Responding to the seemingly endless spate of stabbing attacks carried out by Palestinians in recent months, an Israeli man is pondering when exactly – or even if – the pool of knife-wielding perpetrators will dry up. “They’re really going at this stabbing thing hard,” 45-year-old Yaakov Kahanavitz, a settler from the northern West Bank, told the Mideast Beast. “Like, A...
Israeli police have confirmed that their investigation into a suspected price-fixing scheme by Israeli travel agencies who organize school trips to former Nazi death camps shows that the tragedy of the Holocaust is no reason for some Jews to be massive assholes to each other. As Chief Inspector Yossi Cohen of the Jerusalem Serious Fraud Office told The Mideast Beast: “Basically there are some Jews that are real douche bags…...
Israel’s always-agitated and slightly chubby Minister of Parliament, Avigdor Lieberman, today suggested that Israel might best deter Hezbollah and Iran by nuking Des Moines, Iowa. “Look, the best way for a threatened nation to deter its enemies is to have them believe that you’re crazy enough, and I’m talking batshit crazy here, to do anything, and I mean anything.” At...
In a development sure to enflame tensions between the U.S. and Iran and to embolden critics of the Obama administration, a video released on Iranian State TV Saturday showed 10 captured U.S. sailors forced by their captors to do the “Macarena” on camera. “The Iranians’ humiliating actions show just how much damage this administration has done to our nation’s pride,”...
Torn between focusing their efforts on overthrowing Shia President Bashar al-Assad and fighting the expansion of the Sunni terror group ISIS, U.S. military officials have announced the nation will flip a coin to decide which side it will back in the Syrian civil war. “We kept going back and forth between trying to overthrow Assad and then bombing ISIS, but...
After months of frequent stabbing attacks in Jerusalem and throughout Israel, former Buffalo Bills running back and current guest at the Lovelock Correctional Center, O.J. Simpson announced plans to move to the Jewish state after his prison sentence is up. “I really like how, after a stabbing, everyone just kind of moves on pretty quickly,” Simpson told The Mideast Beast. “They aren’t...
In the wake of North Korea’s claim that it detonated its first hydrogen bomb, Jews around the world are witnessing the inevitable onslaught of friends’ social media posts frantically comparing the events in the isolated Asian dictatorship to the recent nuclear deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran. “Here it comes,” said Benjamin Steinblum, 20, of Long Island, as he...
After controversially awarding its Best Comedy award to The Martian, and Matt Damon “named best actor in a motion picture, comedy or musical”, a grim film about an astronaut stranded on Mars, the Golden Globe Awards have again raised eyebrows by naming the rise of the Islamist militant group ISIS as the “funniest story of 2015.” “I get that ISIS’...
In another embarrassing incident, the American-trained Iraqi army has fled rather than confront an armed enemy. In the army’s latest debacle, Iraqi soldiers failed in an attempt to retake an Oregon wildlife refuge currently occupied by a handful of armed protestors. “I was all gung-ho on taking on the protestors until I saw that some of them had guns and...
JAFFA-TEL AVIV – A Palestinian man working at a construction site in Tel Aviv is questioning why Israelis are so obsessed with animal rights while many of his countrymen languish under occupation. “Pet boutiques with names like ‘Doggy Chic’ and heart-wrenching lost dog signs are everywhere. But where are the posters commemorating Palestinian children shot dead execution-style by IDF soldiers?”...
Jerusalem — World Health Officials (WHO) are calling for an exciting new approach to disease-control by suggesting a tie up with leading social media opinion dividers, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) A spokesmen for the WHO, John Smith, was quoted saying, “seriously, this stuff makes you bleed out of your freaking eyes, just thinking about it wants to make me...
Baghdad — Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi has explained in a BBC interview that his brave boys were simply surprised by the concept that they were supposed to do something with all that Western-supplied shiny equipment and training. “Be reasonable, how were we supposed to know you actually wanted some sort of return on investment?” commented Mr. al-Abadi from his...
The terror group ISIS has claimed responsibility for “wreaking havoc over the skies of the Infidelsphere” after a recent string of severe storms and floods ravaged countries across four continents. Since Christmas, widespread flooding has submerged large parts of the U.S., Britain, South America and Australia, driving hundreds of thousands from their homes. In the U.S. alone, record-breaking floods –...
In a chilling development, the IDF discovered several tunnels into Israel that officials believe originated in the Washington D.C. area. While the purpose of the tunnels is unclear, investigators fear they may have been built by American officials with the intention of infiltrating the country to restart diplomatic negotiations. Israeli officials said they don’t believe any Americans were able to...
From the U.S. Air Force bombarding the capital of ISIS with pleasure toys to Donald Trump’s preference for Nobel Prize winners who “didn’t get shot in the head,” we stopped at nothing to bring you the year’s most cutting ‘news’ stories. And while a full ‘Year in Review’ is not possible since The Mideast Beast (TMB) only blasted onto the scene...
Today, as the threat of violent attacks perpetrated by ISIS-inspired individuals has Western nations increasingly concerned about terror cells and lone wolves, ISIS officials implored their own people take precautions as well. Leaders of the Islamic State have learned that a number of clandestine “liberalized” cells may threaten the society they have worked to hard to build. Officials warn that...
In response to calls for a more aggressive strategy to combat ISIS, President Obama, this week, gathered the courage to send an open letter to Islamic State leaders, demanding an apology for the terror and unrest they have caused. “I, Barack “Yes We Can” Obama, denounce your acts of terror and demand an immediate apology,” the letter read. “We, for...
NACO, AZ – After his recent call to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. led to global outrage and his rumored disinvitation by Israel’s prime minister from a scheduled late-December meeting in the Holy Land, Donald Trump has returned to a more familiar campaign theme. While in Naco, Arizona on his second such campaign trip to the U.S.-Mexico border, the...
It’s now been revealed that the recently brokered ‘historic’ deal, somewhat limiting Iran’s nuclear capability, was in fact a machination brought about by an international Zionist conspiracy. Chief Zionist, Jewdah Cohen-Bergstein, congratulated those who had guessed as much in an interview with The Mideast Beast: ‘We had such fun choosing the location of the conference. Who remains the Zionist poster boy...
After being killed in an apparent Israeli airstrike and his subsequent ascension to terrorist heaven, Hezbollah’s Sami Kuntar has been banned from sitting at Osama bin Laden’s exclusive lunch table, divine sources have revealed. Typically, all high profile anti-Western terrorists are permitted to sit at the table, located near the emergency exit of Islamist paradise’s halal food court. As such,...
