Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

‘ISISCare’ Fails to Win Support in Syria

A health care plan proposed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has failed to win support among the Syrian people, putting in jeopardy his promise to repeal and replace ‘Assadcare.’ The long-awaited proposal, officially called the ‘Sharia Protection and Islamic Care Act’ but commonly referred to as ISISCare, is just two sentences long. “If any citizen is to become sick and require medical treatment, then it is the will of Allah for them to die,” the legislation states. “They are...

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

Taliban on A Day Without a Woman: ‘We’re Way Ahead of You’

The ‘A Day Without a Woman’ movement gained an unlikely supporter this week, as the Taliban praised the initiative to keep women from going to work in support for gender equality. “While women in the US are finally skipping work in order to protest the patriarchy, we have been vigilantly enforcing the ‘Day Without a Woman’ cause every day for more than 20 years,” a Taliban spokesman said. “In fact, we take the ‘Day Without a Woman’ initiative so seriously...

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Turkish President Erdogan Asks Trump for Tips on Destroying Democracy

Saying that he was a bit embarrassed that it has taken him nearly 14 years to undermine the democratic institutions in his own country, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted he is overwhelmed with jealousy over how quickly US President Donald Trump has steamrolled democracy in his own country. “I thought I was so brilliant, slowly purging the courts and military over the course of a decade before cracking down on critical press and then, finally, changing the constitution to...

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Mossad Admits to Wiretapping Trump “For Giggles”

Israel’s national intelligence agency, Mossad, has admitted they were behind the wiretapping of the Trump presidential team, but stressed that they were only doing it “for shits and giggles”. Speaking anonymously, a spokesman for the agency commented, “Hands up yes it was us, not Obama. That guy is way too straight-laced for this. But I want to stress it was just some of the guys breaking the monotony of a quiet midweek evening. You’d be surprised how many of those...

RT Named News Channel of the Year

RT Named News Channel of the Year

There was controversy in Tel Aviv last night after the Israeli Association for the Televisual Arts named Russian-funded RT as ‘International News Channel of the Year’ at its annual awards. The judging panel cited RT’s speedy reporting of the news and willingness to not let the truth get in the way of a good story as major factors in the unanimous decision. “Of course if you know what your story is going to be in advance you can beat the...

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’

After years of promising to unite the Muslim world in an Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted this week that he had no idea how difficult establishing and maintaining a utopian civilization based on the model of Muhammed and his rightly-guided successors would be. “Now, I have to tell you, running a state based on the guidance of a 1,500-year-old text is really, really tough,” al-Baghdadi said. “It’s an unbelievably complex subject,” he added....

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys. “It was...

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very impressed by the way they lost. We lose all the time, like right now in Mosul. It’s not going well,...

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

White House Correspondents’ Dinner ‘Finds Better President as Guest’

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner committee has decided on a fresh approach following President Trump’s decision to not attend this year. They extended an invitation to Iranian leader, Hassan Rouhani, the self-proclaimed ‘longtime fan of the New York Times’, and he has accepted. His spokesmen commented, “The President was deeply honored by the invitation and is already hard at work on his speech, which I can assure you is going to be full of ‘zingers’. He recognizes the religious leanings of...

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belong to Scientologists,...

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

California to Create New Country: Safespaceistan

Efforts by the residents of California to secede from the US haven’t yet received sufficient support to be realized. Consequently, a revolutionary group of Californian millennials have decided to found their own country in unpopulated territory in Oman, near the Yemeni border. The country, Safespaceistan, will serve as a safe space for those Americans who feel overwhelmed by the prospect of life with Trump as president. The mastermind behind the initiative, an anonymous UCLA student, said the following: “As a...

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

A researcher at the Tel Aviv Institute of Technology has released the results of a 50-year study on the best methods to occupy territory. Dr. Sara Berg measured total land occupation held before and after an individual’s death. Samples came from a group of 400 male and 243 female subjects. The subjects were further separated into categories and asked to fill out a survey on a biannual basis. For example, one tall, graduate, female, Jewish, and alive subject, occupied an...

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve won the lottery.” He continued, “Cutting down all those trees would have taken me days if not weeks.” However, when being...

Gulf State Arabs Unimpressed by Israeli “Corruption”

Gulf State Arabs Unimpressed by Israeli “Corruption”

A survey conducted by The Mideast Beast of Arabs living in the Gulf states has revealed that they are not impressed by what passes for corruption in Israel. This follows ongoing (and ongoing, and ongoing) investigations into allegations of corruption on the part of Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. While the charges are deemed scandalous in Israel, neighboring countries and their citizens simply aren’t impressed. When asked about the corruption charges, alleging gifts amounting to hundreds of thousand dollars, one...

Google’s ‘Driverless Car’ Launches in Saudi Arabia

Google’s ‘Driverless Car’ Launches in Saudi Arabia

Google announced this week that it had chosen Saudi Arabia as the ‘perfect’ launch country for Google Car, also known as ‘Waymo’, the latest product from the high tech firm. At a pre-launch event, Head of Markets, Mike E Moist, stated, “Saudi Arabia is the perfect market for Google’s driverless car. We know that Saudis love mobile technology and there are a high number of non drivers in the country that could easily be converted to buying a Google Car.”...

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

Palestinians Call for One-State Solution to US-Mexico Dispute

In a rejection of more than two decades of Palestinian foreign policy, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said it might be time for the US and Mexico to give up on their attempt at a two-state solution. “Listen, we’ve tried having separate states on each side of the Rio Grande, and we ended up with one side sending all its rapists over, and the other side trying to build a wall,” Abbas said during a joint press conference with Mexican President...

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

The Iraqi government released a statement earlier today, in solidarity with the Swedish people after they were targeted by President Trump with a false terrorist attack this past weekend. Swedish citizens were shocked to their very cores to find themselves under retroactive assault Friday night after the President referenced “what happened last night in Sweden” at his Florida rally. The Iraqi statement read in part, “We wish to extend our full support to our Swedish brothers and sisters at this difficult...