Technology

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

U.S. Targets Terror Groups’ Major Weakness: They Hate Layovers

Terrorists worldwide are scrambling to deal with the most recent US security restriction of banning personal electronic devices on planes flying directly to the US from several Muslim majority countries. One ISIS operations planner sounded exasperated when he told The Mideast Beast: “We’ve already booked the flight. Do you know how expensive it is to change your tickets? Let’s just say we’re going to have to sell another priceless ancient artifact.” The new plan from the White House, which went into...

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Trump Accuses Netanyahu of Spying on his Twitter Account

Just days after accusing the British government of tapping his phone on behalf of the Obama administration, President Trump now says Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been reading the President’s tweet’s without his permission. “The things I post to Twitter are some of my most personal thoughts, and the idea that other people may be spying on me by reading them is really very disturbing,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I don’t know if Bibi [Netanyahu] is doing it...

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

ISIS Bans ‘Battlefield Selfies’

In a move to enhance the battlefield effectiveness of its fighters, top ‘Islamic State’ commanders have had to impose a ban on ‘Battle Selfies’, which have become ever more prevalent as the terrorist group takes on increased numbers of western recruits. One ISIS commander told The Mideast Beast (TMB), “we’ve had a real problem with this in recent weeks as we’ve looked to consolidate our position in the face of stiffened resistance from the US and its local lackeys. “It was...

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

Scientologists Blast Netanyahu Over Alleged Planned Illegal Settlement on Comet

As the world applauded the historic engineering achievement which landed a space probe on a Comet 67P, some observers were less pleased. The Scientologist community was up in arms this past week over an alleged Israeli plan to ‘create an illegal settlement’ on Comet 67P, noting that several of the scientists involved in the Rosetta mission are Israeli and are probably members of The Mossad. “This is an obvious land grab,” one Scientologist member explained. “The cosmos belong to Scientologists,...

Google’s ‘Driverless Car’ Launches in Saudi Arabia

Google’s ‘Driverless Car’ Launches in Saudi Arabia

Google announced this week that it had chosen Saudi Arabia as the ‘perfect’ launch country for Google Car, also known as ‘Waymo’, the latest product from the high tech firm. At a pre-launch event, Head of Markets, Mike E Moist, stated, “Saudi Arabia is the perfect market for Google’s driverless car. We know that Saudis love mobile technology and there are a high number of non drivers in the country that could easily be converted to buying a Google Car.”...

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair

The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable.  A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

ISIS Flees After Millions of Americans ‘Check In’ to Mosul on Facebook

A campaign by the Iraqi government to use Facebook to defeat ISIS has proven successful, as millions of social media “Check Ins” to the Iraqi city of Mosul has forced the terrorist group to flee. The breakthrough came after the Iraqi military urged Americans to post on Facebook claiming to be in Mosul in order to frighten and confuse ISIS fighters, echoing techniques used by the protestors from the Standing Rock Sioux tribe in North Dakota. The terrorist group had...

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

Obama Accidentally Writes Final Tweet as POTUS in Arabic

President Obama’s outgoing communications team refused to comment officially yesterday after the President sent out a final tweet to the American people in Arabic, ‘by accident’. “I fucking knew we shouldn’t have let him loose on social media”, one aide stated off the record, “he’s never forgiven us for taking away his Blackberry.” One pundit from the Democratic Party commented, “Look, don’t tell me that none of you have ever been confused with the ‘set language’ options. It happens, and...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted a nice video of our guys marching along with some really cool music playing and the comments section just lit...

In Response to UN Settlements Resolution, Zionist Moon Base Plans Revealed

In Response to UN Settlements Resolution, Zionist Moon Base Plans Revealed

In response to the recent United Nations Security Council resolution regarding Israeli settlements, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced Israel will be launching a space expedition from its Palmachim Airbase to find suitable land to build new settlements on. Naturally, the Obama administration condemned the decision without really knowing why but mainly because of a nagging doubt that if Netanyahu wants to do it, it’s probably wrong: “Jewish…I mean Israeli settlements, have no right to be there,” President Obama commented. Across the pond...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with a Palestinian was his friend at Columbia University who wore a keffiyeh “in solidarity” responded saying that his attitude was...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress, the New York Times ran the headline “Truck Rams into Soldiers in Jerusalem” and the BBC described it as a...

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Terrified by Trump’s Twitter Account, the Middle East Prepares for War

Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that most countries had never even heard of Twitter, and would be defenseless against a late-night attack by Trump. He also...

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

UN Security Council Deems ‘The Mideast Beast’ a Terror Organization

New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision could result in UN sanctions. According to one United Nations insider that wished to remain anonymous, “We believe it to...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

Israel Bio-Tech Startup Unveils Anti-Horn Cream for Jews

An Israeli Bio-Tech startup announced today that is preparing an anti-horn cream specifically for Jews, which will hit the market just before Hanukkah. The cream will revolutionize the way Jews deal with controlling their horns. For centuries, Jews have been filing them down nightly, a task that could add twenty minutes to one’s bedtime routine. However, the new cream works to prevent horn growth, and is applied briefly after showering. In one preliminary study, it was found that after the...

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg Joins ISIS

Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to the November 8 presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he has moved to Syria and joined ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news in completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent Islamic Caliphate. Allahu Akbar.” Since President-Elect...

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

After Melania Comes Out Against Cyber-Bullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism

Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that she would launch a tour of Middle Eastern countries in...

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

ISIS Expresses Disappointment over Twitter’s Decision to Shut Down Vine

Twitter’s decision to shutter Vine, the six-second video sharing service, has been met with disappointment worldwide, and the reaction from ISIS leadership has been no different. “We are shocked by the sudden removal of the social media platform which brought us such unforgettable generational talents as King Bach, Britney Furlan, and Lele Pons,” stated senior ISIS leader Abu Muhammad al-Shimali. “As part of our new strategy, we were planning to release a series of videos which would include hilarious topics...

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Following Anthony Weiner Scandal, Iranian Liberals Okay with Government Banning Twitter

Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,” one Iranian reformist told The Mideast Beast, referring to former congressman Anthony Weiner. “While we’d love to have Twitter as...