Technology

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have.  But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along.  Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’  Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama.  “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete the review as too many followers have made comments. Let me warn ISIS that this type of vitriol will not...

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Are You up for the ‘Iron Dome’ Challenge?

Following the success of the Ice Bucket Challenge in aid of ALS, Hamas and the IDF have been moved to create their very own charity fundraising scheme. Saul Starstein, Director of Giving for the IDF explained more. “We all accept that our media profile is really not that great. Now’s not the time to get into the blame game of ‘who fired first’…though they totally did. But now we’ve reached across borders to join hands with our recent enemies and bring...

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided hope to American immigrants: “We opened our doors to refugees and outcasts from around the world. Muslim Brotherhood members fleeing...

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news conference. “It pains me to say it, but this move makes me question Iran’s intentions regarding its nuclear program.” Iran’s...

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

Pentagon Admits to Using Floppy Disks for Nuke Codes; Armageddon now a Guarantee

While many Americans have been hypnotized by the interminable coverage of Hillary Clinton’s email security snafus, other damaging details have recently come to light regarding the US government’s notorious vibe of technological illiteracy. According to a new report, the Pentagon is still relying upon computing systems from the 1970’s that require floppy disks to coordinate intercontinental ballistic missiles and nuclear bombers. Department of Defense representative Ayma Luddite admitted to The Mideast Beast via a series of telegraphs: “We just never made...

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

Security Concerned They Won’t Be Able to Tell if Iran Replaces Clinton With Robot Lookalike

A lot of energy has been spent disparaging Hillary Clinton throughout this Presidential rat race.  Trump supporters, Bernie Bros – they’ve all taken their shots.  But today, a new group added their two cents.  The Secret Service has expressed concern that Clinton, who is known for having all the integrity of a deposed Nigerian prince e-mailing you to ask for money, could easily be replaced by a robotic lookalike without them noticing any difference. RELATED: Sanders Voters Torn Between Voting for Hillary...

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

FBI Pestering Israel for Constant Tech Support After San Bernadino iPhone Hack

News sources are reporting this week that an Israeli tech company assisted the FBI in hacking San Bernadino terrorist Syed Rizwan Farook’s iPhone, leading many to wonder what other problems Israel can solve for hapless American government agencies. An FBI representative spoke to a Mideast Beast correspondent earlier today on condition of anonymity, excitedly stating that Israel’s assistance was a “game changer,” and not only on the issue of digital forensics: “Nobody who works at the FBI can walk into...

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

Apple Dispute Finally Resolved, As San Bernardino Terrorist’s Password Turns Out to be ‘1, 2, 3, 4’

A legal showdown between the U.S. government and Apple over the FBI’s demand that the company unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorist has been solved after FBI investigators discovered the shooter’s password was “1, 2, 3, 4.” The government had demanded that Apple provide investigators with access to data in the shooter’s phone that they believe may reveal new information regarding the terror attack, which left 12 people dead last December. Apple, however, insisted unlocking the phone would establish...

Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English

Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English

American supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump living in Israel have declared that they are tired of having to “press 4 for English” when calling government offices because their new country is overrun by non-Americans. “I’m sick and tired of seeing all these foreigners everywhere speaking all their foreign languages. I mean Christ, this is America, speak English,” said one former Brooklyn resident who recently moved to Tel Aviv. “I mean, I know it’s not literally America. But still,...

Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”

Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”

At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It really only has four set topics it can talk about,” Charles Koch explained. “It has ‘Islamic terror’ mode, ‘War on...

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”

Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast, “We didn’t know that our newest super computer could turn itself off, so on the one hand, that’s kinda cool. But the...

GPS Phone App with Crap Sense of Humor Sends Israeli Soldiers into Palestinian Town

GPS Phone App with Crap Sense of Humor Sends Israeli Soldiers into Palestinian Town

After clashes caused by soldiers following their Waze navigation app into a Palestinian refugee camp, Israel Defense Forces (IDF) leadership have banned the use of all smartphone apps. Head of “Ways for the Guys and Girls to Kill Time Whilst on Tedious Operations”, IDF General Fluffberg told The Mideast Beast; “This latest cock-up is really the final straw for us. It’s a truism that war is nine parts to tedium to one part sheer terror, but from now on everyone is just...

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask the CIA for advice.” Following the FBI’s failed attempt, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump demanded that the government destroy family...

Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads

Netanyahu Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting on Playboy’s Recent Decision to Drop Nude Spreads

With the country gripped with panic after months of terrorist attacks and some calling this the start of a third Intifada, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu convened an emergency cabinet meeting Tuesday evening to address Playboy magazine’s announcement that it would no longer run images of naked women in its print edition. “Everyone in this country is in a panic over recent events, but I can assure you that, somehow, we will get through this,” Netanyahu told his ministers. “We will...

Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”

Rubio Offers to Support Israel with “Fleet of Mindless Drones”

Following recent negotiations on a military aid package, presidential candidate Marco Rubio pledged to maintain Israel’s technological superiority by proposing a plan to supply the country with a fleet of drones. “If elected President, I would ensure Israel maintains its technological advantages and has access to plenty of drones,” Mr. Rubio stated in a scripted press conference.  “I know, deeply, how valuable robots can be for a country.  The best way to attain any goal is to mindlessly practice and...

Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds

Facebook to Increase ‘Related Pages’ in Newsfeeds

A new and totally expected move by Facebook is unlikely to shock or excite anyone. The social media giant is set to increase the amount of ‘related pages’ on users’ newsfeeds. Starting next week, and in large part thanks to Zionist control over the Internet, banks, and the media, your newsfeed will now contain even more unwanted ‘related pages’. The new program is called ‘1+1 likes’. According to one tech developer at Facebook, “the new algorithm knows when you have...

Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter

Nuclear Deal That Took Years To Negotiate Dismissed In Minutes By Armchair Politicians On Twitter

“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed the highly complex treaty rather handily. In fact, the 159-page document has been totally dismantled, 140 characters at a time....

Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project

Israel Air Force’s F-35 Pet Project

In a surprise, yet totally expected announcement, General Amir “Impact Crater” Feldman, Head of the Israel Air Force (IAF), confirmed that the new F-35, which “can’t turn, can’t climb, can’t run,” would be a literal pet project for the IAF. “The days of flying, dropping bombs and shooting down the enemy are over,” he said in an off-the-record briefing to The Mideast Beast. “The F-35 is frankly too expensive to operate, so most will be kept on the ground and...

Drone Acted Alone Say Friends

Drone Acted Alone Say Friends

Friends of the Israeli drone that was allegedly shot down over Iran last August have claimed that he acted alone, out of a mixture of boredom and bravado. An IDF Heron 450 Unmanned Aerial vehicle said, “Yeah, Yoni always was a bit rogue. During basic training he often faked a ‘lost link’ situation just so he could go off and buzz the house of this chick he was dating in Jaffa. He was all like ‘hey babe, look at my high tech...