Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,”...
In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon...
The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally...
In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one...
ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu...
A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and...
The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime...
ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to...
With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of...
Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and...
VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit...
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new...
President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama. “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete...
The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided...
In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news...
While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers....
A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race. Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots. But today, a new group added their two cents. The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money,...
A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new...
American supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump living in Israel have declared that they are tired of having to “press 4 for English” when calling government offices because their new country is overrun by non-Americans. “I’m sick and tired of seeing all these foreigners everywhere speaking all their foreign languages. I mean Christ, this is America, speak English,” said...
At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It...
