civil wars are not nearly as good an idea as he seems to think. “Hey look, I was never a fan of Hillary,” said Dr. Ahmed during a hasty cigarette break between his job...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Pulls Support for ‘O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center’

UN Secretary-General António Guterres has once again dissociated his organization from a controversial Palestinian women’s center, after Palestinian officials changed the facility’s name to the “Martyr O.J. Simpson Palestinian Women’s Center.” The center’s new name caused embarrassment for both the UN and for Norway’s foreign ministry, which had sponsored the project. The controversy comes a week after the Palestinian Authority named another center after Dalal Mughrabi, who killed 38 Israeli civilians, including 13 children, in a 1978 terror attack. “At...

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

Trump Reverses Muslim Ban After Falafel Shortage Rocks US

President Trump reversed an executive order banning immigrants and visa holders from seven Muslim countries Sunday after a nation-wide falafel shortage brought protestors to the streets in several major cities. Just hours after the ban went into place, long lines had formed outside falafel shops across the country, as beleaguered halal vendors struggled to meet the demand for the deep-fried chickpea street food. By Saturday night, Americans from across the political spectrum had taken to the streets in anger after...

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

New Intelligence: Thoughts and Prayers Not as Effective as Once Thought

Internal documents recovered by U.S. Special Forces in Syria revealed that “thoughts and prayers” are not as effective against ISIS as once thought. The documents recovered have revealed that typing a status on Facebook and even to your 100 Twitter followers has not had the desired effect of deterring future attacks, nor have calls by celebrities for co-existence have had much impact changing terrorists’ minds. Posting the “co-exist” photo on Instagram has also been proven to be equally ineffective in combating...

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Turkish President Hires Greg Gianforte as Press Secretary

Republican Greg Gianforte has turned down a seat as Montana’s lone congressman, announcing Friday that he will instead accept a position as Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s press secretary and head of security. “I am greatly honored that the voters of Montana have elected me after my body-slam of a Guardian reporter,” Gianforte said in a statement released Friday morning. “However, the backlash following my heroic actions prove that assaulting innocent Americans is only truly tolerated if you work for...

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more and more. She’s going to solve this conflict so fast it’ll make your head spin.” “And let me tell you,...

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un: ‘Who Do I Have to Kill to Get Some Attention Around Here?’

Kim Jong-un was reportedly dismayed this week when his successful ballistic missile tests failed to garner the international attention that he expected after being overtaken by Trump’s visit to the Middle East. The official news source of the People’s Democratic-nothing-to-see-here- everything-is-super-good-Republic of North Korea released a statement from the leader demanding: “Who the fuck do I have to kill to get some attention around here?” Even a few months ago a successful ballistic missile test by the hermit kingdom would...