War

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute
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Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”.  Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate...

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write
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Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers....

Comey Not in Syria
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Comey Not in Syria

Reports in from the overnight strikes on Syria have confirmed that James Comey was not hit. The Mideast Beast understands that President Trump authorized the attacks after reading a later-deleted tweet from the Fox and Friends account stating that the former FBI Director would be kicking off his book tour in Damascus. The tweet did not make clear that this...

White Walkers Picket Wall
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White Walkers Picket Wall

The Night’s Watch have been criticised by leading human rights organizations for their attacks on peaceful White Walkers picnicking the Wall.  The Wall is recognized as the border by all nations throughout Westeros, Essos, and Sotheryos, however, it is not recognized by the White Walkers. Senator Bernie Saunders has criticized the Crows’ tactics saying that use of Dragons Glass is disproportional. “The...

Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists
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Trump Asks Israel for Advice on Handling Journalists

Impressed by reports of Israeli snipers gunning down Palestinian journalists, US President Donald Trump has asked Israel’s government for advice on how to deal with hostile media. “When I so much as hint at offing a nosy reporter or point out that CNN is the enemy of the American people, everyone goes through the roof,” Trump told The Mideast Beast....

Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time
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Palestinians Pretty Sure Marching Will Work This Time

Following last week’s “March of Return” in Gaza, Palestinians say they are almost positive that this time marching, burning tires, and throwing rocks will pressure Israel to concede to their demands. One protester explained, “Both my father and grandfather marched and threw rocks before me, and I proudly carry on this 70-year tradition. But, I am happy to say that...

Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect
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Drone Pilots Sue Over Carpal-Tunnel Neglect

The Drone Pilot Lobby has announced that it is initiating a $20 million-dollar lawsuit against the U.S. Department of Defense. The plaintiffs claim that the DoD “failed to adequately address pilots’ suffering arising from carpal tunnel syndrome and hostile environments.” One drone pilot explained, “We’re America’s front-line defense against militant groups like al-Qaeda, ISIS, and suspicious looking weddings. People make fun...

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

IDF Confirms: “We Shoot Kids Just to Keep the Debate Going”

An IDF spokesperson has confirmed that they only use live rounds when they feel things have become a little too comfortable. “We’ve got a friend in the White House who’s one tweet away from leveling Tehran and we’ve ordered all the party food for when they move their embassy to Jerusalem. But to be frank all that good news leaves...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”
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UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins,...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal
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Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran
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Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all...

Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS
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Trump Rushes into Iraq Unarmed, Destroys ISIS

Backing up his claim that he would have stopped the Parkland high school shooter, US President Donald Trump has charged unarmed into Syria and put an end to ISIS, saving countless lives. Calling civilians who fled their homes rather than fight the terror group “disgraceful,” Trump immediately left the Oval Office and boarded a plane for Iraq, parachuting into ISIS’s...

Trump Declares War on Wakanda
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Trump Declares War on Wakanda

President Donald Trump has announced that he plans on “invading and securing Wakanda” in the coming weeks. In a speech, President Trump declared, “Wakanda is part of the global Axis of Evil that includes Iran, North Korea, and people who don’t stand for the national anthem. Unless they surrender, they will be met with fire and fury the likes of...

Assad Considers Banning AR-15
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Assad Considers Banning AR-15

Saying that he could only stomach so much violence, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly considering banning assault rifles like the AR-15. “After seeing students gunned down at school in Florida, I feel I must take action to prevent our own children from being harmed,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “I mean, yes, I do occasionally drop cluster bombs, barrel...

World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again
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World Ready to Pretend to Care About Syria Again

The world has collectively decided it is once again ready to pretend to care about the abysmal situation faced by the Syrian people. A reporter from CNN explained, “We actually used to do a really good job of pretending to care about Syrian refugees and dead children, but recently we’ve been slacking. It’s tough, you know? Remember the 90’s? Those...

NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings
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NRA Asks Yemen for Tips on Increasing Mass Shootings

With the US ranking second in the world in mass shootings per capita, the National Rifle Association has sent a delegation to Yemen to find out how to move into the top spot. “When it comes to gun ownership and violence, there is a lot that we can learn from Yemen,” said NRA chief executive Wayne LaPierre. “The United States...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys
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ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name...

ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities
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ISIS Asks Philly Fans for Advice on Destroying American Cities

After years of unsuccessful efforts to cause widespread devastation in the American homeland, ISIS leaders are turning towards fans of the Philadelphia Eagles for advice on how to destroy an American city. “When I turned on the TV and saw shattered glass, overturned cars and people rioting in the streets, I assumed one of our martyrs had carried out a...