Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels.

“This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next time round I will be tweeting under the hashtag ‘roofknocker4u”

A high-ranking Hamas official agreed. “We’re living in a really exciting time for propaganda…wait, I meant online journalism! Social media makes it possible to instantly disseminate bullshit around the world. Meanwhile, decreasing journalistic standards and budgets combined with a ‘who-the-fuck cares’ attitude at top-tier media outlets such as The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and The Mideast Beast have all but eliminated any sort of fact-checking. It really is a perfect storm.”

The decision to move to a 100% social media war was based on the disappointment both sides felt with the most recent conflict in 2014. “We just felt like we really didn’t get enough ‘likes’,” explained an IDF spokesman. “Under the new strategy, we’re able to garner international support, but not have to go through all of the messiness of actually killing people. But we will still be posting Snapchat videos of old air strikes, for those that just can’t get enough of that stuff.”

“We’re also not above using images and video clips from Iraq, Syria and the Ukraine,” explained another Hamas official. “That stuff is gold,” with one executive from the BBC just nodding in agreement.