Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency.

ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract with 72 virgins guaranteed. Hardy was arrested in 2014 after allegedly lifting a woman over his head and throwing her onto a couch covered with loaded assault rifles. ISIS director of personnel Hamin Ranjani presented Hardy at a press conference held in Mosul, Iraq: “Greg embodies the values our organization is built on; wanton aggression, affinity for automatic weaponry and utter disregard for the worth of human lives, particularly women. He is a wonderful team player and a natural fit in our zone blitzing scheme.”

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ISIS has also signed Indianapolis linebacker D’Qwell Jackson who assaulted a pizza delivery driver in a dispute over a parking space. Ranjani again: “Fighting to protect one’s territory is of paramount importance to our Caliphate, Mr. Jackson has excellent instincts. We plan on showing him a picture of a double-parked pizza van in Baghdad and just stepping back to watch the carnage.”