ISIS Ends Jihad Against US: Claims “AHCA More Effective Than Us at Killing Americans”

ISIS leadership called today for an immediate and indefinite suspension of hostilities against the US and American targets, commenting “there’s no need for us to kill Americans if they can do it better themselves.”

“Our goal is to kill and wound as many of the Great Satan’s people as we can,” stated al-Chico. “As we were planning our next attack, we learned that the US House passed the AHCA. Once we read the bill, we had a revelation. Why are we spending so much time and money trying to blow up the infidels? Why don’t we stop what we are doing and just let them kill themselves on their own?”

“I mean, insurance companies being allowed to deny people payment for emergency services,” he continued. “That’s barbaric! Well, we do burn people alive for sport and bury them in mass graves, but at least we pay for prenatal care for the women in our harem.”

“We may even start advertising our form of health care in the US. I bet we could round up a few people looking to come to Iraq for universally covered health care.”