Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis

Lebanon’s waste management disaster has crippled the Party of God’s ability to function, forcing the militant group to quit the war waging business.

“I was on the rooftop of an underground nightclub, just groovin’ to ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and getting ready to launch a rocket into the living room of a Lebanese member of parliament. All of a sudden, thousands of slimy rats jump on my face. These working conditions are horrible. Think I’ll try beauty school,” complained a Hezbollah assassin by the name of ‘Caitlin X.’

“You try planting a bomb underneath the car of a visiting Swedish diplomat with the stench of death everywhere. This toxic funk’s destroying my eyesight. Last week, I accidentally blew up Nasrallah’s private jet. I’ve given my two-week notice. Gonna join my dad’s real estate development firm. He’s Beirut’s number one slum lord,” added another hitman, known as ‘Dhakir Trump.’

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With Hezbollah closing up shop, the organization’s leader, Hassan Nasrallah, has accepted Old Spice’s offer to be the male grooming products company’s celebrity pitchman.

“Long before the garbage crisis, we turned Lebanon into a shit hole. But we always made sure to leave our scenes of destruction better smelling than how we found them. Hygiene matters: It’s what separates us from the ape…and the Jew,” Nasrallah said.