Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your balls hairy, so be proud of them – or lose them!” he declared to thunderous applause. As such, spot checks...

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

A researcher at the Tel Aviv Institute of Technology has released the results of a 50-year study on the best methods to occupy territory. Dr. Sara Berg measured total land occupation held before and after an individual’s death. Samples came from a group of 400 male and 243 female subjects. The subjects were further separated into categories and asked to fill out a survey on a biannual basis. For example, one tall, graduate, female, Jewish, and alive subject, occupied an...

‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural ‘Palestoned Cup’

‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural ‘Palestoned Cup’

EAST JERUSALEM – In the wake of President Abbas’ shock executive order legalizing cannabis earlier this year, the Palestinian Authority held its inaugural National Cannabis Awards last night, honoring a range of stellar strains developed by a vanguard of patriotic potpreneaurs. Dubbed the ‘Palestoned Cup’ by promoters, a packed Faisal Al-Husseini International Stadium erupted in applause when the judges crowned Couch Jihadi the State of Palestine’s Cannabis Strain of the Year. “Expect a mind-blowing high from this neuro-terroristic hashish strain,...

God Drops 11th Commandment: Chill Out

God Drops 11th Commandment: Chill Out

In a surprise announcement, The Almighty One, Blessed Be He, dropped his new commandment without warning this past Monday morning: “Thou Shalt Chill the Fuck Out”. This is the first commandment that the Chief Shepherd has released in thousands of years but he explained that it has been in the works for some time. When asked what inspired him to make an 11th commandment he pointed out that it became clear that the first Ten weren’t really cutting it anymore, ...

The Burkini’s Back, Bitches!

The Burkini’s Back, Bitches!

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode of the The Mideast Beast Podcast: What’s actually offensive these days? Burkinis, speedos, terrorism, or Trump’s White House roulette? From sexy to sweary, and of course a little bit of gay in Jerusalem (that’s inclusion for you), hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles are beasting it up when it comes to the Middle East in all her glory....

Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field

Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field

Saying that they were being denied access to a venue of nearly religious significance, fans of the Chicago Cubs have kicked off riots demanding the removal of metal detectors at entrances to Wrigley Field. Though the metal detectors have been in place since the beginning of the 2016 season, they were relatively uncontroversial until recent months, when Jerusalem saw riots over the installation of metal detectors at the Al-Aqsa Mosque. “Until the uprising in Jerusalem, I had no idea metal...

Report: Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Breast Reduction Surgery

Report: Hezbollah Leader Undergoes Breast Reduction Surgery

BEIRUT – Hassan Nasrallah, the leader of Lebanon’s Shiite militant group Hezbollah, is reportedly recovering from radical breast reduction surgery in a secret bunker in the country’s Beqaa Valley. The reduction mammoplasty was performed by Swiss cosmetic surgeons clandestinely flown in to conduct the operation, according to a disgruntled member of Hezbollah’s leadership, who spoke with The Mideast Beast on condition of anonymity. Over 30 kilograms of breast tissue were excised from his tits during the four-hour surgery, which was then fed...

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

Saudi Arabia Planning Least Exciting Resort Ever

The Saudi Arabian government has admitted to being disappointed at the public reaction to its plans for a new tourist resort on islands in the Red Sea. One blogger commented, “So what you’re saying is it will be like lying on a beach in Dubai but without the two-for-one cocktail hour. Or like lying on the beach in Tel Aviv but with all the girls covered in black sheets. You’re not really selling this to me.” Another said, “I appreciate...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

Scaramucci Sent to Defuse al-Aqsa Situation

Scaramucci Sent to Defuse al-Aqsa Situation

Jerusalem – Former White House Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci’s, colorful use of language is set to be further utilized by President Donald Trump , with his announcement that he sending  ‘The Mooch’ to diffuse tensions over the al-Aqsa Mosque. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee announced, “The President believes we need a new face on the ground in Jerusalem to diffuse the Israeli Palestinian tension over the al-Aqsa mosque. And, no this has absolutely nothing to do with Mr. Scaramucci...

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western public with misnomers like that. Personally, I’m a sucker for Operation Wrath of God. Now that was a classic.” Khaled...

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male swimsuit, framing the so-called ‘budgie smuggler scourge’ as a public safety crisis: “These obscene bathers are in fact evil terrorists...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

Gloves that Don’t Fit and Metal Detectors that Don’t Quit

Gloves that Don’t Fit and Metal Detectors that Don’t Quit

The Mideast Beast podcasts are now available on iTunes for free! Subscribe now! Be sure to subscribe for free here On this episode, No. 8: Is there a link between OJ Simpson and the Middle East peace process? Leave it to hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles to make that leap as they discuss renewed tensions, terror, and moral high ground. Spoiler alert: Molly has a hardcore rant (that’s also weirdly inappropriate).   You can also listen to it here...

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of the faithful are eager to martyr themselves to defeat the unbelievers, they cannot enter the kingdom of Allah without first...

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

The 98-2 United States Senate vote to impose new sanctions on Iran has confirmed once and for all that Middle Eastern international relations is tons easier than health care. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented earlier today, “Many people have suggested that on health care reform we choked bigger than the Boston Red Sox, but those guys can kiss my throat pouch. As President Trump so wisely tweeted just the other day, health reform is hard. And if the President...

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In a move both sides say will bolster their political roster, the US has traded President Donald Trump to Iran for President Hassan Rouhani and cash considerations just before Monday’s trade deadline. Iran will also receive a politician to be named later. Sources familiar with the deal told The Mideast Beast that the trade made sense for both sides. While Iran gets the erratic, bombastic megalomaniac it has been missing since former president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s retirement, America managed to add...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and their lap dog the little Satan. And you can’t keep straight whether the little Satan is Israel this week or...

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

After nearly 20 years of releasing the same anodyne statements regarding violence between Israelis and Palestinians, calling for “calm” and “restraint on both sides”, the European Union diplomatic offices are facing a potentially embarrassing situation. Officials have been scrambling to explain themselves after it was discovered early last week that the role of spokesperson to the European Union Delegation to Israel had been filled by a combination copy/fax machine manufactured in 1994. EU officials claim to have been unaware of...

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

As tensions rise in Jerusalem over Israel’s decision to increase security measures at the Temple Mount, one of Islam’s most sacred places, Prophet Muhammed breaks His silence as His patience began to wear thin.  It’s been a long time since anyone has heard from the Prophet, and the leader of Islam hopes that every one of his followers will take heed and listen. “I do not want weapons of any kind on, in, or anywhere near the Temple Mount, am...