Sports

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Kaepernick Signs with Qatari National Football Team

Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing to sign him. But in Qatar, the embattled former Super Bowl quarterback was welcomed with open arms. “We believe this...

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

Iranian Revolutionary Guard to Recruit Justin Gatlin as New Weapon

American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his gold medal and the ‘American decadence’ it stood for, he said the Khamenei gave him “an offer he couldn’t refuse”....

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

ISIS Replaces Limb-Severing with Football as Infidel Punishment

Football games will replace limb-severing as the Islamic State’s preferential form of capital punishment for infidels, according to a decree recently issued by the-still-alive ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.  The new practice was agreed upon following the publication of a new study which indicates 99% of professional NFL players sustain permanent degenerative brain injuries as a result of repeated blows to the head. “Like the American health care system, laissez-faire capitalism and McDonald’s, football is a method of infidel self-destruction...

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10 million payout by the Canadian government. “It is only fair that people arrested and imprisoned for their crimes are rewarded...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Atlanta Braves told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

Saudi Woman Really Excited Not to be Allowed to Compete in Her New Athletic Hijab

With Nike’s release of a new “Pro-Hijab” geared towards athletic Muslim women, a whole new group of female Muslim Athletes are really excited at the prospect of not being allowed to compete in international domestic and international competitions. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one female athlete in Saudi Arabia said she loves to run, but found it very difficult to find a male relative willing to escort her outdoors. Of Nike’s new innovation she whispered: “Now with the Nike Pro-Hijab,...

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

ISIS Thrilled Over Patriots Super Bowl Victory

Calling the suffering inflicted on the vast majority of Americans “a really nice surprise,” ISIS leaders were reportedly celebrating into the morning hours Monday after the hated New England Patriots’ stunning come-from-behind win in Super Bowl LI. “Seeing the American infidels this angry without having to plan and execute an attack is just a really great way to start the workweek,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said after a James White touchdown run sealed the game for New England in...

ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win

ISIS Angered as Re-Establishment of Caliphate Overshadowed by Cubs World Series Win

Saying that it “must be a Zionist conspiracy,” ISIS leaders are reportedly furious that the Chicago Cubs’ first World Series Championship since 1908 has made the terrorist group’s re-establishment of the caliphate after a 90-year wait seem unimpressive in comparison. “Now all we ever hear about is how the Cubs broke their curse, and how their fans have suffered for soooo long,” complained one ISIS leader. “Our fans suffered for pretty long too. Not 108 years or anything, but still,...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

RAQQA — The Islamic State was dealt a setback last week, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative...

Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics

Damascus Picked to Host 2020 Olympics

Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much, much easier.” Bach noted that Turkey and the United States had recently moved personnel into the country, joining Iran, Russia,...

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

Qatar Buys San Francisco 49ers

The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized violence punctuated by trash talking that generate big television ratings. So, why not use our expertise in financing a worldwide...

Kaepernick Vows Not to Leave His Bed Until ‘There’s Peace in the Middle East’

Kaepernick Vows Not to Leave His Bed Until ‘There’s Peace in the Middle East’

SAN FRANCISCO — Saying he had just learned of the ongoing war in Syria as well as other tragedies across the Middle East, 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has vowed not to leave his bed until there’s “change” in the region and an end to all violence and suffering. “First, when I heard about all the violence and racism in America and stuff, I was like, wow America sucks, I’m not standing for the national anthem,” Kaepernick told The Mideast Beast. “But...

Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated

Erdogan Admits He Made Up Coup Story After Vandalizing Gas Station While Intoxicated

Saying he was “110 percent sorry,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Thursday that he had fabricated his story about an alleged coup against his government after he drunkenly vandalized a gas station. After a July 15 incident, Erdogan claimed that he and his government had been the victim of an attempted coup d’état, with the president narrowly avoiding an attempt by the perpetrators to harm or imprison him. The story soon unraveled, however, as it became apparent that the...

Lebanon Adopts Lesbian Hummus Wrestling as National Sport; Israel Vows Retaliation

Lebanon Adopts Lesbian Hummus Wrestling as National Sport; Israel Vows Retaliation

BEIRUT – The Middle East’s simmering ‘Hummus Wars’ dramatically escalated today after Lebanon’s Minister of Sport provocatively declared Lesbian Hummus Wrestling his country’s official national sport. “With this landmark decision, we’ll once and for all prove that Lebanese – not Israeli – mashed chickpeas and bikini-clad chicks are the tastiest in the region,” said Abdul Muttalib Hinnawi at Beirut’s National Hummusdome (formerly the Roman Hippodrome). “And contrary to the lies of the colonialist Zionist propaganda machine, the Jews were still eating slimy Gefilte fish –...

Lebanon, Saudi Arabia Favorites to Medal in Freestyle Anti-Israel Olympics

Lebanon, Saudi Arabia Favorites to Medal in Freestyle Anti-Israel Olympics

Athletes from Lebanon and Saudi Arabia are expected to take the gold and silver, respectively, in the freestyle anti-Israel shadow competition taking place in Rio. The goal of this game-within-a-game is, in layman’s terms, to be the most unsportsmanlike little bitches possible to the Israeli athletes before the International Olympic Committee half-heartedly does something about it. On Sunday, Saudi Arabian Joud Fahmy forfeited her first-round Judo match to avoid facing Israeli Gili Cohen, after which Fahmy was overheard exclaiming that she...

Israeli Wrestler Takes Olympic Gold Without Winning Single Match After All Muslim Opponents Forfeit

Israeli Wrestler Takes Olympic Gold Without Winning Single Match After All Muslim Opponents Forfeit

RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying.  So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and Syrian competitors have quit rather than face off against Israeli counterparts.  But, as they say, every cloud has a silver...

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL –  While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the election right after the Olympics.”  Given that to the outside world, this statement seemed as crazy as anything else Trump...

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump Accuses Refugee Olympic Team of Stealing his Spotlight

Donald Trump condemned the Olympic Refugee Team today as “low-energy cheaters who are in cahoots with lyin’ crooked Hillary Clinton to knock me off the front page.” Following refugee swimmer Yusra Mardini’s 41st place finish in the 100m butterfly preliminary rounds on Saturday, Trump posted on Facebook: “How can someone who came in dead last get so much coverage? New poll just released: I’m surging among tattooed, out-of-work, heat packing Rottweiler owners who have at least two prior drug convictions....

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

Lebanese and Israeli Game of Hide-and-Seek Misinterpreted at Olympics

The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the Lebanese delegation, Al-Haj Nakoula, stated the whole incident was a simple misunderstanding. “We saw the Israeli team approaching and assumed...