ISIS Declares War on Ebola for Stealing Headlines

Senior ISIS leadership have declared a Fatwa on the terrifying super bug currently crawling out of Africa. The Head of ISIS’ Rage Department declared, “we simply can’t stand by as this media whore of a disease takes all our publicity away. Hello!!!!! Chopping peoples heads off over here!!!! Can I get a witness?”

“We are right up on the border with Turkey, just moments away from dragging a NATO nation into a ground war with us, and still in some papers we are ‘below the fold’ just because a few white people are starting to cough up blood. You want to see blood? I’ve got a video right here.”

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Ebola commented, “I guess I can see why those guys are so upset, but I just want to point out that I have been around for a lot longer than they have, my main man Dustin Hoffman referenced me in Outbreak back in ’95 like a dozen times, love that guy! Love that movie! The monkey was great. Didn’t he go on to star in Friends?”

“I think a lot of the hatred is misplaced. Just because I’m mainly concentrated in Africa doesn’t make me a stooge for the Christian Church. Tell you what, why don’t you get some of your guys to come over here and I’ll get someone to cough all over you. Can’t say fairer than that.”