Sports

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Palestine Soccer Team to Play Israel…For a State

Israel has confirmed Palestine can have its own country if it beats the Jewish State at a game of soccer. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, an Israeli spokesman said they were confident in the challenge as “apparently we shoot all the good Palestinian footballers anyway.” BDS activists said that they would boycott the event if Israel were to use human walls to protect its goal should Palestine receive any direct free kicks. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian Hague Bid...

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

ISIS Petitions International Olympic Committee to Add Beheading to 2016 Events

Rumors abound that the International Olympic Committee will soon be welcoming a new member, The Islamic State (ISIS). The terrorist group made clear that they hadn’t been sure the IOC would even let them participate in the upcoming games, but after a “bit of persuasion” they were added to the roster of participating states. Leaders of the internationally admonished group have announced that they will seek to add a new event to the 2016 Games: beheading. “We’ve been practicing real...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that attended the world cup in Brazil we have recognised that the oldest profession in the world is integral to the...