Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Israel Searching for Tiny Chair for Erdogan

Pulling a page out of its diplomatic playbook, Israel’s foreign ministry plans to respond to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s diatribe against the country by forcing the Turkish leader to sit in a tiny chair during his next visit. Officials pointed to the success of a similar measure in 2010, when then-deputy foreign minister Danny Ayalon forced the Turkish ambassador to sit in a low chair in response to a negative portrayal of Israel on Turkish television. The move was...

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

“Operation Palestone”: IDF to Hand out Free Joints to Would-Be Stabbers

RAMALLAH – Vowing to “cannabize counter-terrorism efforts,” the Israel Defense Forces unveiled a highly unorthodox policy today to combat a spate of attacks against its soldiers and civilians. “Every morning, free marijuana joints will be distributed to Palestinians under the age of 30,” said Maj. Gen. Nisan Ya’alon of the IDF Central Command. “By blunting their rage with drug-induced bliss, we aim to prevent them from perpetrating future terror attacks,” Ya’alon said, referring to stabbings and car-rammings carried out by mainly young...

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

Secret Police Across the Middle East Hold Solidarity Rally for Comey

In emotional scenes across the Middle East, secret police members came together to support ousted FBI director, and part-time Trump election campaign-enhancer, James B. Comey. In Cairo, one protestor commented, “We’re just here to show solidarity with one of our own. Egypt might have its problems, but we know that if we help keep President el-Sisi in power we can expect nice uniforms, fat pensions, and all the tear gas we could ever use. Loyalty is a two-way street.” The...

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi called today for an immediate and indefinite suspension of hostilities against the US and American targets, commenting “there’s no need for us to kill Americans if they can do it better themselves.” “Our goal is to kill and wound as many of the Great Satan’s people as we can,” stated al-Baghdadi. “As we were planning our next attack, we learned that the US House passed the AHCA. Once we read the bill, we had a...

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Marwan Barghouti Announces ‘Gluten Strike’ Until Demands Met

Backing away from his previous full hunger strike, former Palestinian militant leader Marwan Barghouti has vowed to maintain a completely gluten-free diet until his demands are met. “Until me and my fellow prisoners are either released or given a fair trial, I will abstain from eating any food or beverage products containing gluten,” Barghouti told The Mideast Beast. “If my suffering does not spur the Israeli people to demand justice, then nothing will.” Barghouti, jailed for his role during the Second...

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi Royals on Recent U.S. Health Care Bill: ‘Well Played, Trump. Well Played.’

Saudi royals have tipped their hats to President Trump following the vote to repeal and replace Obamacare. Their spokesman commented, “Trump may be onto something. Honestly, we’ve always gone for the short-term solution in treating our citizens like shit, such as beheadings every Friday afternoon in Chop-Chop Square. And while we’re way ahead of ISIS in melon-slicing, it’s definitely not a long-term solution to hurting our own people. Now, take away our universal health care system and the long-term results are bound...

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

Trump Blasts Malala, Saying He Prefers Nobel Peace Laureates ‘Who Didn’t Get Shot in the Head’

President Donald Trump lashed out at Nobel laureate Malala Yousafzai, responding to criticism from the 18-year-old Pakistani by claiming that “a real hero would have never gotten shot in the first place.” “I mean, everyone goes on about how, ‘Oh, she’s soooo brave, and so courageous,’ just because she got shot in the face. I mean, how brave do you need to be to get shot in the face? It’s not like she caught the bullet in her teeth –...

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Trump Considering Dye Job After Bibi’s Success

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has shocked the world by dying his hair to one of the other 50 shades of gray, and it has apparently sent his approval ratings through the roof – especially with sexually deprived housewives.  An avid Bibi hater admitted, “I ran into this nice guy, who was really smart and had great ideas about the future of Israel… I didn’t even recognize that it was the same guy that I have despised and ridiculed...

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

World Wakes to Shocking News: ‘Not Everything is About Israel’

Citizens around the world, especially Israelis, are waking up this morning to the shocking news that not everything going on in the world involves and revolves around Israel. International developments for which Israelis have no involvement include: Accelerating spread of Ebola through West Africa and other parts of the world. This apparently was not caused by a dropped test tube in a secret chemical warfare lab in the Negev desert. Gun violence in America is not instigated by Mossad black operations units working alongside special...

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

Trump Offers Wall Around Syrian Safe Areas

President Trump has suggested to his Russian comrade that a beautiful big wall would really be the best way to the ensure the proposed safe areas in Syria are really secure. A spokesman for the US president commented, “This proposal demonstrates how President Trump continues to think outside the box on issues concerning international relations. As everyone knows, contrary to the FAKE MEDIA, the border wall with Mexico is right on track. In fact, we think we can get it done...

Lack of Baguettes Upset French ISIS Fighters

Lack of Baguettes Upset French ISIS Fighters

French Islamic converts that have travelled to the Middle East to fight for ISIS have admitted to making ‘a bit of a mistake’ according to documents released by the French Intelligence Services. “We’ve come to the region to fight for the Caliphate, but when you can’t find a charger for your iPod to make sure you’ve got some banging tunes to charge into battle with what’s the point?”, one recruit told The Mideast Beast. Another convert complained about inhumane treatment in...

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

New Hamas Charter Just the Lyrics to “Imagine”

A Hamas spokesman has confirmed that the organization’s latest policy document will consist solely of the lyrics of the 1971 John Lennon smash hit “Imagine.” Fawzi Barhoum commented, “We recognize that our original 1988 Charter has put a lot of people off. For a long time, we thought it was just annoying to the Jews that we wanted to drive them all into the sea. But apparently, that kind of thinking was not ‘groovy’, and we accept that now.” “And...

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

Israeli Officials Recommend Skipping 69th Independence Day Celebrations to Avoid STD Outbreak

The Israeli Ministry of Health has made a recommendation that Israel skips its 69th birthday and move directly to its 70th. The proposal came about after an innocent Google search revealed that the number ‘69’ has sexual connotations. “I searched ‘how to properly celebrate 69’ on Google to get some ideas for Independence Day and I was shocked, and aroused, by some of the images that appeared,” explained Culture Minister Miri Regev. “After engaging in some personal field research, I realized how...

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

In Exclusive 69th Birthday Interview, Israel Says, “I’m Ready to Expand a Bit.”

Today is Israel’s 69th birthday and apparently he’s grown tired of his size and he’s looking to stretch his legs a bit. At least that’s what the Zionist stud told The Mideast Beast when he caught up with him for a quick interview. “Let’s be honest, I didn’t ask for this God-given role. Yet here I am, over 3,000 years later, still a hoppin’ A-list superstar. Even the haters can’t stop talking. But look at me; I’m a midget! Sorry, ‘Person of Short...

Israelis and Palestinians Draw Up Bullet Points and Colored Pictures for Trump

Israelis and Palestinians Draw Up Bullet Points and Colored Pictures for Trump

Following Trump’s remark that there is “no reason whatsoever” for the lack of peace between the two sides, Israelis and Palestinians have formed informal groups to provide President Trump with bullet points and colored pictures of reasons why. The meetings have occurred across the region and have been surprisingly cordial. One Israeli participant commented, “Clearly Jared has not yet had the chance to report back to his father-in-law on some potential issues. So, in the interests of full transparency, we’ve drawn...

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger Strike

In a move widely condemned as cruel and unusual punishment, Israel has announced that it will begin force-feeding Palestinian prisoners on hunger strike by employing Jewish grandmothers to guilt them into eating. “Security prisoners are interested in turning a hunger strike into a new type of suicide terrorist attack through which they will threaten the State of Israel,” Public Security Minister Gilad Erdan told The Mideast Beast. “We have no choice but to unleash our own form of terror.” Prisoners...

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

ISIS to Sell Soiled Jeans to Nordstrom

The Islamic State has finally come up with a solution to its financial problems, as the department store Nordstrom has agreed to pay hundreds of dollars per item for pairs of soiled jeans worn by the group’s fighters. “After we lost our access to oil and ran out of priceless art to sell, we were so broke we thought we might have to shut down shop,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted. “But then we saw that those infidels at...

Netanyahu: “Germany Talking to Human Rights Groups is the Worst Thing They’ve Ever Done”

Netanyahu: “Germany Talking to Human Rights Groups is the Worst Thing They’ve Ever Done”

Following his decision to cancel a meeting with the German Foreign Minister, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is spending the day trying to think of things that Germany may have done in the past that is anyway near as bad as talking to the groups Breaking the Silence and B’Tselem. One of his spokesmen commented, “He’s used up three entire legal pads already, just full of doodles and crossed out stuff. Frankly, he seems to have had a complete brain...

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Iraq Voted onto UN Women’s Council, Saudi Arabia Shocked

Saudi Arabia, recently elected to represent women on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women, is apparently shocked that Iraq, a country where women’s rights are declining rapidly, would be included.  A Saudi leader commented, “I mean, I understand why we were elected to join, but Iraq!?!?” “We aren’t really sure how our country was elected, it’s definitely not something we support… women’s rights that is.  We’re pretty much the wife beater of the Middle East. But at...