War

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

Man Photographed Strapped with AK-47 Shocked to Be Called ‘Radical’ at Hamas Rally

AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into the air on the Internet. Speaking to The Mideast Beast al-Masri commented, “Yes, I am a member of Hamas but...

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Saying that he was “rather optimistic” given the current climate, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly hopeful that the escalating situation between nuclear-armed North Korea and the United States may obviate the need for peace negotiations with the Palestinians. “I’ve been procrastinating on serious negotiations for years, and frankly I am afraid that I’m running out of excuses,” Netanyahu told The Mideast Beast. “But if I can just somehow put off peace talks for another year or so, I...

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western public with misnomers like that. Personally, I’m a sucker for Operation Wrath of God. Now that was a classic.” Khaled...

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

ISIS Postpones Armageddon Until After Game of Thrones Finale

Saying it would be unfair to expect his warriors to sacrifice their lives for Islam before finding out if Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen actually get it on, ISIS spokesman Ahmed al-Lannister announced that the terror group will put off its apocalyptic battle with western infidels until after the popular HBO series “Game of Thrones” concludes. “While the forces of the faithful are eager to martyr themselves to defeat the unbelievers, they cannot enter the kingdom of Allah without first...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

Suicide Bomber Demands Life Back after Catching Herpes from ‘Virgin’ in Heaven

According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious: despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in painful sores, and going to the toilet is excruciating,” relayed Shapiro. According to Shapiro – who learnt Arabic from her...

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

Israeli Military Currently Training Saudis How to Play ‘Whack-a-Mole’ in Yemen

The Saudi-led coalition continues its fight against Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, and its not going great for either side. According to one Saudi commander, “Let’s face it, while the Houthis are really not top-notch fighters, it turns out we’re also not as good as we thought”. “We figured that since we blame the Zionists for everything anyhow, why not learn one of their tricks and if it backfires we’ll just blame them again. That beauty works every time.” The Saudi commander...

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab Leaders Confirm: The World Will End When We Say

Arab leaders meeting in Cairo yesterday confirmed their commitment that the world will end in their region and not over in that upstart North Korea. Saudi Foreign Minister Adel bin-Ahmed al-Jubeir commented, “We’ve been in the end of the world, clash of civilizations, religious smackdown business since Mohammed was in diapers. That punk ass, toilet-brush haircut, chubster Kim Jong-un can suck on a camel if he thinks he gets to jump the queue by threatening Alaska. Alaska? Yeah, you go...

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

ISIS Fighter Starting to Wonder If Maybe They’re Not the Good Guys

RAQQA, SYRIA — Feeling uncertain about the brutal torture, sex slavery, and ethnic cleansing, ISIS fighter Ahmed al-Mustafa has been wondering if maybe they’re not the good guys. “You know, I came here like everybody else to follow the path of Jihad and fight the infidels,” he remarked. “On Facebook, everything seemed totally great. Good friends, adventure, women, you name it! And everything we were doing was for the glory of God so I just assumed we were the good...

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

British Protests, Violence Mark 241 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies

As Americans celebrate the 241st anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed “Occupied...

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace

Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

Mexican Cartels Angry ISIS Getting All the Attention

MEXICO CITY — Last week, a spokesman for the notorious Mexican Sinaloa drug cartel reportedly complained to journalists that despite the high levels of violence in the region, ISIS is still getting the lion’s share of the world’s attention. A cartel spokesman was quoted saying, “We really try our hardest to be the most brutal gang in the world. We perform and/or offer dismemberments, beheadings, immolation, you name it, but I’m really not sure what more we can do at...

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

Poll: Only 40% of U.S. State Department Employees Confident Trump Knows Where Syria is

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a new internal survey conducted by the US State Department, less than half of all employees are confident that the current US President could point out Syria on a map. Earlier this week, President Trump threatened Syrian President Bashar al-Assad with grave repercussions if he were to use chemical weapons again. The survey was prompted by a discussion among state department officials, where no one could provide evidence that the current President of the United States...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus, most...

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Gaza: We Will Donate Our Water to Flint, Michigan, Since No One Else Seems to Give a Damn

Finally, someone is taking action to help the residents of Flint, Michigan. Flint, which is made up primarily of underprivileged minority groups, has experienced a lead-tainted drinking water crises which has poisoned thousands of its citizens. While many American government authorities are still not doing enough to confront the problem, concerned citizens of Gaza have decided that enough is enough, and have taken it upon themselves to donate their scant water resources to Flint residents. “This crisis is a disgrace,”...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount

With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

No One Can Remember What All the Fuss Was About

Only 36 months since the guns fell silent after the last Israel-Gaza war, the outside world is scratching its collective head to recall what it was so worked up about. The American ambassador to the United Nations was nonplussed, “I seem to recall there were some big bangs and a lot of running around. Do they celebrate the 4th of July over there?” Globally, journalists were scrolling back through the archives to remind themselves where the hell they were that summer....