Israel’s always-agitated and slightly chubby Minister of Parliament, Avigdor Lieberman, today suggested that Israel might best deter Hezbollah and Iran by nuking Des Moines, Iowa. “Look, the best way for a threatened nation to deter its enemies is to have them believe that you’re crazy enough, and I’m talking batshit crazy here, to do anything, and I mean anything.” At this point sweat poured from his brow and his mouth frothed. “So what possibly could show that better than nuking the major cities of one of your closest allies?”
Noted military analyst, S. Plode, was surprised when The Mideast Beast reached out for his response to the Minister’s plan. “You want me to comment on that lunatic’s suggestion? Seriously? Well okay. Its absurd. And if you wanted to accomplish anything, why Des Moines? If it isn’t right before the Iowa caucuses it could be days, even weeks before anybody outside Iowa noticed Des Moines was gone. Choose another city, something at least third tier. Miami? Maybe Pittsburgh? They say Pittsburgh’s nice.”
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At this suggestion, head of the “Jewish Home” political party, Naftalli Bennett, declared that Israel must annex Pittsburgh or surrender its Jewish character, adding: “It is always better to build than to destroy. Meanwhile Tzipi Livni, leader of the centrist Zionist Faction on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and one-weekend-a-month, suggested that ceding Pittsburgh to the Palestinians might be a “necessary sacrifice for achieving a lasting peace.”
As of this publication, Steel City residents seem blissfully unaware of their new status as ‘Ground Zero’ in Israel’s next elections.
