ISIS Leader Alive but in Hiding Because ‘He Got Fat,’ Source Says

Image info for al-Baghdadi from The Independent at http://ind.pn/10Gk0f5 10/11/14

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was not killed in a Russian airstrike, a well-placed source has told The Mideast Beast, but has not appeared in public in recent months because “he got fat.”

“Abu is fine, the bomb missed him,” ISIS chief strategist Sadiq al-Bannon said in a text message. “But he’s been having a little too much shawarma and hasn’t wanted to appear on camera.”

Al-Bannon’s statement immediately drew criticism. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton lashed out at the ISIS advisor for “fat-shaming” the terror group’s leader.

“Al-Baghdadi may be a murderer, rapist, and war criminal, but that does not excuse cheap shots at his physical appearance,” Clinton said. “Abu, you are beautiful just the way you are.”

As of press time, rumors of a coup were circulating after North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un missed a scheduled appearance.