Technology

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.”  And while many have applauded the...

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media

Deal Reached: Next War Will Be Fought Exclusively in Social Media

As indirect negotiations between Israel and Hamas continue, we have received confirmed reports that the two sides have come to one agreement: The next war will be fought exclusively over social media channels. “This is the direction we see modern warfare moving,” explained a senior IDF official. “Over the past several years, our tactics have shifted to include more blogging in our strategic arsenal, and Hamas now has what everyone accepts is a brilliant Instagram account #nofilter, #thatsnotarocketintheplayground. This next...

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict

In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Stein-Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are the perfect outlet for sharing videos of people falling down holes and anything to do with kittens, we are far...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation and exchange ideas,” he commented. “Due to Facebook’s high level of dialogue, thoughtful user community, and of course mutual respect...

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

U.S. and Israel Totally Fuck Over ISIS With Apple Watch Gift

This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought. Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.” Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish people safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon Adelson-owned Israeli newspaper, Israel Hayom, that “Obama tagged every world leader except me – including genocidal Islamo-fascists like Iranian President Hassan...

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

ISIS Sleeper Cell Claims Responsibility for Removal of iPhone 7 Headphone Jack

The world is in shock following Apple’s launch of the iPhone 7 without a traditional headphone jack. While Apple attempted to placate the masses by offering Bluetooth ‘airpods’ to replace the old stalwart wired earbuds, many dark-web theorists believe that this signified the beginning of the downfall of Western civilization. These dire projections were validated when ISIS issued a statement formally claiming responsibility for this heinous design choice; “Mohammed Al-Jeniusbar, a soldier of the Caliphate, with help from Allah, carried out...

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

Recalled Samsung Galaxy Note7 Replacing Barrel Bombs Over Syria

In a further blow to Samsung’s PR machine, recalled Galaxy Note7 smart phones are now the weapon of choice for Syrian government forces. Military press officer Mahmoud Goldstein commented, “To be honest we had been running out of things to drop from our helicopters, so Samsung has been a real life saver. Well obviously not if you’re standing under one of our gunships, but I think you know what I mean.” Syrian rebel fighter John al-Smith confirmed the very real...

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS to Implement 30-Hour Work Week

ISIS has followed Amazon’s lead and launched a pilot program in which a few dozen fighters will engage in only 30 hours of Jihad-making each week. In return, they will receive 75% of their normal quota of sex slaves and retain full health care benefits. “The Islamic State is dedicated to improving its future martyrs’ work-life balance.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi commented. “Pushing our warriors too hard is leading to some bad habits. For example, there’s a real epidemic...

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

Teenager Who Hacked into Iranian Government Website Rewarded with 72 Virgins

A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and pajama party with the President and Supreme Leader, I ordered a Veggie Lover’s Pizza online. What did we get instead?...

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

Turkey Shuts Down Social Media after Spat with Iran over Israel

The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu together in a Turkish bathhouse in Istanbul. Erdogan and Netanyahu have been spending a lot of time...

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

It’s Official: ISIS Executes Mr. Mime Pokémon

ISIS member, Mohammed Abdulrahman had been playing Pokémon GO when he stumbled upon a Mr. Mime in the ISIS occupied territory of Mosul. “I was hoping to catch a Pikachu. I was pretty disappointed to find it was this annoying Pokémon.” After watching it flail his hands and yell ‘Mr. Mime’ over and over, Mohammed reported the psychic Pokémon to authorities where it was immediately placed under arrest and beheaded. RELATED: “PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa The...

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of the Council of Religious Scholars and Misogynists, Abdulaziz Al-Asheikh. “Pokémon are symbols of the global Zionist conspiracy. This ‘game’ is...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

Weapons Inspectors Demand Access to Iranian Military Sites to Collect Pokémon

VIENNA — Last year’s nuclear deal between Iran and the West may now be in jeopardy, as weapons inspectors are demanding access to sensitive military sites at which Pokémon has been discovered. “While Iran had been in compliance with the terms of the agreement up to this point, Iranian officials have now refused to allow our inspectors to enter off-limit sites- even in cases where the inspectors see a rare and much-needed Pokémon character within reach,” Yukiya Amano, chief of...

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

As Pokémon GO Wreaks Havoc Across U.S., CIA Confirms Iran is Behind the Game

QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have.  But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along.  Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new mobile game, ‘Pokémon Go.’  Americans have begun to wander, without any discernable concern for their wellbeing, around their cities and...

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

ISIS Posts Damaging One-Star Review of USA on Yelp

President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama.  “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete the review as too many followers have made comments. Let me warn ISIS that this type of vitriol will not...

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

Al Jazeera America Relocates to Israel, New Staff is All Female

The popular Qatari-backed news network has responded aggressively to a multimillion-dollar anti-female, anti-Semitic and anti-American bias lawsuit by moving its headquarters from New York City to Jerusalem and firing its male staffers. “We love women, we love Jews and we love America: just not in Arabic,” network CEO Sheldon Asfour said today. Asfour then outlined how his network has provided hope to American immigrants: “We opened our doors to refugees and outcasts from around the world. Muslim Brotherhood members fleeing...

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

Iran Begins Importing Floppy Disks, Raising Concerns over Nuclear Breakout

In a move that has alarmed U.S. officials and raised concerns over a potential nuclear breakout, the Islamic Republic Iran has begun importing large quantities of 1970s-era floppy disks. “There is only one possible use for these items, and that is to store information essential to controlling a nuclear arsenal,” U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry said in a news conference. “It pains me to say it, but this move makes me question Iran’s intentions regarding its nuclear program.” Iran’s...