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The Color of Pink: Feminists and Lady Soldiers

The Color of Pink: Feminists and Lady Soldiers

Alex and Molly are back in this new TMB podcast. Is Linda Sarsour a real feminist and are you really OK with women in the army? Let us tell you what to think on this episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast. Click here to listen...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

ISIS Issues Open-Letter to La La Land After Oscars Mishap

The confusion at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony, where Moonlight was crowned the Best Picture after La La Land had already been announced, has drawn a heartfelt message from frequent battlefield losers, ISIS. In an open-letter they share their astonishment at the grace displayed by La La Land producers who had to give up their Oscar gold: “We are very impressed by the way they lost. We lose all the time, like right now in Mosul. It’s not going well,...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by FIFA, soccer’s governing body, awarded Qatar the right to host the World Cup in 2010, initially causing controversy on allegations...

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

ISIS Splinters Over Bikini Waxing

Previously united in their desire to forge a new Caliphate establishing their vision of ‘pure Islam’, ISIS has descended into acrimony over the contentious issue of ‘hair management’ in women’s nether regions. “The war with the infidel must be fought on every front,” declared Abu Bakr al Baghdadi, “even the awrah (Arabic for ‘hooha’) of the righteous. Do not succumb to these abominable Zionist practices.” ISIS soldiers, long known for their porn consumption, responded with disbelief. “Even a trim is...

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As we Middle Eastern leaders know, journalists are liars, constitutions are for pussies, protestors must be crushed like mosquitoes, and women,...

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

Russian Foreign Minister Realizes John Kerry Has Been Serious This Whole Time

MOSCOW — Earlier this week Secretary of State John Kerry called on all sides involved in the war to take steps toward finding a political solution to the mass murder in Syria; that’s when it dawned on Russian Foreign minister Sergey Lavrov: John Kerry has been totally fucking serious this entire time. In an interview Lavrov told The Mideast Beast: “I mean, come on, how many times can you call for a ceasefire? After the whole chemical weapons red line...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would really hurt our feelings.” “Call us what you may, but we don’t rape Jewish women, and Jews don’t rape ours...

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS Recruiting Website Crashes Following Trump’s Win

ISIS’s IT team has been working non-stop to get their recruiting pages back on the net, after a massive uptick of new recruits caused them to crash early Friday. Data shows that the increase in recruitment did not happen the day after the election, but rather closer to the weekend. Experts link the delay with recruits’ initial assumption that the candidate who received the most votes won. This changed when Trump supporter’s explanation of the electoral system began to infiltrate...

Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”

Eyeing Pennsylvania’s Syrian Voters, Clinton Recalls “Fleeing Chicago Sniper Fire as Child Refugee”

ALLENTOWN, PA – At a rally in America’s ‘Little Syria,’ Hillary Clinton once again reaffirmed her reputation for saying or doing absolutely anything to get elected. “I’ll never forget that harrowing day when we fled violence-plagued Chicago for the safety of the suburbs,” a teary-eyed Democratic U.S. Presidential frontrunner told the crowd ahead of the Keystone State’s Tuesday primary. “And the moment Daddy yelled at me to duck as a hail of bullets struck our automobile, ripping the head off my...

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

Netanyahu Tasks Ben Carson with Protecting Jerusalem

After Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson’s bold declaration that he would have attacked the gunman in the Oregon school shooting, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced Carson has been brought to Jerusalem and tasked with protecting the city in the wake of a series of terror attacks. “It takes great courage to speak about acting heroically in the face of danger,” Netanyahu said Thursday. “Residents of Jerusalem will be comforted to know that, should another Palestinian try to attack our citizens...

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Madonna to Adopt One Israeli, One Palestinian Child

Just a few weeks after reports surfaced that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are in the process of adopting a boy from war-torn Syria, Queen of Pop Madonna – already mother to two adopted children from Africa – is reportedly looking to adopt two more, this time from the volatile holy land. According to reports on various celebrity news sites, Madonna – aside from her desire to “shower them with love, multiculturalism and unbridled materialism” – is to time the...

U.S. Releases Israel’s Worst Spy, Ever

U.S. Releases Israel’s Worst Spy, Ever

In most professions, the better someone is at what they do, the more well known they become.  In fact, this is the goal for many careers, such as acting, playing basketball, or even writing for a website focused on satirizing one oddly specific and batshit crazy part of the globe.  However, one career path where the absolute opposite is true is espionage.  As movies have told us for years, one of the main goals of spies is to remain anonymous,...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to flee once it became apparent that the jets were dropping flyers containing interesting trivia. Flyers taught readers that Mozart first...

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...

New academic study finds being anti-Islamic not as economically damaging to one’s wealth as being anti-Semitic

New academic study finds being anti-Islamic not as economically damaging to one’s wealth as being anti-Semitic

“We have found that different types of bigotry have different levels of impact when it comes to how wealthy you are,” University of Plovdiv Professor Goyam Tsvete stated in the abstract of this latest study. The Bulgarian academic team rushed out their findings in the wake of a recent study that showed a positive correlation in Germany between areas where persecution of Jews was most intense and distrust of the stock market. The German study showed that people were 7.5%...

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

After the UN’s World Health Organization declared Israel the world’s top violator of health rights, world leaders from throughout Africa, Central Asia and the Middle East congratulated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu on his country’s impressive feat. The designation has earned Netanyahu the admiration of dictators throughout the world, as the Israeli premier has suddenly become one of the most popular guests at world functions. “For years we would never let Bibi sit at the ‘cool dictators’ table, because...

Iran Claims Nuclear Program For “Civilian Purposes,” Causing Civilians Worldwide to Panic

Iran Claims Nuclear Program For “Civilian Purposes,” Causing Civilians Worldwide to Panic

For years, the Iranian regime has been accused of developing a nuclear program for aggressive purposes. There appears to be ample evidence that this endeavor is taking place, and the intelligence agencies of various countries seem to agree on this fact.  However, for as long as these claims have been made, Iran has countered by saying that any nuclear activities are centered on utilization for “civilian purposes.” This claim has always remained as vague as Tupac’s death, and no explanation...

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans

At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians during WWI, through mass deportation, starvation, and outright murder. An angry Erdogan responded, “You are ignorant to make such a...