War

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

ISIS Leader Suffers Gender Identity Crisis, Demands to be Called ‘Amy’

Fresh off a string of stunning battlefield failures, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.  Mr. and Mrs. al-Baghdadi are at a loss for how to deal with their increasingly distant and willful son, the new Caliph of the Islamic State. “It began when he turned 13, and we didn’t give him a bat mitzvah. But it’s because we aren’t Jewish, not that we don’t love him, but he insisted that...

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

ISIS Releases ‘Alternative Quran’

Buoyed by Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway’s recent revelation that false statements can be redefined as “alternative facts,” the terrorist group ISIS has released what it dubbed an “alternative Quran” to justify some of its less Islamic practices. “While we enjoyed calling ourselves the ‘Islamic’ State, and we really liked making gruesome videos of burning enemy pilots to death, it was getting a little bit tough trying to reconcile the two,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “Plus,...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to the latest World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on...

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Hamas Rocket Attack Fails, as Gazan Civilians Unharmed

Rockets fired from the Gaza Strip were deemed a failure by the militant group Hamas, as no Palestinian civilian injuries were reported. Hamas officials expressed disappointment that the missiles launched by the group, which landed in southern Israel, failed to strike any Palestinian schools or UN camps or draw an Israeli response that could be condemned by the international media. “We were sure at least one of the rockets would fall short of Israel and land in an apartment building, or...

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS’ Latest Terror Threat: “We Will Force Americans to Learn Geography!”

ISIS spokesman Senna ibn Booboo has announced new plans to force Americans to learn geography. “The terror of watching American citizens beheaded in Syria won’t get that much attention. But forcing Americans to find Syria on a map? Now that’s suffering!” Ibn Booboo pointed to Al Qaeda’s past successes; “The secret is to murder Americans in places about which average Americans don’t even know on which continent to start looking. Blow up the USS Cole and watch as the hapless...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys. “It was...

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian Secretly Ecstatic Settlers Burned Down Olive Grove Where He Wants New House

Palestinian olive farmer Mahmoud al-Tabrani was ecstatic Monday after a group of masked Jewish settlers burned down his olive grove. The grove was the exact site he had planned construction for his new home. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, he said being that he would have had to do all the work himself, and that “it’s like I’ve won the lottery.” He continued, “Cutting down all those trees would have taken me days if not weeks.” However, when being...

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

In Between Car Bombs, Iraqis Offer Support to Swedes Following Tragic Fake Attack

The Iraqi government released a statement earlier today, in solidarity with the Swedish people after they were targeted by President Trump with a false terrorist attack this past weekend. Swedish citizens were shocked to their very cores to find themselves under retroactive assault Friday night after the President referenced “what happened last night in Sweden” at his Florida rally. The Iraqi statement read in part, “We wish to extend our full support to our Swedish brothers and sisters at this difficult...

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Infowars.com Reports Iraqi Army Fighting to Liberate Stockholm

Alex Jones, the walking advertisement for why you really shouldn’t stay out in the sun too long, and the host of Infowars.com has reported that the elite Golden Division of the Iraqi Army is engaged in intense combat with ISIS forces in and around the Swedish capital. Heavy fighting is reported around the Ikea store in Jakobsberg, although Infowars.com correspondents may be confusing this with the normal Sunday afternoon rush to get reasonably priced homeware bargains. President Trump has directed...

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

Desperate for Money, ISIS Creating Postmodern Art from Destroyed Remains of Ancient World

ISIS leaders have been taking meetings in the contemporary art scene to raise money for future fighting in Mosul. Citing religious purposes, the group is known to destroy ancient art and ruins with sledgehammers, bombs and permanent markers to erase the rich cultural history of the region. But now, facing a stronger Iraqi/US front, the group has no choice but to change strategy. Led by Kata’ib Taswiyya, the group traditionally in charge of demolishing cultural targets, ISIS has started producing sculptural...

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

Shortage of Stones in West Bank Leaves Youth Asking: ‘What Will We Throw Next?’

A severe shortage of suitable ‘throwing stones’ in the West Bank has caused a panic in recent weeks. Citing natural erosion – and decades of stone-throwing by teenagers who should have been in school –Palestinian Authority officials have declared a state of emergency in various cities and towns throughout the West Bank, leaving the IDF and the international community asking: what will they throw next? Speaking to The Mideast Beast, 12-year-old Usman Abu Rahman said, “Without stones to throw, I’m more depressed than ever. Throwing stones at...

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

ISIS Apologizes to Trump for Inaccurate Terror List

Last week, the White House blamed the media for underreporting terrorist activity. While many of the attacks on the list were covered by the media, some, like the Bowling Green and Atlantis attacks came from a list reportedly provided by ISIS. Per a staffer who works close to the president, Trump was furious that his team continued to cite attacks that did not happen and demanded that they find the source of the continued misinformation. In a press briefing today, Sean...

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down the middle, stated: “Ideology should not divide us”. The European Union on Monday also condemned Russia’s air campaign in Syria,...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...